by Dan Ryan
We here at HOWrestling.com were sent the following video package late last night. After some time to confirm the report we are happy to report that all the information you are about to hear is in fact true and we look forward to what comes out of this.
Without any further delays…..please see below:
Cheasy M: Cheasy here with a breaking news report! Yes, that’s right…BREAKING NEWS REPORT. News that is breaking in the form of a report! Oh boy! We’re outside the OCW Arena which hasn’t been used for an event in, like, ever. The vagrants have set up tents and infiltrated the premises…making themselves at home. We haven’t seen this many bums since Alice Knight first…
~A voice yells, “CHEASY!”~
Cheasy M: Sorry, that’s not why we’re here. Anyway, we’ve got a podium set up outside in this ridiculously hot weather because management likes torturing its employees and…yes…there he is! There he is!
~An economy-sized car pulls up. It’s being driven by, you guessed it, THE UBER MAN. Marcus Welsh steps out from the back, dressed in clothing off THE RACK. This man isn’t making what he used to. He heads for the podium…but Uber rolls down the driver’s window and calls out~
Uber Man: Marcus…
~Welsh turns around. Uber is holding up five fingers. Welsh groans and gives Uber his five star review. “Thankyouverymuch,” Uber returns, before driving away. Welsh doesn’t check to see if he got five stars back. He reaches the podium~
Marcus Welsh: I want to thank you all for gathering here. Cheasy. Other, nameless reporters. And, yes, the homeless congregation in the back huffing paint and shooting up. We at OCW enjoy the attention of any and everyone.
~Marcus pulls out some papers and clears his throat~
Marcus Welsh: So, why are we here? Well, because I have some exciting news to share that will extend the brand and extend OCW’s reach across the professional landscape. What news is that, you ask? Well, I’m about to tell you. OCW is excited to announce…
~The wind picks up~
Marcus Welsh: What the hell?
~Violent winds gust through, sending Welsh’s prepared statement flying into the hands of some homeless people who will use it to smoke funky shit. Welsh’s shirt starts to come apart…the hell did he buy these threads? The Salvation Army? He covers up, nearly shirtless. Everybody looks up as a helicopter descends from the heavens. It’s black, shiny, and has the LIONHEART symbol on the side. Once it’s a safe distance from the ground, OCW’s Majority Owner, Thaddeus Duke hops out. The suit he’s wearing costs more than Welsh’s entire wardrobe. He marches toward the stage and steps to the podium. If Michael Bay were writing this we’d totally have a slow-motion cut with the sun setting and/or rising in the background. Duke reaches the podium and nonchalantly forces Welsh and his torn-apart shirt out of the way~
Cheasy M: Thaddeus Duke is here, folks! This must really be an important announcement!
~Welsh is like, “Hey!” Duke knocks on top of the podium. It silences the commotion and gets the chopper to slow down, providing a light, yet refreshing breeze~
Thaddeus Duke: When I took over OCW, I knew there’d be an initial financial strain. Hell, look no further than the contract Welsh gave Bob Grenier.
~Thad glares at Welsh. Returning his attention to the reporters, Thad steps away from the podium and speaks into a headset as he slowly paces the stage.~
Thaddeus Duke: But, I also knew there was great value in the brand. A brand that needed to be rebuilt before it could resume turning a sizable profit. Well, look around…
~The reporters look around at the empty parking lot and the homeless people living around the OCW Arena~
Thaddeus Duke: Not literally.
~D’oh. The reporters look back at Thad who continues to pace the stage while he gazes out among the reporters.~
Thaddeus Duke: The roster is bigger and stronger than ever. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say this is the most competitive roster in OCW history. And people have taken notice. You combine the unrivaled creativity that exists in OCW with the current menagerie of talent and, well, you’ve got arguably the most equitable brand in pro wrestling.
~Nobody can argue that~
Thaddeus Duke: So, it’s time to start cashing in. And it begins with an announcement that’s going to not only line the pockets of OCW management, but financially benefit every single woman and man on the roster as well.
OCW has agreed to air its content on the Phoenix Wrestling Alliance.
~Wow! Reporters buzz with excitement~
Thaddeus Duke: PWA, in short. An alliance that airs the absolute best in professional wrestling. High Octane Wrestling, PRIME, The SHOOT Project, Sanctioned Violence Organization, and, of course, the crazies over at Missouri Valley Wrestling. And now we are proud to announce that OCW has joined the Alliance.
~Crazy people in Missouri? Who’d have figured?~
Thaddeus Duke: In the ever-evolving age of entertainment you are forced to adapt or get left behind. PWA is where the future is and it ensures that when you tune into the program you are going to get the absolute best this industry has to offer.
~Thad smiles, proud of the progress he’s made in OCW over such a short period of time~
Thaddeus Duke: OCW, say goodbye to the wild west and say hello to the future. This is the pinnacle of the industry. We are elite.
~Duke steps back. The reporters in attendance cheer. Welsh tries to get a word in but the mic is cut off. Duke steps away and answers some other questions while signing a few autographs by shitty journalists who don’t know how to be professional. We cut to Cheasy for a closing statement~
Cheasy M: OCW has signed to air its product and content on PWA! The Phoenix Wrestling Alliance! HUGE news, folks! More details in the coming days, I’m told! Alright, back to whatever is airing on the OCW 247 network…fingers crossed for nonstop orgasms.
~End Video~
We have reached out to Lee Best for comment on the news that OCW is finally a member of the HOTv stable of wrestling content. Here is what the GOD of HOW had to say:
“About fucking time”