by Dan RyanHello again.
As you all know because I made sure someone made this name tag that I am wearing but you can’t see because this is words and not videos, my name is “Not” Hunter. Do not call me “Scott”. This is your final warning. Also ignore that it says “Dan Ryan” up above. I still don’t know who that is, only that he’s dumb.
Anyway.
High Octane Wrestling is my favorite wrestling promotion now and coming up very soon is one of the biggest shows of the year, ICONIC. Remember to scream it when you say it because it is in all caps, kind of like all of my uncles at Thanksgiving who are bald and wear all caps.
The last time I talked to all of you with my fingers like this, I did a roster review which approximately 10 people viewed based on my SEO dashboard. Since it was such a chart-breaking hit, I thought I would write another thing, only this time I will be running down the matches at ICONIC, while listening to Tom Petty’s “Runnin’ Down a Dream”, which is confusing, but don’t worry I will help you.
I just want to say up front that I have been a wrestling fan for almost 50 years. I am only 26 years old, but most years I was a fan two or three times each, so that’s how I came up with 50. That might even be a low number. The bottom line is you may not question my authority on the sport or the people in it, or else you will suffer extreme pelvic discomfort and probably a burning sensation.
With that said, here are the matches for High Octane Presents: ICONIC.
GREAT SCOTT © vs. Someone for the HoTV Championship
No one knows who GREAT SCOTT is defending against yet. There is a match between Adam Ellis and I think Art Garfunkel this week on Chaos to determine the challenger. I’m pretty sure that’s right. Or it’s completely wrong, but screw you, I say prove it! Now, I’d like to address the elephant in the room… but Bobbinette Carey does not have a match planned at ICONIC just yet. Instead, I want to talk about GREAT SCOTT and how he has the same first name that I used to have, even though I invented that name two weeks before I invented the figure four leglock which is in the Smithsonian and you can see a live video of it on the internet. Still, I have chosen to do the classy thing and change my name to something less common, like John or James or Steve. It’s still possible that GREAT SCOTT is actually related to me, which is why we have the same first name. I am in the process of completing a 23 and Me, so I will let you all know the results soon. As for the match itself, I have to say I’m fully expecting GREAT SCOTT to retain his championship at ICONIC, especially if his opponent is Art Garfunkel, who really should just retire. That concert in Central Park was like 40 years ago.
The eGG Bandits © vs. The Highwaymen or The Board or The Final Countdown or something for the HoTV Tag Team Championships
This is a very confusing match. It was added at the last second. Something about this match has been really weighing on my mind. It’s Bobby Dean, because he is fat. Also I have a headache now. Thanks… for the calories. I have a rich and storied history with Bobby Dean whom I have personally wrestled up to 1 times. He squashed me like a pancake, then he tried to eat me because he can’t stop eating pancakes. Anyway I think he may be unable to compete when the time comes on account of Netflix adding Mr. Belvedere to its lineup. Mr. Belvedere is Bobby Dean’s great uncle, so he wants to support him whenever he can. Okay, I’m actually being told that Mr. Belvedere died in 2001, so Bobby will probably be okay to put on the tights, so long as Oshkosh B’Gosh makes leotards in XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL. And he may show up for this match with a really big chip on his shoulder, but I bet he eats that chip. I’m not sure which of the other Bandits he’ll be tagging with, or even if two other Bandits might wrestle this match altogether, but I do know that Bobby Dean’s blood sugar will be very high and he will become out of breath walking up the ring steps. That is my prediction. Poor health for Bobby Dean and a high chance of cankles.
Jatt Starr vs. Joe Bergman
This is a very interesting matchup. On one side you have Hall of Famer and noted kite enthusiast, Jatt Starr, who very recently had his brain mushed in by Clay Byrd. He also looks like that guy Homelander if you dropped a looney tunes anvil on his head. On the other side of the ring will be Joe Bergman, who is returning after taking some time off to watch his brother play third base for the Houston Astros and help them win the World Series. Actually I forgot that Joe Bergman once successfully conquered gingivitis and is now mostly clean with generally good dental hygiene unless he eats garlic or tacos, or garlic tacos, which sounds disgusting. I don’t know why he likes them so much. Anyway, I’m going with Jatt Starr in this one because I like people who put double letters in their names, and also because he is the Mayor of Jattlantis and I do not want to get on the bad side of the mayor at a time like this. Here’s to another four years!
Steve Harrison vs. Conor Fuse
Here is another match on the show which has absolutely nothing on the line. Conor Fuse is cool because like me, he enjoys classic video games which is something I definitely do not pirate on the internet and run on my Raspberry Pi then charge the kids in my neighborhood a dollar per play. I can tell that Conor Fuse is the real deal because when there is a big match coming up, he gets very ornery and says mean words to his opponents. If I could think of mean words to say to my opponents I would probably have at least 1, maybe 2 more wins. Conor has been the World Champion and may be again if nothing important comes up. Steve Harrison, as far as I can tell is basically just a face in spandex and no hair. He could probably use one of my uncles’ caps. I thought he had a gay walrus mustache, but then I realized that was John Sektor, who is currently on his 14th retirement. But he’s a legend so ESS TEE EFF YOU. Steve Harrison, though is a surprisingly talented professional wrestler. He has not invented any cool submission moves like I have, but he can certainly hold his own. I don’t think he’ll beat Conor Fuse at ICONIC though. I think Conor is just a little too good and also is someone I remember for more than five minutes after he wrestles, so I’m giving him the edge. That is not a euphemism.
Jace Parker Davidson © vs. Steve Solex for the HOW LSD Championship
Steve Solex is everyone’s favorite dad. He has facial hair you could scrub a cast iron skillet with and he makes his steaks well done so he can use them as door stops. I remember back when I was a little kid, I used to watch Steve Solex compete on American Gladiators. I think his name was “Dad Who Overcompensates for a Tiny Penis by Expressing Himself Through Testosterone Fueled Displays of Patriotism”. That or “Nitro”. Jace Parker Davidson is another one of those Hall of Famers. He has like a jillion championship belts right now which makes no sense because you can only wear one pair of pants at a time, so he has to toss some of them over his shoulder like last week’s laundry, which I still need to do but I am out of fabric softener. SNUGGLES!! That’s what Solex’s name was!! I was close. I knew it was something cool. Jace Parker Davidson is probably going to win this match, that is unless Steve Solex does. I’m playing both sides of the fence here because I don’t like to be wrong. So basically no matter who wins, I was right and you should think of me that way. Also I’m betting you five dollars so no matter who wins I would like you to have my five dollars to me by the following Wednesday. I accept PayPal. Thanks.
Christopher America © vs. Clay Byrd
This is a real tough call because it is literally a country vs. a bird, which is weird because I didn’t know birds could fight due to their tiny little talons, but there’s literally birds all over this match. Christopher American has a bird, Clay is a Byrd. Someone will probably flip someone the bird in the match. There’s probably going to be lots of bird poop everywhere because there are too many birds. The champion represents the good old United States of America and follows in a long storied tradition of proud patriots probably pinning people. Five words in a row. That’s a record. Clay Byrd on the other hand, is from Texas. Okay look, I’m just gonna come right out and say what we’re all thinking. Texas is stupid, guys. Like really really stupid. And what’s with longhorns anyway?? And those giant antlers. Those things look nothing like any reindeer I’ve ever seen. Santa’s sleigh will never fit through any tight corridors. Way to go, longhorns. Disappointing as always. Clay Byrd is from Plainview, which would be a fine town if it were in any other state. I hear there is a vibrant art community and an up and coming regional theater there, where they are about to start a run of The Phantom of the Opera, which will be very good, only there will be a new person playing the deformed phantom this year because Clay Byrd has a championship to win, so he’ll be busy. Now I’m actually a fan of both of these guys. I like the hard scrabbled, unshaven big Texan nearly as much as I like the overbearingly patriotic guy from some other state I’m too lazy to look up. But If I had to make a call here, which I don’t, but I’m going to anyway, I think I’ll go with Clay Byrd, because he learned everything he knows from Japan, and everyone knows that America steals all the best stuff from Japan. My friend from Pittsburgh told me that and I believe him because he’s super smart and always makes perfect sense.
Well there you have it. My big incredibly correct predictions for High Octane Wrestling’s ICONIC 2022. Remember that I am correct no matter who wins and these predictions are for entertainment purposes only, except I am definitely betting big money on all of these.
Have a wonderful weekend, and remember what good ol’ Bobby Dean always says….. “I could really go for some cake.”
So long everyone!