- Inside sources report that Ned Reform is telling any and all who will listen that he will soon be signing with PRIME. However, word from the PRIME top brass is they are less than interested in adding him to the roster thanks to his less than stellar reputation in other wrestling companies.
- Joe Fontaine and Sid Phillips were said to be ecstatic following their harrowing victory over the eGG Bandits on ReVival 12. The victory was the Winds’ third straight victory since their humiliating elimination from Survivor back on ReVival 9.
An excited Fontaine, who picked up the win, was quoted in saying, “Yeah! Take that, Jared Blueberry!” Sid, meanwhile, declared that, “I can powerbomb anyone, even if you think I can’t.” When asked about the presence of King Blueberry and Reina Raspberry at ringside, Joe was quoted as saying, “I mean, they didn’t even bring popcorn. What did they *really* learn if they don’t have popcorn? You want to study? Bring popcorn, and eat it in such a way that you get more of it on you than in your mouth. You can quote me on that, by the way.”
- As news began circulating of PRIME competitors signing contracts for the Phoenix Wrestling Alliance, it was only a matter of time before such news would trickle down…and boy, has it.
We can now confirm that the Masters of the Multiverse B-Team have signed a deal with the PWA to compete in the different promotions involved.
Kenny Freeman responded in a short blog post confirming the news, citing plans to “expand the reach of the Masters of the Multiverse, to defend against whatever may come our way.”
This would’ve been posted as a separate news article, but we needed to confirm who the hell Kenny Freeman actually is before agreeing to run it at all.
- Calio Rose is said to have left the arena before Impulse’s ReVival 12 match with Nova.
One set of eyes not on the Main Event were those of Impulse, who was caught by Angelica Brooks exiting Lindsay Troy’s office before the match had concluded. Angie was able to get some comments.
On his match with Nova…
“That was a disgrace. Nova and I deserved a clean finish. I just talked to LT and tried to convince her to throw out the match result and rule it a no contest… she said no. I’m not happy about that, but Nova and I will hopefully be able to clear the air sooner rather than later.”
On Brandon Youngblood’s podcast comments…
“Of course I heard ’em, we all listen to The Undergroundcast. Some of them were a simple difference of perspective, some were blatant lies or overcompensation. I’m sorry he finds it elitist that me and Rose can afford to travel pretty much as we like, but I spent my peak years saving my money, not blowing it on cocaine, gold diggers, and failed marriages. His inadequacy isn’t my problem.
“As far as being accused of sour grapes, this is the second time today I’ve had to talk about that after running into Bambi in the med center. It’s just bad timing for me that I lost my opportunity at the same time I started hearing his inaccurate opinion on me, but one has nothing to do with the other.
“As an athlete? He’s top notch. Obviously, he’s still undefeated after eight months and holding a death grip on that title belt. As a person? Best I can figure is he saw that he was gonna be splitting the fans’ loyalty with me and his little brain couldn’t handle it, so he decided to invent this scenario where I’m a gatekeeping asshole and try to sell it for sympathy.
“It’s pathetic, really – and it’s not what you’d expect from a Hall of Famer.
“Bambi actually scolded me about an hour ago for talking about a ‘PRIME Hall of Famer’ with anything less than reverential worship, invoking Nova in the process. There’s a difference between respecting what an athlete has accomplished in this sport and how they carry themselves as a person, and Nova has earned all of that respect from me. So had the Champ, until he blatantly said that that respect was blatantly one – sided. Bambi picked the right hero in Nova, but the idea that Hall of Fame is equivalent to Too Important To Be Criticized is the height of naivete and he’ll be better off with a small dose of reality penetrating that fever dream.”
“It’s self-defeating to say I only won because of Shanahan, but it was absolutely unfair to Nova. The MESSIAH guys are going to pay for that and I can’t wait to see it. Cults are bad, kids.”
“It’s a personal matter that I’m not prepared to discuss. If she wants to talk about it she can, but we got a phone call that needed to be addressed and, at least from a business end, one of us had to get to the ring so Nova could have an opponent. But she’s okay, I’m okay, we’re okay – so let’s leave it there for now.”
- After ReVival went off the air, reigning Five Star Champion Rezin, fresh off his successful title defense in the main event, was approached by several members of the press backstage for an informal media scrum. Sparking up a celebratory spliff, the Escape Artist agreed to field questions.
When asked about his thoughts on the match against GREAT SCOTT…
“He had me in the first half, not gonna lie. Not sure I woulda pulled this one off if I hadn’t been puttin’ in the extra time with the training. I always thought workin’ out and exercise was a waste of time and a luxury for rich people, but here it is payin’ off in my in-ring performance. WHO KNEW?!
“As for SCOTT… lemme tell ya, that dude is a BEAST! Had a truly humbling experience with him out there… but one I can’t say I’m innerested in repeatin’ any time soon. If this is a sign of things to come from future challenges, then I guess I got my work cut out for me. But hey, man… I ain’t frettin’ about that any time soon. Keeps me hungry. Keeps me pushin’ forward.”
When asked about who intends to defend the Five Star Championship against next…
“I ain’t thinkin’ too much about it for the time being. I just go into the ring, do my thing, and hope I leave with the bling. That’s what wrestling is, ain’t it? I first earned the opportunity to compete for this title because my potential was realized, so I’m willin’ to accept any and all comers who show a bit of the same.”
He paused for a beat.
“Maybe someone out there has somethin’ to say about that, but I could give a fuck what anyone else has to think. This championship reign is gonna be what it’s gonna be. I’m still kinda new to the whole ‘representin’ a company as one of its champs and top stars’ thing, so I’m more than happy to just leave the whole figurin’ out of who’s gonna be next in line to ‘Her Majesty’…”
Upon making reference to “The Queen of the Ring” Lindsay Troy, Rezin’s attitude visibly soured.
“Although knowin’ HER, I’m sure there’s already a list of progressively BIGGER and TOUGHER hoss boys, all of whom she THINKS could potentially STRIP THIS BELT offa ME! ANYTHING other than lettin’ a LOWLY SCUMFUCK like ME carry one of HER TITLES AROUND! Yeah, NOTHING WOULD MAKE HER HAPPIER than seein’ ME gettin’ STOMPED INTO A STAIN IN THE RING, CAUSE SHE AIN’T EVER GONNA ADMIT–”
Rezin cut off his ever-escalating rant when his manager standing close by put a hand on his shoulder, and the Goat Bastard calmed himself after taking a deep breath.
“Uhh, anyway… we’ll just leave it at that, cause I can’t afford any more fines. Next question?”
When asked if there was anyone he specifically wanted to face off against in the ring…
“Man, I dunno… still a few legends I’d like to tangle with in a one-on-one setting. Would be stoked to trade some moonsaults with Johnny. Would be honored to give Nova some pointers on ESCAPING things. Would be nice if Jack Harmen got the bug again and showed me first hand just how HIGH he can fly. Probably set off a whole lotta fire alarms with any of those dudes. Other than that, I know there’s at least a coupla peeps out there who I’d more than love to even the odds with. But, ya know…”
A smirk forms on his face when he moves the belt onto his shoulder in clear view of the reporters and cameras.
“I sure would hate to be considered a STEP DOWN for anyone!”
When asked if he had any interest into moving up to challenge Brandon Youngblood for the Universal Title…
Rezin’s smirk immediately went away and the blood drained from his face
“UHHMM… I’ll just stay focused on the title I have for the time bein’, I think.”
When asked what he has been doing in regards to training, his manager Rocko Daymon stepped in to answer…
“For the time being, we are remaining fixed on fundamentals. Conditioning. Strength training. Practicing holds, when we can. The Five Star Champion has already proven his adeptness in agility and reflexes. But there is still much work to be done. Both physically, and, I am sure we can all agree, mentally…”
Daymon taps the side of his head, drawing an eye roll from the champion.
When asked if “Rocko Daymon” was really his name…
When Rezin was asked if he had any interest in partaking in the newly formed PWA…
“It’s an innerestin’ thing they got goin’ on there in PWA… but, I dunno. Time ain’t right. I still have commitments to another federation down in New Orleans, and I’m perfectly happy with what I got goin’ on down there. But… never say never. I get bored pretty easily, in case ya hadn’t noticed.”
When asked on where he was planning to go from here…
“After tomorrow? Who knows. But for tonight…?”
During the pause, he put a set of sunglasses over his eyes.
“Hookers and blow.”
Rezin walked away from the reporters after this comment. Rocko Daymon followed up with this: “By that, of course, he means pizza and Netflix.”
- According to PRIME officials, the official recorded vital statistics for Buster Gloves were misrepresented in the on-screen graphics and by the ring announcers during his match at ReVival 12. Buster Gloves, who was formerly a light heavyweight MMA champion at 205 pounds, now measures in at 6’2” tall and 252 pounds. This new weight puts him 1” shorter and 4 lbs heavier than his opponent Mortimer Kjedelig. Buster was mistakenly announced at 152 pounds. This correction makes the win by Kjedelig look even more impressive in light of the size comparison. A backstage source has revealed that an intern responsibile for the error has been spoken to.
- Paxton Ray has been fined $10,000 for punching and knocking out a backstage attendant after the cameras stopped rolling at ReVival 12. Apparently Ray was still seething from his egging attack, and the attendant was assaulted after informing Ray that there was still some food left in the catering section if he was hungry. As it turned out, Ray was not hungry, and he punched the attendant before muttering, “There better not be any eggs there” as he walked off.
- Also on the Rezin front, the scuttlebutt behind the scenes is that the Escape Artist has gifted junior reporter Simon Tillier with a new suit after personally ruining his last one.
Inexplicably, it’s the bunny suit from A Christmas Story.
- Word around the MESSIAH crypt is that recent devotee Noah Hanson is far surpassing the rotary clique’s expectations. One follower rooted deep within the depths of hell even said, “I wouldn’t be surprised if it was Hanson at UltraViolence over Master Bateroy. He’s really come on as of late.”
- Speculation runs rampant that FLAMBERGE is in contact with a number of different personalities both in and out of the wrestling sphere for career management and marketing sponsorship opportunities. Some believe Henri is trying to get back in his son’s good graces, others think Daniel Darby has worked out a new deal with Forged In Fire’s upcoming series about French weaponry. No confirmations at this time.
- Melvin Beauregard, while not in attendance for ReVival 12, has stated he plans to be in attendance for ReVival 13. His new office assistant Scott could not be reached for comment. Some would accuse Scott of disappearing from work randomly. What did come out of Melvin’s office this week was this: “I’ll be on hand to continue to push the agenda of the PWA:TV Network at the show, and continue to sign roster members to PWA member fed contracts.”
- In a recent maritime meet and greet via carrier pigeon, Cancer Jiles was asked if his whole family wore T- Shades in their family portrait. As for the COOLympian’s inscribed, snarky, two day’s time response, “Tell me first, is your Dad wearing T-shades in yours?”
- We managed to catch up with one half of the PRIME tag team champions, Reina Raspberry of the Kings of Popsicles, following the events of ReVival 12. When asked about the most recent exchange between her group and the Winds of Change, Raspberry – real name Justine Calvin – had this to say:
“Sometimes it feels like running a daycare, I guess you could say. Like being the only adult in the room. Fortunately I haven’t had to deal with any forklifts yet, but every so often Jared will mutter something about a tractor that sets my nerves on edge.”
Raspberry also offered her thoughts on the upcoming title defense against the team of Barry Delgado and Trent Sadikaj, collectively known as Solid Gold Rock ‘n Roll, at ReVival 13. While this will be the first defense of these championships since being won at Great American Nightmare, for Raspberry this will also be her first championship defense on a major stage.
“There are nerves, absolutely,” she said. “But I understand that it comes with the territory. There’s been a lot of back-and-forth with Fontaine and Phillips, but we can’t look past this team. I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but Jared made a good point recently when he talked about how if Solid Gold don’t get the rock across that finish line, that maybe we’re not the ones going into Great American Nightmare in the first place.
“What the Universal Champion said about us and our division means a lot. It means a lot to me personally just to know that I – that we – have the attention of someone with that standing, but also that despite our presentation, Jared and I are both intent on doing the most we can in this division.”
- The long-rumored class action lawsuit against GruelTec Foods and Rat Poison Company over the hyper-laxative properties of WarmCold, has finally been filed by the national law firm of Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe. Although he was the national face for the brand, The Anglo Luchador has not been named as a co-defendant. In fact, after days of deliberation, the Intense Champion has hired a lawyer from the national firm to get him out of his burdensome contract with the world’s leading supplier of circus peanuts and instant-kill rat poison tablets shaped like… circus peanuts.
“Honestly, I thought it was a fun gag at first,” the luchador reported to Angelica Brooks. “I ate topical analgesic that didn’t make me react like a cartoon character who just ate a hot pepper, and I made some pocket money on the side. Win/win, right?”
He then added, “That was a big wrong, in case you didn’t pick up on the obvious lead in. The fajita and green apple flavors were the only ones I ate, and they were terrible. I didn’t get the runs, but I didn’t want my name attached to it. I’m not even sure GruelTec consulted Coral [Avalon] or the producers of Mega Job and the Ten True Fruits to get their flavor rammed through. I didn’t want my name attached to it anymore, but apparently, the contract I signed had a lot of hidden clauses in it. I’m a fighter, not a lawyer. That’s on me for not getting one.”
In content better suited for Rumor Mills, GruelTec is prepared to offer a settlement to prevent this matter being taken to court. Sources say they can afford the loss, as their newest product, Happy Baby Synthetic Formula, (replacing Happy Baby No Plastic Formula, which was found to have well above the FDA-mandated limit of microplastics within) has boosted profit margins to unprecedented levels. However, they are also planning on tweaking the WarmCold formula and possibly signing a new wrestler spokesman, The Phantom Republican, who is in the middle of competing in the Ichiban Puroresu Nippon W-1 GRINDAHHH tournament at present.
- And finally, the traveler inching his way across Canada wearing an Anglo Luchador mask has made his way across the border between Idaho and Nevada. Sources say he was seen driving along US-95 in a beige Buick with ratty suspension. Again, people who have noticed him have also noticed that he has an impossibly firm yet supple posterior, which many people have remarked “could not be the REAL Anglo Luchador,” whose ass has been compared to, among other things, “a bowl full of dry cottage cheese” and “two misshapen golf balls.” The faux Luchador’s route seemingly puts him on a roundabout path towards Las Vegas. Why he’s taking the long way is a mystery, but it might have something to do with his cargo. We’ll keep an eye on this ersatz Luchador until he makes it to whatever destination to which he’s headed.