All the news that’s fit to print….and even some that isn’t. Check it out!
-Jonathan Rhine took a flight soon after ReVival so he could support Ian Nackedy of Sound and Fury in the Milo Flynn Cup. We sent texts to Rhine asking his thoughts on his match and Paxton Ray’s incident with Bobby Dean. His only response was “Paxton did WHAT????”
-More fines were given to all three members of the Winds of Change following ReV 14.
The first was a $1,000 fine each for enabling a situation where a four-foot long bastard sword was put in the capable, powerful jaws of Bucky Rex Daniels. The good, good boy spent much of the back half of the show waving the blade around and being a proper menace. A second, curiously higher fine of $3,000 each were given to the Winds of Change for almost allowing the Anglo Luchador to acquire a sword.
Mysteriously, the usually available Baron von Blackberry was not available for comment. Jabber activity has suggested that he left to board a flight to Minnesota immediately after the Winds’ victory over Solid Gold Rock n’ Roll. Sid Phillips was said to have shaken his head, pulled out his wallet, and powerbombed the moth that flew out of its empty coffers.
An exasperated Lindsay Troy could only comment, “You morons need to stop doing things that get you fined.”
-Yes, you saw it right, The Anglo Luchador made an appearance at the latest HOW Chaos show in Tampa to confront Jace Parker Davidson, the latest salvo in their brewing PWA beef that began on Twitter. The luchador has created an official account on the site for unknown but important reasons, but the dust-up with the HOW Hall of Famer occurred because of a mention from indie wrestler Garry Ray-Ray Nelson. Whether or not the young talent, who looks strangely like a young Larry Bird, meant for the interaction to happen is all hearsay as no one from our press corps can seem to track him down.
Regardless, Davidson took commercial time to call out PRIME and the luchador on ReVival 13. Despite advice from people in the know in the PRIME locker room who said that Davidson was “not worth [the Intense Champion]’s time,” The Anglo Luchador said to our own Angelica Brooks on the record that he “takes being a member AND a Champion in PRIME seriously,” and that “when people disparage it and [him], [he] takes a special kind of offense.”
The match as of current time hasn’t been scheduled yet. One thing is for certain; The Anglo Luchador’s Intense Championship will NOT be on the line, which was his decision. “Look, if he looks down on PRIME so much, I’m not going to trouble him by even giving him the opportunity to take the thing I bled and made people bleed for. Besides, why should I give some guy who doesn’t even work here a shot over people like Anna Daniels, Ria Lockhart, or Nate Colton?”
-After the events of ReVival 14, the Masters of the Multiverse B-Team issued a joint statement thanking fans for their continued support of the Food-O-Matic 3000 before focusing squarely on the situation with the David Fox and Mushigihara:
“Now that we’ve set the terms for the Fund-O-Matic Challenge at UltraViolence, we want the world to know that we are training extra hard and enjoying some delicious STRONKUMMS salad sandwiches thanks to the mixing power of the Food-O-Matic 3000! Now THAT is a dangerous mix, if we’ve ever seen one!”
-You couldn’t see it because of heavy makeup but Hayes Hanlon was still recovering from a gigantic cold sore.
-Timo Bolamba has been taking his suspension rather seriously. When asked about the punishment, which was meted partially for his own sake, he said “Oh, yeah I haven’t really left the gym except for my duties backstage at the last show and a thing Jon Rhine asked me about. I got permission beforehand.”
When we asked Timo if he knew that this wasn’t some sort of grounding from a parent and he was free to leave any time he wanted, Timo shrugged and said “I promised to accept the consequences of my actions, no matter what. Plus Rezin has been here a bunch and that dude is always in high spirits.”
-Sources are saying that after his (very tainted) upset win over Anna Daniels at ReVival 14, Ned Reform is claiming that he is now an official member of the PRIME roster and will sign his contract live in the ring at ReVival 15. Whether there is any validity to this claim or this is simply Reform’s trademark delusion has yet to be seen, but either way The Good Doctor seems to have something planned for the upcoming TV.
-Word from the Glue Camp is that FLAMBERGE did not receive a check from Nate Colton for repairs to his automobile caused by their scuffle at ReVival 13; rather, a letter from Goodlife Credit Union addressed to the Frenchman gave notice of a cash delivery to take place the evening of September 9th. When asked for comment, FLAMBERGE was “peeved” but “ready to count every penny if that’s what it takes.”
-GREAT SCOTT has been running wild across the PWA this week, with his newfound mean streak leading to increased attention and success. SCOTT appeared at OCW’s Margarita Mix Tournament last night, where he cemented an alliance with OCW roster member Garry “Ray Ray” Nelson and HOW LSD Champion Jace Parker Davidson. In addition, LARGE DADDY SCOTT emerged victorious in an i tee promotional match against HOW’s Clay Byrd, capturing the HOTv Championship at HOW CHAOS 6.
But the self-proclaimed PWA MEGASTAR isn’t stopping there. We’re told that GREAT SCOTT is open to appearances in all PWA companies, and that negotiations are currently underway for a HOTv Title defense at the next MVW show.
-Melvin Beauregard held a party at his hospital room to watch HOW’s CHAOS 6, and The Flynn Cup. He reportedly purchased a ton of ribs from an upscale BBQ on the Vegas Strip. Many people were invited. One of the nurses who attended had this to say: “I walked in and Mr. Beauregard had covered himself in BBQ sauce. He was slathered in it, covered head to toe. I changed his catheter, so then I had a big BBQ slathered baby because he cried. He asked me to stick around and said he had some friends coming over. I told him I wasn’t that into wrestling. That was a lie. I just think Jared Sykes is a sex machine under that mask, and looks like Jared Leto before all the cocaine, and Melvin is a douche. So I left and I think he cried harder.”
Melvin had no comment on the party.
-Small correction to the earlier Hanlon report. His affliction is genital face warts, not a cold sore.
-Adam Ellis will return to Missouri Valley Wrestling tomorrow night to appear on their Wrestling Night in the Heartland show. Ellis will be on hand to present the MVW Men’s Title he vacated when he left to join PRIME to either ‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson or John O’Reilly.
-King Blueberry suffered a laceration on his left hand following a backstage incident with Anna Daniels’ pet dog Bucky and a sword. Despite enduring one of the strangest injuries recorded in PRIME to date, he is not expected to miss any time, and is scheduled to face-off against Impulse in the main event of ReVival 15. The match will be Blueberry’s first as a solo competitor in close to eleven years, however when asked about this the normally loquacious King Blueberry became uncharacteristically quiet.
-PWA T-Shades are sold out.
Cancer Jiles’ Christmas card this year will feature yuletide greetings from both the USS Octane and Timo’s jet.
Bobby Dean ate 17 snow cones after ReVival went off the air. He said of the feat, “I got to take care of my body— all this egging is catching up to me.”
Dooze was seen. That is all.
-Junior MESSIAH member and former Eagle Scout, Julian Bathory, was happy to pick up another hard fought win.
Glue was smeared all over the mirrors in the men’s backstage bathroom. At first everyone thought it was Hank letting off some steam because of Adult Swim, but there were telephone books everywhere so the cause of the defilement quickly shifted to Universal Champion, Phillip Atken. No word as to why, but one can speculate it had something to do with his height.
-Dr. Astrid Fihlguud has medically cleared Brandon Youngblood to compete ahead of ReVival 15. Coming off a shocking upset loss of the Universal Championship to Phil Atken, Brandon has been dealing with various injuries as a result of the ReVival 13 contest, chief among them a broken nose. This decision is contingent on Youngblood wearing a protective mask to prevent further injury. When asked about his ReVival 15 opponent, Bobby Dean of the eGG Bandits, Brandon stated, “He’s a piece of shit. I haven’t forgotten about what happened at ReVival 7.” For those unaware, both Bobby Dean and Doozer trashed and placed a horse head in his locker room ahead of Cancer Jiles’ golden ticket Universal Championship title match. Youngblood would go on to successfully retain the championship. When asked to elaborate further, the Tower of Babel was noted of stating, “He’s not making it to UltraViolence. Hell, he’s even going to make it to CHAOS 7.” Strong words from a former champion looking to get back on track.
-Turns out Hayes was just smiling. Sorry for all the confusion.