CHARLES DE LACY VS. ZACH KOSTOFF
Joe Hoffman: Welcome to Chaos 26! We’re going to start with a bang and a shot to enter WarGames! We have two HOW rookies here in Charles de Lacy and an actual, wrestling rookie, with a familiar last name, in Zach Kostoff.
Benny Newell: So glad de Lacy wasted Bobbinettewood last week so I don’t have to reference hockey anymore.
Joe Hoffman: [Ignoring the comment] Let’s go to ringside.
The scene switches to Bryan McVay in the center of the squared circle.
Bryan McVay: This is a WARGAMES qualifier!
The crowd roars!
Bryan McVay: Introducing first… from Tampa, Florida… weighing two-hundred-forty pounds… ZACH KOSTOFF!!
The arena dims its lights as a blue light shines down on the stage and Jelly Roll’s “Son of a Sinner” begins to play through the arena. While the lyrics “I’m a long haired son of sinner” echo off the walls, Zach makes his first HOW wrestling appearance onto the stage. He slowly marches down as the crowd has a mix of cheers and boos. Zach climbs the stairs, grabs the top rope and leaps over.
Joe Hoffman: Zach’s first match in HOW and a WarGames shot on the line! I couldn’t think of a better way to debut!
Bryan McVay: And his opponent… from York, England… weighing two-hundred-forty pounds… DANDY, CHARLES DE LACY!!
The regal tones of “Ballad of the Virgin Soldiers” pipe through the HOW PA system, signaling the arrival of “Dandy” Charles de Lacy. Sauntering down the aisle, a look of utter contempt etched on his face, de Lacy glares at the fans who dare to reach towards the expensive silk robe draped over his shoulders. Wiping his feet on the apron, de Lacy steps through the middle rope before turning slowly in the center of the ring and surveying his surroundings. The referee helps de Lacy remove his robe, handing it to the time-keeper on the outside of the ring, while de Lacy limbers up on the inside with a series of stretches.
Joe Hoffman: We have two men who weigh the EXACT same and are also the EXACT same height. What are the odds!?
Benny Newell: I have A LOT of theories on that but one…..but no one cares, Joe. Let’s just watch them kill each other. We all know the ending of this story…..another Kostoff dies at the hands of Lee. Last weeks swirlie was just the start of this kid learning the hard way.
Joe Hoffman: Well there is no doubt that the GOD of HOW baptized Zach last week on the same night he signed his HOW Contract. One has to wonder how the kid will bounce back tonight with his first match.
Benny Newell: I placed a very LARGE wager that Kostoff will do Kostoff things and lose. They were born to lose and let’s not forget that even though Charles is a rookie here in HOW…he is no stranger to the ring…….easy win forthcoming.
Before Joe can respond we head into the ring were Hall of Fame referee Joel Hortega calls for the bell when both parties are ready.
DING DING DING
Charles de Lacy circles around the rookie Zach Kostoff until they lock into a grapple. Kostoff ends up working de Lacy back a couple of steps before Dandy breaks the hold, knees Kostoff in the chest and wraps his arms around the rookie’s waist. de Lacy lifts Kostoff in the air and throws Zach on the back of his head with a german suplex. de Lacy lets go of Kostoff and gets onto his feet. The rookie is also back on his but de Lacy follows with an arm drag and then a kick to the back. With Kostoff seated in the middle of the canvas, de Lacy bounces off the ropes and takes hold of Kostoff’s head, snapping it forward and sending it straight into the canvas.
de Lacy stands, pulls Kostoff along with him and performs a falcon arrow suplex into a pin.
de Lacy is right back to work. He lands another suplex, this time a snap suplex and then bounces off the ropes, dropkicking Kostoff the face.
However, the rookie put his hands up at the last second and de Lacy likely didn’t notice.
Joe Hoffman: I don’t think Charles got all of that one.
As Dandy goes to pick Zach off the mat, he’s rolled into a pinfall attempt!
Dandy is on both feet and this time he punts Kostoff square in the face! The rookie wasn’t able to block it. Dandy looks a little rattled that he almost got sucked into a quick pin by a newcomer. He tosses Zach into a corner and charges in with a back elbow smash. Dandy takes Kostoff’s head and places it under his arm… he’s looking for a running bulldog when Kostoff pushes Dandy off and onto the mat. Kostoff comes in with a back elbow of his own, followed by an exploder suplex. The rookie works at a quick pace. He snatches de Lacy off the mat and connects with a brain buster suplex! Then a DDT! Finally, a running cutter and a leg drop to the back of Dandy’s head!
Joe Hoffman: Both men know what’s on the line, a spot in WarGames. They’re wrestling like it.
Benny Newell: Right now it’s Kostoff in control…..and I MIGHT have to open up the HOG and see if the odds have moved….
Kostoff begins hammering open palm shots to de Lacy’s temple when Joel Hortega tells him to stop, realizing they became close fists instead. Kostoff backs away but rushes at de Lacy the second he sees Dandy is on all fours.
Kostoff looks for a leg drop (or a modified fameasser) but de Lacy moves at the very last second. Kostoff lands on the mat and de Lacy is upright. Charles is wobbly but nevertheless he knees Kostoff in the side of the head and then drags Zach to a vertical base. The Brit hits an atomic drop, followed by a pendulum backbreaker.
de Lacy knows more work needs to be done, although he’s hurting. The Englishman positions Kostoff into a german suplex but he can’t lift Kostoff. Instead, Kostoff fires three elbows and breaks free. The rookie goes into the ropes but eats a knee in the chest on the rebound! de Lacy follows with a snapmare, a kick to the back… and then a bounce off the ropes… into a dropkick. A delayed vertical suplex follows- except Kostoff escapes!
The rookie hits the ropes and spears de Lacy out of his boots!
Kostoff stands and balls his fists. He begins feeding off the energy in the crowd. He open handed chops de Lacy across the chest once… twice… thrice… again and again he goes, working Dandy into a corner. Kostoff Irish whips de Lacy into the corner across the way and Charles meets it chest-first. Dandy bounces off, he throws a wild right hand but doesn’t know where he is, so that right hand hits nothing but air.
Then he’s leveled with a clothesline by the rookie!
Kostoff hooks a leg.
Benny Newell: Whew…….LETTING IT RIDE JOE!!!! LETS GET DANDY WITH THIS!!!
Joe Hoffman: So you replaced drinking with gambling…god it…..but yes big kick out there by Charles. The shoulder was a last second thing but Kostoff still has this match under control.
Zach works de Lacy’s right temple by feeding him many elbows over and over. It’s rocking Dandy around the ring, he’s on roller skates as Kostoff pulls the vet towards him and attempts to hit a cradle package piledriver.
At the last second, Charles de Lacy wiggles free. He pele kicks Kostoff in the side of the head and then proceeds with European uppercuts.
Benny Newell: AMERICAN uppercuts. Gotta love it.
Joe Hoffman: I’m calling them European uppercuts, Benny.
Benny Newell: You do you Joe….you do you.
Either way, de Lacy works Kostoff into a corner before hip tossing the rookie away from it. de Lacy positions himself on the second rope and lands a measured knee drop to the forehead of Kostoff.
Dandy keeps working the rookie. He wants to go to WarGames and intends to end this immediately. He’s looking for Stand and Deliver, his falling neckbreaker, when Kostoff works his way out of it and pushes de Lacy into the ropes.
Kostoff goes for a spear but this time it’s well scouted by de Lacy, who was already speared by Kostoff prior. Dandy moves out of the way, he hops to the side and Kostoff runs into the ring post, through the top and middle turnbuckle padding.
It’s the opening de Lacy needed.
Joe Hoffman: Look out!
de Lacy peels Kostoff from the corner and lands his falling neckbreaker… followed by his finisher, Dandy’s Decree, a bridging fisherman’s suplex.
DING DING DING
Bryan McVay: The winner… and advancing to WarGames… CHARLES DEEEEEEEEE LACCCCCCCCCCYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Joe Hoffman: And there you have it the veteran, albeit a HOW rookie, will be going to WarGames!
Benny Newell: BOOM! Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!!!
Referee Joel Hortega raises de Lacy’s hand as his theme music plays and Chaos goes elsewhere.
Instead of cutting backstage or elsewhere, the lights in the arena begin to flicker.
Joe Hoffman: What the…..
Benny Newell: Fucking MVW bullshit here….
The lights in the Enterprise Center suddenly go completely black.
Joe Hoffman: Apparently, we are experiencing technical difficulties ladies and gentlemen………
The HOV slowly comes back on and the video screen is static.
Joe Hoffman: Looks like our broadcast is boldly going where it hasn’t gone before…..
Benny Newell: NERD!!!
The HOV begins to flicker and it begins to show the attack from the previous Chaos where the Final Alliance is destroying everyone on the roster not associated with them.
Joe Hoffman: Here is the footage from last week’s attack on the roster by Lee Best and the Final Alliance.
Benny Newell: Attack? It was GOD and his chosen few taking out the Nerd trash Hoffman. GOD was preventing NERD-ageddon from happening and thank Lee it didn’t happen.
The footage comes to a screeching halt with Scott Stevens being assaulted by Jatt Starr, Dan Ryan, and STRonk before going black.
Joe Hoffman: Well it looks like things are back to normal…..
Hoffman is cut off.
Voice: The more things change the more the stay the same, eh Lee?
The audience in the arena is looking around to see where the voice is originated from and so do the announcers.
Voice: I always said the Final Alliance had a problem with doing their jobs and it seems like three little bitches couldn’t get the job done last week.
Joe Hoffman: I know that voice.
And so does the thousands in attendance as they give the Demi-God of HOW as mixed reaction.
Benny Newell: Look!
Benny shouts as the HOV shows a barely visible Scott Stevens and his 97 Red glass eye glistens in the partially illuminated room.
Scott Stevens: Jocks vs Nerds. Really?
Stevens shakes his head.
Scott Stevens: Apparently, Lee Best wants to relive his high school never years and not be the one shoved into the lockers or getting his bald head a swirlie in a shit field toilet.
A chuckle goes throughout the arena.
Benny Newell: He better watch his mouth Hoffman or so help me, Lee.
Scott Stevens: You can play all the games you want Lee, but I’m not playing anymore.
The Texan’s facial expressions and tone say it all.
Scott Stevens: You should’ve buried me six feet under like Kostoff because like I said before the Final Alliance have been marked.
The audience gives Stevens another mixed reaction.
Scott Stevens: While some are away that means others are bound to be picked off if they aren’t careful.
A sadistic grin forms over the Texan’s face as he slowly fades into the background with his glass eye the only thing showing before it slowly disappears as well.
Benny Newell: It is like Stevens LOVES to get his ass kicked.
Joe Hoffman: Scott Stevens has made it apparent that the Final Alliance are marked men.
Benny Newell: And I am SUUUUUURRREEEE everyone is shaking in their boots. Get the fuck outta here….
NOW the feed cuts away as we head elsewhere as the St. Louis fans, who are all very familiar Stevens and his family, continue to buzz over what they just heard.
THE BEST OF FRIENDS
The show cuts away to a locker room backstage. It is decked out with American flags and Red, White and Blue pompoms and bunting. It is very clearly a locker room belonging to a very particular wrestler, who just happens to be walking in the room.
The fans in the arena boo as Christopher America, his belt over one shoulder, looks around the room, seemingly surprised by the decor. If he didn’t set this up, then who did?
Evan Ward: Chris! Buddy! What do you think?
The fans boo even harder as the Hall of Famer steps into shot, wearing his Final Alliance jacket. Ward opens his arms wide, ready for a comradely embrace. America just stares at him.
Evan Ward: What? No hug? After I set this up just for you! How about a handshake, then?
Ward offers out a hand, which America looks at with an air of disgust. He instinctively goes to bat it away but catches himself and tentatively shakes it as if Ward was a leper with a shit covered hand.
Evan Ward: There you go!
Ward grins and gives America a friendly, if hard, pat on his championship belt before backing off. He seems to be enjoying making America uncomfortable.
Evan Ward: You’ve gotta get over your foreigner phobia, dude. I mean, we’re friends now, aren’t we?
Christopher America: Friends? The last time you and I were on the same side, you left me high and dry in Alcatraz. So, no, we’re not friends.
Evan Ward: I’m hurt, Chris, hurt! Of course we’re friends. I helped you with Fuse, didn’t I? Gift wrap and all! That’s what friends do, we help each other…
Ward’s smiling, friendly expression smoothly changed to something a bit more sinister.
Evan Ward: Just like you’re going to help me.
America squeezes his title tightly and raises an eyebrow.
Evan Ward: You are going to help me, first of all you’re going to help me win this match. Together we’re going to beat the living toss out of Jace and Zion, show them just how small and insignificant they really are. But that’s just the start. Ultimately, Chris, you’re going to help me win War Games.
America scowls at the idea of specifically helping Ward win War Games. His nails begin to dig in to the red leather.
Evan Ward: Don’t look at me like that. It’s not like I’m asking a lot here, and I’m not saying it’s payment for what I’ve done so far. We’re friends, you help me and I’ll keep helping you.
Christopher America: Help me? Help me… how?
Evan Ward: First of all I can help you keep that…
Evan pointed at the World Championship belt.
Evan Ward: I can help you keep it until War Games, because I’m your friend. We all know how promiscuous a mistress she can be, that Championship is a bit of a bike if you get what I mean.
Evan laughs. America looks furious at the insinuation that his betrothed belt would cheat on him. Evan continues before America can give him a piece of his mind.
Evan Ward: But, tonight, I can help you deal with your Jace problem. He was never your friend, not really, you know that right? I mean, what did he ever do for you? You literally asked him to help you with Fuse and he fucked you off over it.
Ward steps up to America again.
Evan Ward: I did that without being asked… Because friends don’t need to ask, friends just help each other… just like I won’t need to ask you to help me when the time comes.
Christopher America: The last time someone Un-American tried to help me, I put them in the hospital… for weeks.
Evan Ward: You’ve got to get over the fact I wasn’t born over here, dude. When it comes down to things I’m just as American as you. After all, beating up nerds, taking advantage of situations, of those less capable than you to get what you want… isn’t that the most American thing anyone can do?
Christopher America: The most American thing you can do… is help ME take care of the Jace Parker Davidson problem and then get your ass deported back to that third world hell hole of a country, herding sheep or whatever else it is you do in your spare time.
Evan Ward: Come on, don’t be like that. It’ll be fun. Together we’ll take down these two chumps, we’ll sweep through War Games. You might be the champion but I’m the captain, I’m in charge. You’ll do well to listen to what I ask of you, as a friend, and you’ll get to keep that belt… for now.
Evan looks lustfully at the championship for a moment, which visibly irritates the Champion. Ward notices the reaction and just smiles.
Evan Ward: I’ll see you in the ring, dude, it’s going to be an awesome match.
Ward happily leaves the angered World Champion, as he whispers to his championship and we cut to our first commercial break of the evening.
GIMME WHAT I WANT
We come back from commercial to find Xander Azula standing by backstage…no Eternal Circle crew flanking him, just the Head Disciple himself and a microphone in hand, raising it to his face to speak before being interrupted by what can best be described as a mixed crowd reaction, since this is NOT the Best Arena. The reaction catches Xander off guard for a moment, before finally speaking up for the first time tonight.
Xander Azula: Welcome to War Games season. People are coming out of the woodwork for it…leaving retirement behind, looking to fill the shoes of their predecessors, or even coming back from the clutches of Death itself.
Notable chants for Evan Ward, Zach Kostoff, and Scottywood as appropriate interrupt the Fighter for a brief moment, but he presses on all the same.
Xander Azula: The road to War Games is paved with blood, sweat, and tears…and I haven’t forgotten my own contribution the past couple years. I took a firm stance against it before, and found myself dragged into it kicking and screaming…so this year, I’m taking a hard pivot and making myself open for business!
This gets a cheer from those who have been in favor of Azula up to this point, before the Fighter continues with a smirk forming on his face.
Xander Azula: I don’t care who I gotta beat the living hell out of to get my spot. I don’t care what team I may get drafted to. I will do whatever it takes to finally stamp MY name into the upper echelon of High Octane Wrestling. Bring it on, Lee…send me your Hall of Famers, your resurrected Hardcore Artists, whoever the hell you think is gonna stop me from taking what’s rightfully mine…and watch me make a fool out of them all. See you next week.
With that, Xander storms off as we cut away to ringside for the next match!
THE FINAL ALLIANCE VS. JPD AND DARIN ZION
Back live and inside the arena “UNDEAD” by Hollywood Undead hits, and the Enterprise Center in St. Louis, the heart of MVW country explodes with a chorus of boos as Evan Ward steps out through the curtain followed by the World Heavyweight Champion.
Benny Newell: HAHAHA! THE ALLIANCE IS HERE! How good does Evan Ward look in #97RED, Joe?
Joe Hoffman: Well I mean…
Benny Newell: Look at him, and look at America. What a team. What a legendary tandem. This is one of the best days of my life. I’m so excited. Listen to this crowd… even these screaming MVW poors are even showing some respect.
Joe Hoffman: I don’t think ‘Die! Chris! Die!’ chants are loving…
Benny Newell: I assume they are talking about Zion’s middle name or something.
The two Hall of Famers make their way to the ring, America enters and refuses to give up the World Heavyweight Championship until after his opponents get to the ring.
“Hail To The King” by Avenged Sevenfold hits and for the first time, probably ever, the crowd explodes with cheers. Jace steps through the curtain, with Zion following behind him. Jace poses with the title as Zion sprints in front of him to get in front of the camera.
Benny Newell: Welp Joe, even with my favorite HOW superstar, and his Hall of Fame partner, and with all the history I have with Jace Parker Davidson… I still can’t watch this. Even if I wanted to stick around and watch this, my contract clearly states I am not to commentate ANY moment Zion is in the ring. So I’ll be heading to catering for a snack and NOT to place a very healthy live bet on Zion getting his ass kicked.
Joe Hoffman: So unprofessional Benny.
Benny smirks and shrugs as he opens up the High Octane Gambling app on his IPHONE 97.
Zion and Jace make their way to the ring, as Benny vanishes from the announce table. They hop up into the ring. America insists on holding the World Championship until after Jace gives up the LSD Title. The men have brief discussions, until America slaps Ward on the shoulder, pointing to the center of the ring and stepping through the ropes to the outside. Ward turns and sees Zion in the ring with Jace on the outside.
Joe Hoffman: And here we go… looks like PWA tag team specialist Darin Zion is going to be starting it off for he and Jace, and Evan Ward is going to get some rust off starting off for The Final Alliance.
Zion comes in for a lock up but Ward shifts underneath Zion’s outstretched arms, and right away kicks Zion in the back of the calf. Following it up with a left hook to the midsection. Zion doubles over, and Ward swings his leg forward trying to capitalize on Zion’s positioning but Zion forward rolls out of the way. In one motion coming out of the roll, Zion throws himself against the ropes and comes back at Ward. The Hall of Famer ducks under a clothesline attempt and goes to the ropes on his own. Zion comes back across the ring and gets smacked with a flying forearm to the mouth.
Joe Hoffman: Evan Ward starting off fast for The Alliance!
Zion is frustrated as he gets to his feet just after Evan Ward. He walks over to Jace and tags in the LSD Champion. Ward walks towards America to switch as well but America waves him off. Ward turns around right into a right hand from Jace Parker Davidson that drives him back into the corner. The one-eyed pirate king LSD Champion comes into the corner with another right, and another right, and another right.
Joe Hoffman: Jace Parker Davidson is on fire here!
Jace drives a knee into Ward’s midsection, once, twice, and finally America slaps Ward on the back, tagging himself in. He grabs Jace by the head and drops off the apron, sending Jace’s neck ricocheting off of the ropes. Jace stumbles backwards, taking a knee and holding his neck as America confidently strolls up the steps and through the ropes.
Joe Hoffman: The World Heavyweight Champion and the LSD Champion are about to get it on! Right in the middle of the ring!
Jace gets to his feet and snarls at America, who immediately turns around and tags in a still recovering Evan Ward. Ward grimaces and steps back through the ropes. Jace is on him right as he comes through the ropes, smashing Ward with a right hand, and sending him across the ring with a hard irish whip. Jace follows it up, splashing Ward in the corner. Ward is rocked as Jace fires off a right hand to the face, and a follow up knee to the stomach. Zion asks for a tag and Jace shakes his head, waiving Zion off.
Joe Hoffman: Jace is taking matters into his own hands this evening.
Jace fires a right hand, and Ward finally manages to block it. He whips Jace around and throws him into the corner. Ward tees off with a knee to the midsection, then another, before rolling Jace away from Zion. Ward leaps up to the top rope and springs off with a springboard moonsault. He comes down on Jace’s chest, Ward rolls to his feet and looks back to his corner at Christopher America yelling for Ward to tag him in. Ward waves him off, as Jace Parker Davidson makes it to a knee, clutching his ribs. Ward leans into the far ropes, and comes back with a low dropkick that catches Jace across the mouth. Ward hooks Jace’s leg and Boettcher slides in to count the pinfall.
Matt Boettcher: 1!
Matt Boettcher: 2!
Jace kicks out emphatically at two. Ward is back to his feet quickly, and drags Jace up to his feet with him. Ward grabs Jace in a front face lock, but Jace fires off an elbow to Ward’s midsection, then another, then another. Ward drops the front face lock, and Jace grabs one of his own, whipping Ward over his head with a snap suplex.
Joe Hoffman: I can’t believe Benny is missing this….
Jace and Ward are both breathing heavy on the mat, before slowly stumbling up to their feet. Ward and Jace meet each other in the center of the ring, both throwing right hands. Back and forth, one after another, before Jace finally gets the better of Ward and sends him stumbling backwards. Jace follows him in and whips Ward around, but Ward spins and smashes Jace across the head with a roundhouse kick. It’s Jace’s turn to stumble backwards and he reaches out and begrudgingly tags Zion in. America tags himself in off of Ward’s back and cuts Zion off in the middle of the ring with a huge discus elbow.
Joe Hoffman: Great elbow from the World Champion there! Absolutely took him clean off his feet!
Zion gets back to his feet quickly but the World Heavyweight Champion is there to kick Zion in the side of the head as he tries to get his legs under him. Zion still manages to get to his feet, but is stumbling. America follows him, grabbing him by the side of the head and planting him in the center of the ring with a DDT. America hooks Zion’s leg and Matt Boettcher comes in for the cover.
Matt Boettcher: 1!
Matt Boettcher: 2!
Zion kicks out and America is right back to work. He drives a knee into the side of Zion’s head, he smashes him with a second one. He flips Zion over onto his back, and locks in a very patriotic Boston Crab. America is smiling and nodding to the fans as Zion struggles against the Boston crab. Zion starts trying to drag himself to his corner. It’s slow going as the World Champion keeps yanking back on Zion’s legs. Zion is army crawling though, slowly but surely. Crawling to his corner, his face in a permanent grimace. America, realizing what is happening, takes a step backwards and really lays into the crab.
Joe Hoffman: He’s going to snap Zion in half.
Zion keeps struggling forward though, and just as he throws himself forward to make it to his corner and Jace Parker Davidson’s outstretched hand, Evan Ward yanks Jace down off the apron, and throws him into the barricade.
Joe Hoffman: The Evan Ward I know would have never done that. It HURTS to see this Hall of Famer acting this way.
Zion reaches out though and manages to get his hands onto the bottom rope. Boettcher has to count America off of Zion, getting to four and a half before America decides to drop the hold. On the outside, Ward slams Jace as hard as he can into the steel steps, before hopping up onto the apron and walking his way back around to his corner.
Joe Hoffman: Zion’s still hurting pretty bad in the ring.
America bends down and pulls Zion up to his feet. He tries to grab Zion around the waist but Zion shoves him away, stumbling off to a different corner holding his back. America comes after him, but Zion manages to hit him with a right hand, then another right hand. America is shocked and Zion just keeps throwing. Zion grabs America and whips him across the ring into the corner. Zion lets out a roar and runs across the ring, but Evan Ward comes through the ropes and catches Zion across the side of the head with a knee.
Joe Hoffman: 3rd Generation Award Winning Knee! ZION IS DOWN! ZION IS DOWN!
America, who had tucked his chin low in self defense looks up and instead of Zion bearing down, he sees Zion thrown across the canvas like he was hit by a car. America smirks, and takes a moment to collect himself. Ward has his hand out looking for the tag, but America waves him off walking to the center of the ring and pulling Zion up to his feet.
Joe Hoffman: What does the World Champion have planned here…
America tosses Zion up onto his shoulder and walks to the center of the ring. He spins around to show each side of the arena Zion’s unconscious body draped over his shoulder, before finally turning towards Zion’s corner dropping down and planting Zion into the canvas like America would plant the American Flag. Zion hits the canvas like he was hit by a taser, before going limp in the center of the ring. America presses his hands on Zion’s chest as Boettcher comes over for the count.
Matt Boettcher: 1!
Matt Boettcher: 2!
Matt Boettcher: 3!
DING DING DING
Bryan McVay: Winners of the match in 16 minutes and 31 seconds…..THE FINAL ALLIIIIIIIAAAAANNNNNCCCEEEEE!!!!
Joe Hoffman: Huge win for The Alliance this evening as our World Champion gets the pinfall. Great inring return for War Games Captain Evan Ward as well…….the boys in the back need to rally together if they want even a glimmer of hope against this group that Lee has put together.
Undead hits as the timekeeper brings America his World Heavyweight Championship. He cradles it like a lover in his arms, and then pulls it tight to his chest as if the time apart had almost killed him as we head elsewhere.
Back live and the HOV comes to life and we see a plush 70s-style talk show set, tastefully decorated with antiques and fine linens. Two chairs are positioned in the center, turned slightly toward one another.
In the right chair sits Michael Oliver Best in a beige turtleneck and charcoal suit pants. In the left chair, a shirtless-and-heavily-oiled STRonk Godson, Final Alliance letterman jacket slung over one shoulder.
MOB stares into the camera, sporting an arrogant smile.
MOB: Welcome everyone to the first episode of STRONK Talk! I am Michael Oliver Best, and the man seated to my right is none other than the King of Stallions, STRonk Godson.
STRonk never looks at the camera, instead maintaining a tense, strained, red-faced grimace while staring off set at nothing in particular.
STRonk: WE caLL IT THE PLACE TO BE.
Michael Oliver Best clicks the pen in his hand and taps it on the armrest of the chair.
MOB: That is another potential name for the show, yes.
MOB: I’d like to take this time to address a matter that demands addressing. Jace Parker Davidson—you whiny little brat, you cry and you moan about being tossed out of the cool kids club, and having your best buddy snatched away from you in a violent betrayal. It’s giving me a headache, pal. It’s giving STRonk a headache.
STRonk: ALwaYS. SKull PAin is CONstANT.
MOB: You hear that, Jace? You’re giving Mister Godson a migraine.
MOB shakes his head disapprovingly.
MOB: You think we can’t make your life a lawsuit bukkake over this Stronkumms nonsense? You are not the majority shareholder, Jace; STRonk is. I’ve seen the paperwork, as ramshackle as it may be, and we are prepared to push you out. STRonk has a renewed vigour—you can see it in his eyes.
The camera zooms in on STRonk’s strained, sweaty face, eyes bloodshot and looking on the verge of popping straight out of his head.
MOB: That man savours life and wishes to once again helm the business he founded. You will not stand in his way. The Final Alliance will use the Stronkumms brand to indoctrinate the youth of today and loyal HOW fans of tomorrow.
STRonk: TheRE IS NO toMorrow.
MOB: But Jace, STRonk still very much wants to hurt you. He tells me about it all the time. How he will crush your skull, rip out your spleen, collapse your lungs, break your brain, y’know, that sorta stuff. And so he wishes to issue a challenge. Don’t worry—he doesn’t want your LSD Championship, not at the moment. All he wants is to face you, one-on-one, free of any pesky rules that might stifle his violent creativity.
MOB reaches behind the chair and pulls out a large watercolour painting. It looks like the work of a disturbed and dangerous mind but also admittedly decent finger-painter.
Michael Oliver Best holds it up to the camera.
It shows a crudely painted scene of a wrestling ring, a ridiculously proportioned ladder, and a few janky rectangles hovering above it all.
MOB: The last time Mister Godson was in a ladder match a rung snapped and he lost the very same title you now possess. A weak piece of metal prematurely ended his glorious championship reign. STRonk thinks about it a lot. And he drew this picture earlier today. I found him staring at it, transfixed. Mister Godson, would you like to tell the fine folks watching at home what you told me?
STRonk: STRonK KILLS the COWard JaCE ParKer DaVIDSon wITH CONstrUCTion EQUIPment WRAPped In BARBedWIRE ANd THEN cliMBs UP and TAKES BACK full CONtrol OF STRonk’s AFFORDABle MEAT busINess.
MOB: Very well articulated, Mister Godson. That was very coherent.
MOB reaches out and pats STRonk on the knee, before turning back to face the camera.
MOB: Jace, we want you in a barbed wire ladder match with full ownership of Stronkumms on the line. We don’t care when, we don’t care what city it happens in, and we, I repeat, DO NOT want your belt. We just want you.
Michael Oliver Best takes a breath, shooting a sideways glance at STRonk.
MOB: And we’re willing to put the company that affords you the luxury of disease-tested mid-market whores over pathetically trolling Twitter looking for anything slightly resembling tits and gash—we’re willing to lay it on the line.
STRonk: LAY IT on THE LINE. ALL of IT.
MOB: We’ll make sure the ladder is reinforced. We’ll get the ownership papers drawn up. We’ll source the barbedwire from a local farm or whatever. All you have to do… is accept.
Suddenly DOG runs on set, first nipping at MOB’s expensive Italian loafers, before hopping up into STRonk’s lap.
While scratching DOG’s head, STRonk continues to gaze off set, sweat now pouring down from the top of his head as he sits there intensely vibrating.
STRonk: ACCept THe CHALLENGE anD FACE ThE CONseQUENCES of YOUR ACTIONS. YOU will BLEEd anD WHIMper LIKE A femALE HUMan FOR WHAT YOU hAVe DoNE. YOU WILL SUFFER.
The camera shifts back to MOB.
MOB: Until the next episode of STRONK Talk—
STRonk: PLACE TO be.
MOB: —Right. Until next time, likely whenever we remember we did this and drag this set out of storage… this has been Michael Oliver Best… with STRonk Godson.
STRonk flexes, holding DOG above his head.
As the scene fades out we head to commercial break.
NO LIES DETECTED
The show returns from commercial to backstage where we find Blaire Moise standing with Evan Ward, visibly worn from his earlier match.
Blaire Moise: Welcome back, folks, I’ve got a very special interview for you all now. Giving his first interview since his shock return at March 2 Glory, it is my pleasure to introduce Evan Ward. Evan, thank you for joining me, especially after such a gruelling match before the break. How are you feeling?
Evan Ward: I’m ecstatic, Blaire, just fucking brilliant. I get to be here, talking to to you after wrestling such a competitive and exciting match for the games and I couldn’t think of a more beautiful face to be talking to.
Evan smiles charismatically at Blaire, who sneers at him but before she can make a scathing remark about being hit on Evan interrupts.
Evan Ward: That was sarcasm, you slag. Look at you, so fucking full of yourself, expecting all these slack jawed nerds on the roster to be salivating to get into your pants so you can finally feel what it’s like to be in control when you tell them to fuck off. Seriously, you think I’m happy to be here, talking to you of all people?
Blaire goes to speak again but Evan raises a sharp hand and shushes her.
Evan Ward: Shut it. I’ve just been through a hell of a fucking match and you have the gall to ask me how I am? Jace and Zion, the shithead nerds that they are, are still champion tier wrestlers and I commend their valiant effort but we all knew they were never going to win. What me and America did to those bastards is just a taste of what’s to come at War Games. Jace, Zion, just fucking try to get a revenge, I’ve got an Award Winning Knee with your names on it. Humble yourselves before me, beg for your lives and I might just convince the boss to let you on my War Games team. Maybe…
Blaire Moise: Speaking of War Games, what are your thoughts about Charles de Lacy beating Zach Kostoff at the start of the show to earn a spot in the big match?
Evan Ward: Congratulations, I guess? Dude won a match, well fucking done. He won a spot but that’s all he’s won. Whether he ends up on my team, Solex’s team or that fucker Byrd’s team, he’s just cannon fodder. Another grunt on the battlefield to wear down the opposition while being taken out by the other grunts. The only thing which matters to me is, if he ends up on my team, that he can be a good little grunt and follow my orders to the letter. If he’s on my team, he has just one job, to help me win the damn match, even if it means taking a bullet for. If he doesn’t, if he puts his own goals above mine, then he might as well be on a different team for all I care, he’ll feel my wrath as much as the opposing teams.
Blaire Moise: And what do you think about having to face a fellow Final Alliance member captaining another team at War Games?
Evan Ward: I don’t give a shit, Blaire, not a single solitary shit. Other than my good old friend Chris, I’ve got no loyalty to any of them. I thought I made it absolutely clear last week that I’m in this for myself. It’s no secret. As long as I can get what I want out of it, I’m playing nice with the Final Alliance. Right now our interests align, I want to destroy nerds and win War Games, exactly the same as what Lee wants from the Alliance. I’ll pay my dues to the boss as thanks but let’s make this absolutely fucking clear… I’m no one’s lackey.
Blaire Moise: But what about the attacks you’ve helped them make on the roster? Why did you do that if you weren’t following orders?
Evan Ward: Beating down the nerd herd? You kidding me? Why wouldn’t I do that? Beating the snot out of them is fun! If Lee hadn’t organised that party at the end of Chaos last week, damn, Blaire, I was going to do it myself anyway. They all got what was coming to them and they’ll get far more over the next weeks, I’ll tell you that. Hell, it might happen sooner than you think.
Evan stalks off without saying anything more. Blaire turns to the camera.
Blaire Moise: Okay then, I guess that’s the end of the interview then. For a guy who talks so much he says so little… Anyway, now it’s time to go back to ringside as we prepare for the next match. Joe, Benny, over to you.
The camera cuts away from the interviewer and back to the arena.
BRIAN HOLLYWOOD VS. BOBBINETTE CAREY
Back live from commercial and we are already seeing Brian Hollywood in the ring. Hollywood’s name card appears on the screen as the arena lights go black.
“Tell you you’re the greatest
but once you turn they hate us!”
A magenta spot light it’s entrance as the Queen of Epicness herself is already standing there waiting for the light. Bobbinette Carey makes her way down the ramp. Wearing a miss America style crown. She stands at the top of the ramp with her pink and black leopard gear.
“Oh the misery everybody wants to be my enemy!”
DING! DING! DING!
Bryan McVay: The following contest is scheduled for one fall…introducing Brian Hollywood’s opponent—frooooom Parma Heights, Ohio
The HOV plays a black and white video package. (We see the clip of her smashing a photo over Mario Maurako; another clip of her hitting Mario with the defib pads, then the most striking image of Bobbinette standing over Scottywood and slapping him.)
Joe Hoffman: And it looks like I’m alone again for this match—something about the scent of Hollywood reminds him of Zion was Benny’s reason for not partaking in this match…..who knows for sure though.
She steps up the ring steps and wipes her feet on the apron before getting in the center of the ring.
Joe Hoffman: Carey’s ready for this War Games Qualifier—she’s calm, cool, and collected. Meanwhile Hollywood’s in the ring, jumping around all frantic. Hollywood’s desperate for this win. After all, apparently he never gets any chances to get booked on the PPV. It has been his entire mission during this War Games build to make the card.
“Spare the sympathy, everybody wants to be my enemy, but I’m ready.”
She stands in the center as magenta pink and mauve pyrotechnics explode from the turnbuckle as she does a ballerina style exaggerated curtsy. Hortega slides into the ring and McVay gets out of the way. Carey slides under the ropes. But before she can get into the center of the ring, Hollywood’s already charging towards her.
Joe Hoffman: Hollywood’s going for the Executive Decree right out the gates….
Joe Hoffman: OOOOOOH! That’s gotta hurt. If I was a cussin’ man—I’d be dropping a few F-BOMBs right here after that splat-tacular failure. Bobbinette Carey ducks as Hollywood’s big jumping kick finishing move, only to connect tail bone first into the turnbuckle. That’s a bold strategy…let’s see if it pays off for him.
Hortega refuses to check on Hollywood and motions for the bell to start off the contest.
DING! DING! DING! DING!
Carey wastes no time, yanking Hollywood off the ground. Hurling the former HOW World Champion over her head – Carey shows off her impressive strength right out the gates with a Belly to Belly suplex. Hollywood lands hard and screams out in pain.
Carey hoists the Executive One right up, straight from the ground, landing a Powerbomb. Following through, she hits an epic sit down powerbomb and goes for the cover.
Joe Hoffman: Carey just released the pin. She’s on a mission here tonight to prove how worthy she is for the War Games draft. After last year’s fiasco—The Queen of Epicness is showing her worth to all those male War Games captains tonight.
Carey stands up, watching on while Hollywood squirm back to his feet. Hollywood limps towards Carey. He grapples Carey, but instead of getting any control—Hollywood ‘s cajones get a stiff, ugly punch straight from Carey. Hollywood rolls on the floor while Carey simply points and laughs.
Joe Hoffman: Carey’s back to her usual form after the resurrection of Scottywood. She’s wasting no time by exploiting male fragility of Hollywood right before our eyes.
Hollywood slams the mat, completely frustrated he’s getting taken to task. As he’s rolling around trying to regain control—Carey quickly nails a stiff looking eye gouge—causing Hollywood to grab his eyes. Carey’s fingernails cut a portion of Hollywood’s face—causing the man to bleed slightly from the face.
Joe Hoffman: Jace had worse than this Hollywood….come on! Collect yourself and…
Joe Hoffman: Nevermind, the Queen of Epicness folded him in half with that Spear. Hollywood’s ribs took some brunt trauma there. Hortega’s checking on him to make sure he can still breath.
The sadistic laughter of Carey echoes through the Enterprise Center. The crowd boos her as she gloats. Carey tosses Hollywood into the turnbuckle—Hollywood’s hip nails the steel so hard—you can tell something’s off. Carey wastes no time nailing a few turnbuckle thrusts on the weakened HOW Champion. Carey once again tosses Hollywood over her head—a sick thud from the Belly to Belly Suplex echoes.
Joe Hoffman: Carey’s followed that up with a few shots to the gut—and locking Hollywood into the Cattle Mutilation. She’s twisting and contorting the Los Angeles native….
Hollywood’s inches away from tapping, but Carey releases the hold, scolding all the males in the St. Louis crowd. The Queen of Epicness flings Hollywood’s lifeless body against the ropes—nailing a huuuuuuuuuge Royal Pain Lariat that causes Hollywood to flip hard, landing on his neck. Carey’s perverted magenta smile lights up—she’s climbing up for the Epic Ending.
Joe Hoffman: CAREY DIVES………
Joe Hoffman: And she connects BIG TIME!!! EPIC ENDING FOR THE WIN….wait?! WHAT?!
Carey doesn’t follow through with the usual hook of the leg. She’s out to establish dominance over her male victim. Carey gets back to her feet, stomps Hollywood straight in the chest for good measure and Hortega makes the count.
DING! DING! DING! DING!
Bryan McVay: Here is your winner in 5 minutes, 39 seconds……BOBBBBBBBBIIINNNETTTTE CAAAAAAAAREY!!!!!!!
Hortega tries to raise Carey’s hand in the air, but she pulls back. Climbing to the turnbuckle—she cackles at the state she left former HOW World Champion Brian Hollywood.
Joe Hoffman: Carey crushes Hollywood’s PPV dreams—and probably all the other bones in his body after that dominant display. Hopefully after the HOW medics are done with him—Brian’s long-lost brother can recognize him. Hopefully, Hollywood can collect himself and go back to the drawing board. Otherwise—he’s missing another PPV after THAT performance tonight…
Carey screams from a distance at Hoffman to recognize her.
Joe Hoffman: Ummm…….…let’s all give a round of applause for tonight’s winner and qualifier Bobbinette Carey. She’s punched her ticket to War Games and joins Charles de Lacy, who defeated her last week, as qualifiers for the War Games draft. The Magenta Mauler, the Queen of Epicness is celebrating her win in STYLE!
Carey continues to taunt the crowd as the scene fades out to a quick commercial break.
Coming back from the commercial break, we go backstage inside the Enterprise Center in St. Louis. The clicking of heels can be heard across the floor as a cameraman can be seen filming the entire thing. The cameraman keeps up with HOW Hall of Fame interviewer Blaire Moise who finally stops in front of a locker room door. Blaire reaches up and knocks on the door with her free hand.
Blaire Moise: He’s got to be in here.
Blaire mutters under her breath as she waits a few moments. The door begins to open and on the other side of it stands the mountain of a human being known as STRONKETTE. She stares down at Blaire with a less-than-pleasant look on her face.
Blaire Moise: I want to get a few words with the LSD Champion, is he in here?
STRONKETTE answers Blaire’s question by threateningly folding her arms over her chest. Blaire begins to realize her efforts might lead nowhere until The LSD Champion’s voice rings out from inside the locker room.
Davidson: Let her in.
STRONKETTE turns her head to look inside the locker room. The LSD Champion gives her a knowing nod before STRONKETTE turns her head back to look down at Blaire. STRONKETTE lets out an agitated huff and then steps aside to allow Blaire and the cameraman to enter the locker room.
Jace can be seen sitting on a black leather couch inside the locker room. He’s still in his ring gear from earlier and has the ICON Championship belt laying across his lap. The LSD Championship belt is laying over his right shoulder. He holds an ice pack to the back of his neck with his free hand.
Blaire Moise: That was a wild match out there earlier tonight, can you tell us what happened?
Davidson: What happened? You saw what happened!
Jace moves the ice pack around on the back of his neck as he cuts his eyes over at Blaire.
Davidson: I went out there like a man against all the odds and in the end? Surprise, surprise, Darin Zion loses the match for our ‘team.’ The so-called #2 ranked wrestler in HOW got his ass handed to him in the middle of the ring just like everyone knew that he would.
Blaire Moise: Are you suggesting that Darin Zion didn’t put up that good of a fight in your match?
Davidson: What I’m saying is what I’ve always said. Darin Zion’s very best isn’t good enough to hang with the cream of the crop on the HOW roster. We all saw it right before our eyes earlier tonight in the middle of that ring. All the catchphrases and new t-shirts in the world isn’t a fucking replacement for talent.
Blaire Moise: Do you think that the reason for the loss is possible because you and Zion didn’t gel as a team, as well as Ward and America, did?
Davidson: Are you trying to say that this is my fault, Blaire?
Davidson moves the ice pack off his neck as Blaire goes to respond. However, Jace interrupts her.
Davidson: If winning that match meant that I had to deal with Darin Zion and all of his stupid bullshit then fuck yeah I’ll take that loss. I’m a professional wrestler, I am a Champion, I am one of the best to ever step foot in this company and what is Zion? Some underachiever who dreams big and sticks their foot in their mouth on a daily basis, that’s who he is. Darin Zion daydreams about being as good as I am. I walk into this place week after week and put in the work to make it a reality.
Blaire Moise: Darin Zion always shows up week in and week out.
Davidson: And what does he have to show for it? NOTHING! The man wasted his time all week going to a couples therapy session he KNEW I wouldn’t attend. He blathered on and on about how I’ve only suffered a piece of what he has against Lee Best. Really dipshit? Did Lee Best take your eye? Did Lee Best make you defend your title…
Jace pauses and then smirks.
Davidson: Oops sorry, you don’t have a title. You haven’t had a title in a fucking long time. I’ve won four of them, fucking FOUR of them since I’ve come back to HOW. We aren’t a rivalry, we aren’t friends, and we don’t share the same common enemy. Lee Best might have given you an ultimatum to prove yourself, but that’s because you’ve done FUCK ALL in HOW for a long time. Title shot, after title shot all wasted and squandered in true Zion fashion.
Blaire Moise: He has a chance to rectify that next week on Chaos.
Davidson: Oh yes, all a part of the Zion masterplan, right? Lose the match earlier tonight then do the impossible and walk away the new LSD Champion next week? Please, Zion’s never stood a chance against me unless it was when I’ve been punished or I’m on my way out to the door to join another promotion. He thinks that he’s evolved as a wrestler? Maybe if he pulled his head out of his as he’d realize the only evolution he knows about involves Pokemon.
Jace grabs a hold of the LSD Championship and holds it into the air in front of the camera.
Davidson: I don’t care what the stipulation is, I don’t care how many members of The Final Alliance try and screw me. If you want this belt? You’re going to have to step up in… where the fuck are we next week?
Blaire Moise: Tulsa, Oklahoma.
Davidson: Jesus fucking Christ, what a shithole. Anyway, you’re going to have to step up in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and take it from me the old-fashioned way. By being a better wrestler than I am, history has proven time and time again that you’re not capable of such a feat. All the fucking fake Love in the world isn’t going to change your fate, Darin. Next week you’ll end up just like you did this week. Flat on your back, looking up at the lights, and wondering what other title belt you can go and say it’s been your dream to win.
Jace lowers the title belt as Blaire asks one final question.
Blaire Moise: Are you at all worried about another assault from The Final Alliance after what happened last week?
Davidson: Worried? No, I’m not worried about it because I will stand my ground and fight no matter what the odds are. They can dunk me in a toilet, pee on my head, and throw me in the dumpster. Whatever it is that their little boy’s club thinks is cool this week. The fact remains I am still the LSD Champion, I’m still going to War Games, and I’m still coming after Lee Best. Everything other than that is trivial. Now if you’ll excuse me. I’m tired of being interviewed.
Jace waves his head dismissively before placing the ice pack back on his neck. STRONKETTE makes sure that Blaire and the cameraman leave the locker room. However, before the door can be shut, Blaire sticks her heel in the way and looks at Davidson.
Blaire Moise: What about the challenge that Michael Oliver Best and STRonk Godson laid out earlier tonight?!
Davidson rises up to his feet and approaches the door.
Davidson: What CHALLENGE?
Blaire Moise: A challenge to face Godson in a ladder match…
Davidson: For my LSD Championship belt?
Blaire Moise: For control of the STRONKUMMS brand. MOB says you aren’t the real majority shareholder and Godson wants his company back. Do you accept?!
Jace’s good eye widens and he just stands their dumbfounded for a moment trying to process the information just revealed to him. The LSD Champion lowers his head and speaks in a low tone.
Davidson: …Absolutely not.
Jace places his hand on the locker room door and slams it shut in Blaire’s face as we shift elsewhere in the building.
MIDDLE FINGER IN THE AIR
We cut to the HOV as it comes to life and takes us to… the United Kingdom?
The Scene: Inside the Turf Pub in Wrexham, Wales.
It’s late in the evening and the night is winding down. The camera walks through the pub towards a table in the corner.
Of course, since Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhenney are in town, most assume the camera is taping footage for the ‘Welcome to Wrexham’ show for FX.
But it’s not.
The camera focuses on and moves toward the table.
Joe Bergman: Well hello everyone!
The majority of the crowd in the Enterprise Center pop when they see Joe sitting at the table. Of course, there are those who are diehard HOW/Lee Best supporters who boo the appearance of Bergman on the HOV.
Joe Bergman: So I thought I’d take a couple minutes out of celebrating with my fellow Wrexham supporters over Wrexham’s smashing three-nil win over York City earlier today to let everyone know how I’m doing and when I expect to return to the States.
The crowd is still buzzing and over the moon about the win earlier in the day.
Joe Bergman: I’m sure there are those who think I’m still SALTY about what went down at March to Glory when I lost the HOTv title to Dan Ryan. Well, here’s the truth. I’m not. Dan Ryan didn’t beat one on one for the title… Dan didn’t even PIN me for the title. It took THREE men to get the HOTv title off me. So, congratulations Dan for teaming up with Leisure Suit Larry… I mean… Jatt Starr and Scott ‘shocked, I am, shocked that Lee Best has forsaken me’ Stevens-
A rousing version of ‘Wrexham is the Name’ breaks out so the camera moves really tight on Joe as the vociferous singing makes it hard for him to be heard.
Joe Bergman: Love that song… okay… hold on one second.
(sings with the others):
“Fearless in Devotion
Rising to Promotion
Rising to the ranks of mighty heroes
Fighting foes in every land
“History only tells a story
We are to see your glory
Stand aside the Reds are coming
WREXHAM IS THE NAME!”
Joe takes a drink from a glass of Wrexham Lager. He’s got an unopened bottle of Aviation Gin… the official gin of Wrexham AFC… in the pocket of his Wrexham AFC jacket.
Joe Bergman: So, I guess the question on everyone’s mind is… when is Joe Bergman coming back? My answer is… I don’t know. I’m having way too much fun going to UK wrestling shows… traveling and touring the UK… and going to Wrexham football matches right now. Plus, what exactly am I coming back to?
He takes another sip from his Wrexham Lager.
Joe Bergman: So let’s get to it. War Games, right? Three captains and we’re drafting teams this year. Well, let’s see who the captains are. Steve Solex. Um… no. Steve, I’ve worked with you twice and I was underwhelmed both times. I bought the bullshit you were peddling when the Highwaymen were being formed and… no. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. First off, there’s no chance in hell Steve Solex will pick me. BUT Steve… if you do, let me make this clear… I extend my UK stay even longer if you draft me. Steve, don’t pick me. Next, Evan Ward. Evan’s an interesting story. When he returned to HOW to reform Ground Zero, he was still the good guy and I thought it would be interesting teaming up with him.
Joe shakes his head.
Joe Bergman: Obviously, that’s not happening now since Evan has decided to join the Final Alliance. So again, Evan, you don’t want to choose me for your War Games team because if you do… I’ll be extending my stay here. Clay Byrd. The sad cowboy of HOW. Clay, I enjoyed my time working with you in the Highwaymen. Who knew that Steve Solex would be the anchor to drag the rest of us down with him? Clay, if you pick me for your War Games team… I’m willing to say there’s a pretty good chance I would return… but only if you stop being a sad cowboy and get back to the ass-kicking machine you are. So to summarize… Evan Ward- no… Steve Solex- hell, no… Clay Byrd- probably.
He takes one last sip of his Wrexham Lager.
Joe Bergman: So Lee, I’m sure it’s really pissing you off that I’m sitting here in a legendary pub in Wrexham instead of being cannon fodder for your… what did R.G. Jenkins say… oh, yeah… your “little clique of a self-serving alliance you push at the expense of the other people on the roster” aka The Final Alliance aka “your little band of self-fellating syncopaths stroking their fragile egos and doing your ‘dirty’ work.” Congratulations Lee. You got one over on me at March to Glory in that joke of a match. But I’m still here the UK and not there which I’m sure pisses you off so…
He fiddles with his cell phone and pulls up something from YouTube. Joe then holds up the phone to the camera and turns it sideways for a bigger picture.
Joe Bergman: …here you go.
(Last Night’s Missouri Valley Wrestling-Evansville, Indiana House Show)
Adam Ellis is in the ring with Joe’s manager Sunny O’Callahan and ‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson.
Adam Ellis: Now if you like that kind of thing, then HOW is definitely the wrestling company for you… …but, what I saw on last week’s Chaos was a disgrace. A bunch of over-aged ‘men’ banding together, trying to relive their college fraternity days, complete with wearing matching varsity letter jackets and hazing other wrestlers… I mean… giving out swirlies and peeing on the plebes… wonderful.
Adam shakes his head.
Adam Ellis: Lee, I just want to say this… thank you.
Adam Ellis: Thank you for confirming that I want to be a pro wrestler.
Adam Ellis: Thank you for confirming I DON’T want to be a sports entertainer.
Adam Ellis: And thank you for confirming that I made the right decision to sign with PRIME.
Adam Ellis: I hope the Alabama Gang tears your Final Alliance a new one tomorrow night.
Joe Bergman: One reason I stayed here an extra week was I was certain that there was going to be some sort of really futile and stupid gesture done on the Final Alliance’s part and I was right. But Adam, your promo had a little more panache to the presentation and had a little more sizzle to it. Good job. But anywho… it’s just about closing time and tomorrow’s another fun day. Oh and R.G. Jenkins and Mark Hendry… good luck tonight against The Final Alliance. Oh and Lee…
Joe extends his middle from his right hand.
Joe Bergman: Evil Empire OUT!
The HOV fades out to commercial as the fans in attendance pop for Bergman giving the GOD of HOW the middle finger.
THE FINAL ALLIANCE VS. THE ALABAMA GANG
Back live and the fans in attendance, almost all have stayed in loyalty to MVW, turn their attention towards the HOV as it is time for the HOTv Tag Team Championship match to be broadcasted live from the MVW show in Paducah Kentucky.
Joe Hoffman: Welcome back everyone…including you Benny. It is time for our main event- the HOTv Tag Team title match between the champions-
Benny Newell: Soon to be ex-champions.
Joe Hoffman: …The Alabama Gang from Missouri Valley Wrestling and the challengers-
Benny Newell: Soon to be champions.
Joe Hoffman: Dan Ryan and Jatt Starr from the Final Alliance.
Benny Newell: I can’t believe Lee Best let Ray McAvay BULLY him into having this match at some third-world shit hole in Kentucky.
Joe Hoffman: Well Benny, it seems the folks down in Paducah, Kentucky heard what you just said. Also, Lee agreed to this but then tried to have it changed to the Enterprise Center in St. Louis. Ray McAvay and MVW refused and that’s why the match will be in Paducah tonight.
Benny Newell: Whatever. McAvay bullied Lee into having the match down the holler. This match should be at a real arena that has actual indoor plumbing. Not some shack that holds three hundred people and outdoor bathroom facilities.
Joe Hoffman: There are three thousand people at the show there. And I’m sure there are adequate modern bathroom facilities there.
Benny Newell: Ugh… I can’t even talk about it anymore. MVW is a bunch of bullies. That’s why they are the Evil Empire.
Joe Hoffman: Well, it looks like we are about ready for the introductions. This is MVW’s Heather Cooper-
In the ring stands a leggy brunette with lots of hair containing lots of hairspray and a microphone…
Benny Newell: She’s no Bryan McVay. He’s a Hall of Famer. She’s a trollop MVW picked up off the street corner.
…and since she can hear what Benny is saying, she rolls her eyes but remains professional and rises above it.
Heather Cooper: Ladies and gentlemen. This match will be one fall…
Heather Cooper: …and it will be for the HOTv TAG TEAM TITLES!
Heather Cooper: Introducing the challengers…
Both Dan Ryan and Jatt Starr emerge from the back.
Heather Cooper (spoken in the most unenthusiastic voice ever): From Havre, Montana… Jatt Starr.
The lights do not dim. The ramp does not light up. No spotlights. Nothing.
Heather Cooper: And from Houston, Texas… Dan Ryan.
And no music, lights, or anything for Dan Ryan either.
Benny Newell: That’s it?
Joe Hoffman: That’s what?
Benny Newell: What kind of third-rate wrestling show is this? Where’s the lights? Where’s the music? Where’s EVERYTHING?
Joe Hoffman: I don’t know.
Benny Newell: It’s bad enough that Ray McAvay bullied Lee Best to get this match here… he’s bullied two great… generational wrestlers by making them get dressed in a pop-up camper outside the arena. Now, this?
Starr walks up the ring steps sporting his black and red checkered suit. The Ruler of Jattlantis demands referee Davey Keels open the ropes for him.
Keels flips him off.
Benny Newell: It’s EVIL, I tell you. EVIL carny bullshit.
The Jattlantic City Idol is forced to climb through the ropes without any outside aid and enters the ring. He takes a knee and outstretches his arms as if he is bathing in the red glow like Andy Dufresne during a rainstorm after escaping Shawshank.
Ryan also makes it to the ring, then stops and looks out into the crowd once again, soaking in the negative reaction with no expression. He dashes into the ropes, bounces off and sprints to a turnbuckle, step-climbing up and then roaring into the crowd and settling into a snarling stare out at the masses.
Heather’s disposition perks up.
Heather Cooper: AND THEIR OPPONENTS…
Pause for a beat.
The lights go dark.
Benny Newell: Great. And these idiots can’t even afford to pay their electric bill?
A techno-styled keyboard bass rhythm starts pumping through the sound system getting the Paducah crowd to start clapping their hands.
Joe Hoffman: There’s your music.
Next- sampled vocals from the chorus of M’s classic “Pop Muzik” and a light show begins.
Joe Hoffman: There’s your light show.
Next- a “divebombing-jet” guitar sound… an eerie-whine that comes in and tails off.
Benny Newell: What the hell?
Another divebombing guitar sound follows with a sampled snippet of M singing “Pop pop pop pop pop pop pop muzik’
Benny Newell: WHAT THE TOTAL FUCK IS THIS FUCKERY? THESE IDIOTS GET A FULL-BLOWN ENTRANCE?
Joe Hoffman: Benny…
Full stop. And then…
“Lookin’ for to save my, save my soul…”
…the music kicks back in following Bono singing the opening lyrics of the U2 song “Mofo”.
The 3,000 fans inside the Carson Convention Center go berserk as a spotlight shines on Ray McAvay who’s wearing a cowboy hat tonight while marching out from the back.
Walking with him to his left is Charlie Blackwell- the owner of Texas Championship Wrestling… also wearing a cowboy hat.
On the right is the diminutive ‘Corporate Predator and CEO of Jill Berg Enterprises,’ the phenomenon known as… Jill Berg- the owner of Appalachian Mountain Championship Wrestling.
“Lookin’ in the places where no flowers grow…”
Behind McAvay is Sunny O’Callahan. She holds up a full bottle of Southern Comfort as she marches toward the ring.
“Lookin’ for to fill that God-shaped hole…”
Behind O’Callahan- R.G. Jenkins. He’s holding up one of the HOTv Tag Team title belts.
“Mother, mother-suckin’ rock ‘n roll… (Mother)”
And bringing up the rear? Mark Hendry. He’s wearing a boxer-type robe with the hood up over his head and the other HOTv Tag Title around his waist.
Hendry shadow boxes at the end of the procession while it makes its way down the aisles, zig-zagging towards the ring with wrestlers from MVW, TCW, and AMCW lined up on both sides, escorting the Alabama Gang to the ring in the manner of a grand entrance for a big-time prize fight.
Joe Hoffman: Well now. It looks like the Alabama Gang is recreating the opening from U2’s 1997-1998 Pop Mart tour.
“Holy dunc, space junk comin’ in for the splash… (been around the front, been around the back)”
Benny Newell: Huh?
Joe Hoffman: Yes. I’ve pulled it up right here on Wikipedia. Consisting of four legs and a total of 93 shows, the tour took the band to stadiums worldwide from April 1997 to March 1998.
“White dopes on punk staring into the flash… (been around the front, been around the back)”
Joe Hoffman: PopMart was elaborately staged, featured a lavish set, and saw the band embrace an ironic and self-mocking image. It grossed over… one hundred and seventy-one million dollars.
“Lookin’ for the baby Jesus under the trash… (been around the front, been around the back)”
We can hear Benny sputtering now…
Benny Newell: YOU MEAN DAN RYAN AND JATT STARR GET NOTHING… NOTHING?
“Mother, mother-suckin’ rock ‘n roll… (Mother)”
Benny Newell: AND THESE TWO CLOWNS… NOBODIES…. GET THIS FULL-BLOWN FUCKING PRODUCTION FOR THEIR ENTRANCE?
“Mother, mother-suckin’ rock ‘n ROLL!… (Mother)”
Joe Hoffman: I seem to remember when Lee Best refused to allow The Highwaymen to come out to their regular entrances and took away their music.
Benny Newell: BLASPHEMY! Lee would never be that petty!
Joe Hoffman: Uh huh. Right.
Benny Newell: LEE BEST DOES NOT HAVE A PETTY BONE IN HIS BODY!
Jenkins and Hendry roll into the ring.
Heather Cooper (voice much more animated and excited): LAYYYYY-DEES AND GENTLEMEN. HAILING FROM THE GREAT TOWNS OF MONROEVILLE AND ENTERPRISE, ALABAMA! WEIGHING IN TONIGHT AT A COMBINED WEIGHT OF 472 POUNDS…
Jenkins goes for the nearest turnbuckle. Hendry shadowboxes in the center of the ring.
Heather Cooper: …AND ACCOMPANIED TO THE RING BY SUNNY O’CALLAHAN…
Sunny takes a swig from a bottle of Southern Comfort and sways on stage. She’s dressed in the fashion of a female background singer from a late seventies Southern rock band wearing a spaghetti strap top, a pair of jeans, heels. and her hair is all frizzed out and curly.
Heather Cooper (nearly shouting): THEY ARE THE HOTv TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS… R.G. JENKINS… MARK HENDRY… THE! ALABAMA! GANG!
Benny Newell: THESE PEOPLE ARE EVIL, HOFF-HOLE! EVIL AND PETTY. PETTY AND EVIL EVIL EVIL…
Joe Hoffman: Benny…
Benny Newell: EVIL EMPIRE! ARE… EVIL. I hope Dan Ryan and Jatt Starr rescue the HOTv Tag Team title belts from this carny promotion and bring them back to where they belong!
Joe Hoffman: I’m sure Ray McAvay appreciates you saying that.
Benny Newell: EVIL EMPIRE! HE’S THE EVIL EMPIRE.
Joe Hoffman: All right. While MVW referee Davey Keels-
Benny Newell: EVIL EMPIRE!
Joe Hoffman: …is doing the pre-match check on both teams, this is where we will hand off this match to Missouri Valley Wrestling’s broadcast team, Thunderbolt Smith and ‘Long Haul’ Rick Hall, who are in Paducah, Kentucky tonight.
Benny Newell: WHOA WHOA WHOA… we’re handing off a HOW main event match to two scrubs… to the ‘B-team’… much less, the B-team from the Evil Fucking Empire?
Joe Hoffman: Yes.
Benny Newell: WHY?
Joe Hoffman: That was the arrangement agreed to with MVW Owner Ray McAvay-
Benny Newell: RAY McAVAY BULLIED LEE INTO THIS, TOO. EVIL EMPIRE EVIL EMPIRE… EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EV-
Cut to MVW’s broadcast table.
The tone of voice is more calm.
Thunderbolt Smith: And welcome to a sold-out Carson Convention Center for tonight’s main event as The Alabama Gang defend the HOTv Tag Team title against The Final Alliance. I am Thunderbolt Smith…
Keels finishes up the pre-match checks and gives the timekeeper a thumb’s up.
Thunderbolt Smith: …he is ‘Long Haul’ Rick Hall and we’ll be bringing you tonight’s match between the HOTv Tag Team Champions The Alabama Gang and the challengers… Dan Ryan and Jatt Starr representing the Final Alliance from HOW. Rick, your thoughts on this HOTv Tag Team Title match?
Rick Hall: Thunderbolt, I think the Alabama Gang have got a tough road to travel here tonight. There’s no doubt that Dan Ryan and Jatt Starr are definitely a huge step up in competition from what they are used to. However, we have a packed house tonight in Paducah, Kentucky and three thousand people who are solidly behind R.G. Jenkins and Mark Hendry. As we all know, once that bell rings… anything can happen.
Thunderbolt Smith: Thanks Rick. It looks like it will be R.G. Jenkins starting out the match for the champions and Jatt Starr for the challengers.
Thunderbolt Smith:. There’s the bell and this match is under- HERE WE GO! THEY’RE NOT WAITING!
Jatt AND Dan sprint across the ring from one side- Jenkins and Hendry rush forward from the opposite side.
Thunderbolt Smith: ALL FOUR MEN IN THE RING AND THEY ARE GOING AT IT!
Jenkins drops down and drives his shoulder into Jatt’s belly towards the corner turnbuckle. Ryan and Hendry exchange heavy right hand bombs and no one is giving any ground.
Rick Hall: DAN RYAN AND MARK HENDRY SLUG IT OUT ON ONE SIDE. R.G. JENKINS AND JATT STARR ARE FIGHTING ON THE OTHER.
Thunderbolt Smith: Hendry drives lefts and rights into Ryan who tries to tie him up. Ryan knees Hendry in the gut! Now he slams him hard into the corner turnbuckle!
Hendry staggers and grabs the top rope.
Thunderbolt Smith: Jenkins and Starr are on the deck. They’re rolling around… throwing punches… rolling around…
Rick Hall: I wondered how both teams were going to approach this match. As soon as the bell sounded both teams rushed to the center and let fly.
Thunderbolt Smith: Dan Ryan has Mark Hendry down in the corner and he stomps away at him… one… two… three… four… five… six… seven.
Jenkins has both hands around the throat of the Rembrandt of Wrestling and is trying to throttle him.
Thunderbolt Smith: JENKINS IS CHOKING OUT JATT STARR… DAVEY KEELS STARTS A FIVE COUNT!
Ryan runs in and drives a knee to Hendry’s face.
Jatt pokes Jenkins in the eyes and tries to get away from him.
Rick Hall: The Final Alliance better heed the referee. He won’t hesitate to count either team out-
Thunderbolt Smith: Both teams need to heed referee Davey Keels.
Ryan backs away – hands in the air – back to his corner.
Thunderbolt Smith: And if Dan Ryan heard us talking, he breaks it off and climbs out of the ring.
Rick Hall: Hendry rolls under the ropes and he’s going to try and regroup.
Thunderbolt Smith: And that leaves R.G. Jenkins and Jatt Starr. They will start the match.
R.G. Jenkins takes a couple steps forward. Jatt Starr stays in his corner. The crowd is roaring.
FUCK ‘EM UP R.G., FUCK ‘EM UP! (CLAP-CLAP)
FUCK ‘EM UP R.G., FUCK ‘EM UP! (CLAP-CLAP)
Wry smile from R.G.
FUCK ‘EM UP R.G., FUCK ‘EM UP! (CLAP-CLAP)
FUCK ‘EM UP R.G., FUCK ‘EM UP! (CLAP-CLAP)
R.G. takes one step forward.
Thunderbolt Smith: R.G. is ready.
Jatt turns around and steps through the ropes to the apron.
Thunderbolt Smith: But Jatt Starr is not.
Starr decides to get one last piece of advice from Ryan so while he confers with Dan Ryan, R.G. stews in his corner. This goes on for a few seconds before Jatt turns back to Jenkins and tentatively steps through the ropes to return.
FUCK ‘EM UP R.G., FUCK ‘EM UP! (CLAP-CLAP)
FUCK ‘EM UP R.G., FUCK ‘EM UP! (CLAP-CLAP)
Thunderbolt Smith: Jatt Starr back in. Jenkins hits the ropes and he’s coming forward…
Starr sticks his body through the ropes.
Thunderbolt Smith: …and Jatt steps out again. Referee Davey Keels has no choice but to step in.
Rick Hall: But Keels starts a five count.
Thunderbolt Smith: One… two… three… four…
The Duke of Jattmandu reluctantly steps on foot back into the ring.
Thunderbolt Smith: Starr demands Keels back Jenkins up to the opposite corner so he can get back in.
Keels does and Starr returns.
R.G.’S GONNA KILL YOU
R.G’S GONNA KILL YOU
Ryan shakes his head derisively towards at the crowd. He’s less than impressed.
Thunderbolt Smith: Looks like this time is for real. They circle. Lock up in the middle- KNEE TO THE GROIN BY JATT STARR!
Jenkins is bent over.
Thunderbolt Smith: Jatt takes Jenkins over to his corner and tags in Dan Ryan.
Ryan steps in and starts opening with rights
Thunderbolt Smith: BIG punches by Dan Ryan. Keels behind him and admonishes Ryan for the closed fist.
Rick Hall: That’s not going to stop him.
Ryan lets go.
Thunderbolt Smith: Ryan steps back as Davey Keels tells him to break when he says to break. Will Dan Ryan listen?
Ryan starts wailing away on Jenkins again with a closed fist.
Rick Hall: No.
Keels starts another five count…
FI- Ryan steps away at the last possible moment. He goes over and gets in Keels’s face.
Thunderbolt Smith: JATT STARR’S CHOKING R.G. JENKINS IN THE CORNER.
Rick Hall: While Dan Ryan has referee Davey Keels distracted, Jatt Starr is trying to choke the life out of R.G. Jenkins. Hendry’s going nuts in the corner.
Hendry starts to climb over the ropes. Ryan alerts Keels.
Thunderbolt Smith: Now Keels is talking with Hendry while Ryan and Starr double up on Jenkins.
Hendry is furious and tries to get past Keels.
Thunderbolt Smith: Ryan pounds right hands into Jenkins’s midsection while Jatt Starr continues to choke him out.
Keels basically tells Hendry to get out of the ring.
Rick Hall: Mark’s got to keep his cool here.
Hendry steps through the ropes back to the apron and then gets an earful from Sunny O’Callahan who tells him to ‘think.’. Keels turns back around.
Thunderbolt Smith: Keels sees Dan Ryan working R.G. Jenkins over in the corner.
Rick Hall: Jatt was smart enough to step back before Keels saw what he was doing.
Ryan bends down and rams his shoulder into Jenkins.
Thunderbolt Smith: Ryan with a shoulder… and again… and again.
Jenkins grabs on to the top rope to keep him on his feet.
Thunderbolt Smith: Dan Ryan steps back. He runs in. BOOM. Running clothesline!
This time, Jenkins’s legs give out and he falls to the mat.
Thunderbolt Smith: Ryan covers…
Thunderbolt Smith: Jenkins gets the shoulder up.
Thunderbolt Smith: And Jatt Starr tags back in.
Rick Hall: R.G. Jenkins is in the wrong part of town. He’s got to get out of that corner and soon.
Thunderbolt Smith: Oooh. Knee to the groin by Starr and that doubles R.G. over. Starr takes him by the head and brings him out.
Jatt lifts Jenkins up and brings him down on his bent knee.
Thunderbolt Smith: MANJATTAN DROP!
Jenkins topples over.
Thunderbolt Smith: Starr for the win.
Thunderbolt Smith: NO! Jenkins just gets a shoulder off the mat. He reaches around Jenkins…
Starr lifts Jenkins up and over.
Thunderbolt Smith: JATTLANTIAN SUPLEX!
Rick Hall: R.G.’s trying to crawl to his corner but Jatt takes him by the leg and brings him over to Dan Ryan.
Jatt tags Ryan back in.
Thunderbolt Smith: Now Dan Ryan with the elbow drop. He hits another one.
Rick Hall: Hendry’s screaming at R.G. to make the tag.
Thunderbolt Smith: And a third. Now he takes an armbar.
Ryan’s on a knee with Jenkins’s right arm trapped.
Thunderbolt Smith: Ryan pulls on that arm.
Jenkins thrashes back and forth trying to relieve the pressure.
Rick Hall: Starr and Ryan are going to isolate R.G. Jenkins as long as they can-
Thunderbolt Smith: Hendry in the ring!
Keels immediately intercepts him and tells him to get out.
Thunderbolt Smith: Keels is right there telling Hendry he must leave.
Rick Hall: And that leaves Jenkins completely helpless to fight back against two men.
Thunderbolt Smith: Starr in the ring… double team Irish Whip to the ropes… BIG BOOT BY DAN RYAN!
Jenkins pirouettes and falls to the mat.
Thunderbolt Smith: Ryan covers… but Keels is still talking to Mark Hendry.
The Sultan of SeaJattle tries to get Keels’s attention.
Thunderbolt Smith: Keels sees the pinfall.
Thunderbolt Smith: Shoulder up again by Jenkins.
Rick Hall: Hendry arguing with Keels may have saved Jenkins on that one. That was a nasty boot to the face by Dan Ryan.
Hendry turns to the fans and urges them to get behind The Alabama Gang.
Thunderbolt Smith: Jenkins still in a lot of trouble here as Ryan drags him back to his corner and Jatt Starr tags back in.
Ryan dismisses the fans.
Rick Hall: This is what I was afraid of. Dan Ryan and Jatt Starr wrestle at the very top of the pro wrestling pyramid. They are used to heavy duty, high pressure matches like this and it’s no accident they are completely dismantling R.G. Jenkins right now.
Thunderbolt Smith: STARRABIAN LEG-SWEEP AND DOWN GOES JENKINS AGAIN.
Rick Hall: Jenkins has taken a lot of punishment. He has got to tag out.
Hendry stretches his arm out as far as he can go.
Thunderbolt Smith: Jatt rolls him over.
Thunderbolt Smith: AGAIN. R.G. Jenkins manages to get a shoulder up.
R.G. tries to sit up and move toward his corner.
Rick Hall: Jenkins won’t go down without a fight. But he’s GOT to tag Hendry in.
Now supremely confident, Jatt takes his time in going back over to Jenkins.
Thunderbolt Smith: Jatt Starr in complete control here. He’s just measuring Jenkins as he gets back to his feet.
Jenkins does get back to a vertical base.
Thunderbolt Smith: Jatt goes low!
Jenkins bends over and falls back a couple steps.
Thunderbolt Smith: Somehow, R.G. Jenkins is still standing.
Rick Hall: Not for long, here he comes.
The Thane of Starrkarth runs forward and drives into the air with his legs.
Thunderbolt Smith: STARRLITE EXPRESS-NO HE MISSED!
Thunderbolt Smith: OH MY! JATT WENT FOR THE STARRLITE EXPRESS… MISSED AND HIT THE CORNER RINGPOST!
Rick Hall: First off, after all the punishment he’s taken in this match, how did R.G. Jenkins have the presence of mind to get out of the way. Second, Jatt’s in a neutral corner away from Dan Ryan as well. Can Jenkins get to Mark Hendry and tag out?
Thunderbolt Smith: The crowd is URGING R.G. Jenkins on!
Jenkins crawls on hands and knees toward Hendry.
Thunderbolt Smith: Can he make it to his cornerrrrrrrrr…
Jenkins with one final dive… *SLAP*
Thunderbolt Smith: YES!
Thunderbolt Smith: IT’S MARK HENDRY’S TURN. Mark goes over and pulls Starr up. Whips to the ropes… BACK BODY DROP!
Thunderbolt Smith: Again… Starr’s sent to the ropes… ANOTHER BACK BODY DROP!
Rick Hall: Mark Hendry’s on fire!
Thunderbolt Smith: Here comes Dan Ryan! Hendry… SPEAR!
Ryan gets driven back to the ropes.
Thunderbolt Smith: HERE COMES HENDRY… CLOTHESLINE AND DAN RYAN GOES OVER THE TOP ROPE!
Rick Hall: Dan Ryan hit the floor hard.
Thunderbolt Smith: Hendry sends Starr to the ropes again… back body-NO! Starr with a kick… BUT HENDRY CATCHES THE BOOT. HE SPINS STARR AROUND… ATOMIC DROP!
Starr lurches forward and finds himself in the wrong corner.
Thunderbolt Smith: SUNNY O’CALLAHAN JUST SLAPPED JATT STARR IN THE FACE!
Jatt staggers back to Hendry.
Thunderbolt Smith: HENDRY… SPINEBUSTER!
Rick Hall: HENDRY JUST SLAMMED JATT STARR HARD TO THE MAT.
Thunderbolt Smith: COVER!
Keels holds up two fingers.
Thunderbolt Smith: JATT KICKED OUT AT TWO!
Rick Hall: Close. Real close.
Thunderbolt Smith: Hendry going top of the turnbuckle now. He leaps…. SENTON SPLASH!
Hendry rolls over to hook the leg as Keels slides in.
Thunderbolt Smith: JATT KICKED OUT AGAIN!
Rick Hall: R.G. Jenkins is back in the corner and he’s calling for Hendry to tag him in.
Hendry looks at the crowd… then at Jenkins.
Rick Hall: The fans are shouting for Hendry to tag Jenkins back in.
Thunderbolt Smith: Will he do it?
Hendry walks over to his corner and tags Jenkins in.
Thunderbolt Smith: JENKINS BACK IN.
Rick Hall: Dan Ryan’s climbing back onto the apron.
Thunderbolt Smith: Hendry races around the ring! He pulls Ryan down.
Both Hendry and Ryan start throwing hands again.
Thunderbolt Smith: Hendry and Ryan are brawling at ringside!
Ryan grabs Hendry by the throat. Hendry swats his arm away and pops him with right hands. Ryan fires back with rights of his own.
Rick Hall: They’re just loading bombs back and forth on the floor.
Starr lets out a yell.
Thunderbolt Smith: COBRA CLAW!
Thunderbolt Smith: JENKINS HAS THE COBRA CLAW ON JATT STARR!
The crowd jumps to their feet as Jenkins digs his fingers into Starr’s shoulder.
Rick Hall: Thunderbolt, the Cobra Claw is similar to a claw hold. It’s a nerve lock onto the opponent’s shoulder using his hands and fingers and when done right, it inflicts a lot of pain on the victim.
Thunderbolt Smith: R.G. Jenkins has the know-how to do it!
Rick Hall: He’s digging and putting as much pressure as he can on that shoulder.
Starr’s on his knees and must prop himself up with his opposite arm.
Thunderbolt Smith: Starr’s fading.
Jatt calls out for help.
Thunderbolt Smith: Jatt’s trying to get Dan Ryan’s attention but Dan doesn’t hear him.
Rick Hall: Ryan’s in the middle of a hoss battle with Hendry right now on the outside.
Thunderbolt Smith: Jenkins presses down even harder on Starr.
Starr scream out in anguish. Davey Keels bends down and asks Jatt if he quits. Jatt shakes his head no.
Thunderbolt Smith: Jatt doesn’t quit and he calls out for Dan Ryan again.
Rick Hall: Dan’s a little busy at the moment.
Ryan gets the upper hand on the outside. He flings Hendry into the ring post. Ryan sets and starts to rush at Hendry…
Thunderbolt Smith: Davey Keels again asks Jatt if he quits.
Jatt Starr: NOOOO!
…but stops and turns.
Rick Hall: Starr is almost completely down to the mat.
Ryan immediately climbs up onto the apron. But Hendry grabs onto him and won’t let him go.
Thunderbolt Smith: Ryan’s trying to get into the ring.
Rick Hall: Hendry’s got a hold on him and he’s trying to stop Ryan.
Starr is on the mat and his shoulders lie flat.
TW- Jatt immediately gets a shoulder up.
Thunderbolt Smith: Quick two count there as Jatt’s shoulders were flat on the mat.
Rick Hall: Thunderbolt, Jatt’s in big trouble. Dan Ryan can’t get away from Mark Hendry to make the save and Jenkins is sapping what energy Jatt has left with that Cobra Claw.
Sunny O’Callahan jumps on Ryan’s back.
Thunderbolt Smith: Now Sunny O’Callahan is trying to help keep Dan Ryan out of the ring.
Rick Hall: I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Jatt’s shoulders again lie flat on the mat.
Thunderbolt Smith: Another quick two count.
Rick Hall: Jatt’s wearing down. I don’t know how much more he can take-
Thunderbolt Smith: RYAN’S LOOSE!
After turning and kneeing Hendry in the groin., Ryan backs hard into the ring post and scrapes Sunny off.
Thunderbolt Smith: HERE HE COMES!
Ryan up to the apron and starting to climb into the ring.
Jenkins sees Ryan coming and immediately hooks rolls Starr up.
Thunderbolt Smith: NO!
Jenkins now lying flat on his back.
Thunderbolt Smith: RYAN BROKE IT UP!
Ryan stands over Jenkins while The Jattlantic City Idol rolls onto his side.
Thunderbolt Smith: WOW!
Rick Hall: Thunderbolt, Dan Ryan got away from Mark Hendry and, just as Davey Keels was bringing his hand down for the three count, booted Jenkins in the head and broke it up.
Thunderbolt Smith: And Jenkins isn’t moving right now.
Rick Hall: Now Hendry’s on the apron!
Ryan bolts forward and forearms Hendry off the apron.
Thunderbolt Smith: RYAN SENDS HENDRY FLYING INTO THE STEEL BARRICADE! HE’S DOWN TOO.
Rick Hall: Hendry’s left in a crumpled heap by the barricade and Sunny O’Callahan is just starting to come around on the floor.
Thunderbolt Smith: Keels starts a five count on Dan Ryan in the ring.
Rick Hall: I think Dan Ryan may have knocked R.G. Jenkins out.
Thunderbolt Smith: Ryan gets out of the ring at four and he immediately walks around to his corner and screams at Jatt to tag him in.
Jatt hears him and begins to head in that direction.
Thunderbolt Smith: Jatt’s trying to crawl over…
The Grand Overlord of Jatturn uses his one good arm to move him toward the corner. Ryan continues to yell at him.
Thunderbolt Smith: Jatt’s almost there…
Thunderbolt Smith: HE MADE THE TAG!
Ryan over the ropes and goes right over to Jenkins.
Rick Hall: He could probably just pin him.
Thunderbolt Smith: He is.
Thunderbolt Smith: RYAN PULLED HIM UP!
Thunderbolt Smith: He would have had a three count. Why is Dan Ryan thinking by doing that?
Rick Hall: Dan Ryan had this match won. I have no idea why he pulled Jenkins up at the last second!
Thunderbolt Smith: He drags Jenkins up into the… TORTURE RACK- HEADLINER!
Rick Hall: The exclamation point by Dan Ryan and that should do it.
This time, Ryan hooks the legs and Keels is right there.
Thunderbolt Smith: THAT’S IT! NEW CHAMPIONS! NEW CHAMPIONS!
Jatt climbs back into the ring and stumbles over to Ryan as Heather Cooper makes it all official.
Heather Cooper: Your winners at twenty-five minutes and fifty-one seconds… AND THE *NEEEEEEEWWWWW* HOTv TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS… DAN RYAN… JATT STARR… THE FINAL ALLIANCE!!!!!!!
Keels presents Ryan and Starr with the tag belts.
Rick Hall: We said this was going to be a tough one for Jenkins and Hendry and it was. Dan Ryan and Jatt Starr are world-class wrestlers and in the most unfriendly of atmospheres, they overcame it to win the HOTv Tag Team title here tonight-
Thunderbolt Smith: Here comes the MVW locker room!
Lots of pointing, shouting, swearing, and other extracurricular things as the MVW, TCW, and AMCW wrestlers have the ring surrounded.
Thunderbolt Smith: Ryan and Starr may have a problem getting out of here.
Rick Hall: The ring’s surrounded. The new champions may have to fight their way to the back.
But before anything can happen…
Ray McAvay: Nope.
Ray McAvay, Charlie Blackwell, and Jill Berg wade through and jump up onto the apron. The three look down at the wrestlers gathered on the floor.
Ray McAvay: We’re not going to do this.
He turns to Ryan and Starr.
Ray McAvay: Gentlemen, you’re lucky. If I were TRULY the Evil Empire like Lee Best keeps going on about… and if I was actually Lee Best himself, you two wouldn’t be walking out of here tonight. I would have done everything in my power to make sure you didn’t walk out of here with the belts. If I were truly an evil empire, I would have stacked the deck against you and made it damn well impossible for you two to win this match.
No reaction from the new HOTv Tag Team Champions.
Ray McAvay: If I were truly the evil fucking empire, I could prove it right here and now by letting these guys tear you apart and, trust me, after some of the stuff you two were saying about them, I’m positive they would love nothing more to beat the hell out of you.
McAvay pretends to count the number of wrestlers around the ring.
Ray McAvay: The way I’m counting the numbers right now- it’s about seventy-five of them versus two of you and as good as you guys are, you’re not that good.
Ray McAvay: But that’s not how I operate.
Ray McAvay: We’re not going to stoop to that level.
He turns back to the new champions.
Ray McAvay: I promised you’d get a fair shot at the title and you did. I said I wouldn’t put up with shenanigans or any other bullshit taking place in title matches and they didn’t. You won the match fair and square. Period. I’m going to keep my promise because we do pro wrestling here and we don’t do sports entertainment bullshit. You won…
McAvay claps his hands.
Ray McAvay: …congratulations. You were the better wrestlers tonight. Not better sports entertainers… but better wrestlers.
He gestures to the MVW Security who have also come down to the ring.
Ray McAvay: Now escort the new HOTv Tag Team Champions out of the building and make sure NO ONE lays a hand on them.
Both smirking… both holding up the HOTv Tag Team Title belts in the faces of the three thousand fans who are not happy that The Alabama Gang lost, Dan Ryan and Jatt Starr exit the ring and much in the way R.G. Jenkins and Mark Hendry were brought down to the ring, Ryan and Starr are led back up the ramp in a grand procession with MVW’s Security force flanking them on both sides.
Thunderbolt Smith: All right. That’s all from here. It took over twenty-five minutes but we do have NEW HOTv Tag Team Champions and they are Dan Ryan and Jatt Starr of HOW’s Final Alliance. That’s all from Paducah, Kentucky. Back to you, Joe and Benny.
Benny Newell: YEAHHHHHH. FUCK YEAHHHHHHH! WINNER WINNER MOTHERFUCKIN CHICKEN DINNER!!!!!!!!!!
Joe Hoffman: Huge wins tonight for the Final Alliance as they bring home the HOTv Tag Team title in a wild battle against MVW’s Alabama Gang -AND- picked up another big win in the tag match earlier tonight as Evan Ward- making his first appearance in HOW in a couple of years- and HOW World Champion Christopher America defeated the team of Jace Parker Davidson and Darin Zion. Also tonight, Bobbinette Carey qualified for War Games with her win over Brian Hollywood as did newcomer Charles DeLacy with his win over fellow newcomer Zach Kostoff.
Benny Newell: FINAL ALLIANCE TOOK CARE OF BUSINESS TONIGHT AND DEFEATED THE EVIL EMPIRE! FUCKIN’ A!
Joe Hoffman: That’s going to do it. We will see you next time for Chaos 27. Good ni-……..what the heck????
BONUS FOR ST. LOUIS
Suddenly “Stronger on your own” by Disturbed hits the speakers. There’s a muffled microphone sound as Joe and Benny look at each other.
Joe Hoffman: What’s going on?! I thought the show was over, folks, but Brian Hollywood’s music just hit! Benny’s already run off to the bar!
Benny Newell: May it is time for the main event for the St. Louis fans in attendance???
Joe looks at Benny as if he was a mother asking a child “do you know something”.
All of a sudden Brian Hollywood gets thrown onto the stage with enough force to almost send him rolling down the ramp. Out behind him strides the duo of the World Champion, Christopher America, and the War Games captain, Evan Ward. The crowd boo profusely as Brian struggles to his feet, only to get flattened by a clothesline from America.
Joe Hoffman: It’s America and Ward! They’re not content with having winning against Jace and Zion earlier, now they’re beating down Brian Hollywood!
Benny Newell: LIVE ODDS ARE POSTED!!!!!! I JUST BET ON YES FOR BLOOD!!!!!
America strides on ahead down the ramp while Ward picks Hollywood up and drags him down along by his hair. Near the bottom of the ramp Ward whips Hollywood into America, who catches him in an American Suplex, sending the wrestler back first, upside down into the ring apron. Brian had barely landed on his shoulders when Wards feet slam into his face with a baseball slide drop kick. The fans boo wildly as the Final Alliance duo start stomping away on Ward’s former team mate from their days in Ground Zero.
Joe Hoffman: This is just sickening. Stop! He’s out cold already!
Benny Newell: Better than any main event these fucking poors deserved here in St. Louis.
America picks Hollywood up and rolls him into the ring while Ward snaps up two chairs from ringside before sliding into the ring after them, dropping one chair and keeping hold of the other. America slaps Hollywood back to consciousness, he shoves America away and gets to one knee… Only to have Ward step up on it.
Joe Hoffman: OH MY GOD! Evan Ward just used a Third Generation Award Winning Knee to drill that chair into Hollywood’s face!
Benny Newell: I LOVE ME SOME KNEES!!!!
Hollywood’s face is busted wide open, blood gushing from nose, mouth and forehead. Ward poses for the crowd, encouraging their boos while America picks Hollywood up and drag him over to the other chair…
Joe Hoffman: Noooo! No! Planting the Flag! Hollywood’s skull just got drilled into that chair! Someone call security! Call the medics!
Benny Newell: WINNER WINNER FUCKING CHICKEN DINNER…..THANK YOU HOLLYWOOD!!!!
Ward and America stand over the lifeless body of Brian Hollywood, grinning as “Undead” hits the speakers. The show fades to black on the shot of the destroyed wrestler lying in the ring at the feet of the Final Alliance as the St. Louis fans begin to throw garbage into the ring.