SCOTT STEVENS VS. MICHAEL LEE BEST
Joe Hoffman: Welcome everyone to another Sunday Night Chaos. I am Joe Hoffman and as always I am joined by fellow High Octane Hall of Famer…..Benny Newell!
Benny Newell: No time for small talk tonight Joe. The SON is returning, the greatest American story continues in the Main Event and of course we will see if I survive a late night in New Orleans. The sooner this show starts…the sooner it ends. LETS FUCKING GO!!!!!
On cue, the lights dim in the arena, #97RED laser lights flash around the arena a spotlight flashes down on the curtain.
Benny Newell: I can’t wait for the Halleljuah’s to sta…
Just as Benny Newell is about to finish his sentence the MR. WAHL, the 4th Generation Wahl, appears at the top of the entrance ramp. The enormous man has two individuals draped over his shoulders. The lights come up, and a bloodied Scott Stevens, and a bloodied CEO Michael Lee Best are the two individuals.
Benny Newell: Oh… Oh shit…The 4th Wahl is here!!!
Joe Hoffman: I guess we’re not getting a Michael Best entrance today after all…
WAHL stomps down the ramp, with both men. He heaves them both through the cage door. Rick “Even” Stevens is shocked as he stares at the two men, who had just been tossed into the cage. Rick looks at WAHL who simply shrugs his shoulders back. Rick checks on both men and guides Mike to his corner, and gets him seated on the stool. Rick looks back at Stevens, who starts to drag himself across the ring to his own corner. Once Stevens makes it there, Rick calls for the bell.
DING DING DING
Joe Hoffman: Was that smelling salts that Rick was waving under the noses of the two men? I guess that’s the start of round 1?
Benny Newell: Look there are A LOT of things I could say right now…..but ya…let’s just focus on the fight that’s about to start….I doubt it is going to last long anyway.
Mike rises up off of the stool, blood pouring down his face. Stevens pulls himself up using the cage to drag himself to his feet. He stumbles to the center of the octagon and meets The SON in the center of the ring. Mike pulls back and weakly loops a right hand in, but Stevens falls forward grabbing ahold of Mike, and clinching up. The two men stand there, clearly collecting themselves. Rick Stevens let’s the two men collect themselves, before finally splitting them apart.
Joe Hoffman: These two are in pretty rough shape. They both looked like they not only already hit a wall….but went right thru the darn thing.
Benny Newell: You don’t say Joe…I am picking up what you are putting down there Mr. Pun.
Mike reaches back again, but Stevens takes the blow and falls forward to clinch again. Mike snarls at Scott and pushes him off of him. Scott stumbles backwards into the cage siding and grabs ahold. Mike comes forward, grabbing Stevens by the back of the head. He slams Stevens’ head into the mesh of the cage once, then drags his split open forehead down the side of the cage.
Benny Newell: Now we’re getting back to normal!
Joe Hoffman: That gash across Stevens’ forehead is opened up even more now. A lot of blood coming out of that wound.
Mike is ruthless, spinning Stevens around and raining down right hands onto the open wound. Over and over again they crash down, Mike finally satisfied tosses Stevens on the mat. He looks over to Rick, who nods and starts to count.
Stevens makes his way back to his feet, Mike shakes his head, smiling through the blood his bleeding nose has put there. Mike steps in, firing off a kick to Stevens’ side that doubles him over. The CEO takes a step back and fires off another kick, this time aiming for the side of Stevens’ head.
Joe Hoffman: Mike Best got caught!
Stevens catches Mike’s leg, then pushes himself up to his feet and through Mike with a single leg takedown. Scott fires downwards with a right hand, then another, while Mike Best scrambles to put Stevens into a guard and keep the bigger man from passing. Stevens tries to slide his leg up through Mike’s, but Mike is able to fight the attempt off to pass by bringing his foot up and catching Stevens on the hip. He pushes Stevens off of him, but Stevens is able to slide his way out of the butterfly guard and back into a normal guard. Scott looks to posture up but Mike grabs Stevens by the back of the head and pulls it down against his chest.
Benny Newell: Smart fighting by Mike.
The blood from Stevens’ open forehead wound begins to smear across Mike’s chest. Stevens wraps his hands behind Michael’s head, pulls him even tighter to him, and off the ground. He slams him off the mat. Once, twice, then finally is able to pull his head free. Stevens brings down a big elbow strike to Mike’s already busted nose, then swings downwards with a hammer fist. Mike used the opportunity to escape and Stevens’ hand comes up with nothing but canvas. As the two men get up to their feet and begin to pace, the round bell rings.
Joe Hoffman: Finally getting some action in that round, and there at the end Stevens looked to be in control.
Benny Newell: Mike just didn’t like Scott’s peasant blood being all over him. Normally he leaves people in a puddle of blood, not having the Great Salt Lake on his chest in Scott Stevens’ gore.
Mike sits in the corner breathing heavy. He towels his body off with a white ring towel, and tosses it back over the cage, the towel now a shade of pink. Stevens is breathing heavy, and trying to put some pressure on the open wound of his forehead. Rick comes to the center of the ring and calls for the 2nd round.
Joe Hoffman: And our second round has started.
Mike comes out of the corner clearly fed up with Stevens. Stevens comes to the center of the ring, and Mike smashes him with a right hand, Stevens fires back with a left to the body, but Mike is seeing red and drives a jab between Stevens’ eyes. Stevens tries to clinch but Mike finds his stride and moves out of his grasp while delivering a combination to the right side of Stevens’ face. Stevens’ staggers backwards and Mike is already leaping through the air.
Benny Newell: I KNEED A HERO! I KNEED A HERO! It’s been so long since I’ve seen it. The last person I watched get kneed like that barely works here.
Stevens launches backwards from the impact of the knee underneath his jaw. Stevens slumps to the ground while Rick comes over to count.
Joe Hoffman: That knee was vintage Mike Best.
Benny Newell: I didn’t get the entrance I wanted but I still saw Stevens eat a knee.
Stevens starts to stir…
It’s too little too late for Scott Stevens and he slumps back to the canvas.
Rick Stevens calls for the bell as Michael Best falls down on the ground, holding his face.
DING DING DING
Benny Newell: What a gutsy performance from our CEO.
Joe Hoffman: I just hope we never have to see that WAHL guy again.
The scene fades with Mike exiting the ring, with the help of paramedics. He looks at the camera and smiles, mouthing ‘SCOTTY IS NEXT’ as the scene fades.
I’M NOT AN IDIOT
We cut to the backstage area of the Smoothie King Center here in New Orleans. The camera picks up the casually dressed LSD Champion Jace Parker Davidson. He has just arrived and is carrying his bag with him as he made his way through the hallways. Jace is approached by Hall of Fame interviewer Blaire Moise who has her microphone in hand.
Blaire Moise: Jace last week on Chaos you had quite the interaction with your former friend and former business partner STROnk Godson.
Jace growls as he keeps moving but Blaire is keeping pace with him.
Davidson: Interaction? Is that what you call an interaction?!
Blaire Moise: I could call it a lot of things but I’m more interested in what you would call it.
Davidson: Do I really have to spell it out for everyone? I came down to the ring and once again tried to reason with the man that was my friend and business partner before he quote unquote died at Rumble at the Rock. Obviously, as everyone has already seen, it didn’t go the way that I wanted it to.
Blaire Moise: Some would say that you came down to the ring to save a member of the War Games team that you’re on in Scott Stevens.
Davidson: HELL FUCKING NO!
Jace shouts as he continues walking.
Davidson: What I did was toss Stevens’ sorry ass out of the ring so that STROnk and I could talk about our personal business. That has nothing to do with NOT-SO-GREAT Scott. I don’t know what is STROnk’s fascination with Stevens’ fake eye is and nor do I care.
Blaire Moise: Ultimately you and Godson came to blows and you had him set up to hit Bend The Knee but you stopped yourself. Of course that led to Godson wrapping barbed wire around his arms and locking you in Body Dysmorphia. Can you explain what stopped you and also how you are feeling just one week later?
Davidson: What stopped me is that I didn’t want to stomp Godson’s head into oblivion. Maybe that was a bad idea but I don’t care. Whatever brainwashing and manipulation Lee or MOB or anyone else is doing with STROnk doesn’t change the fact that I still consider the man my friend. That might be one-sided AF at the moment but it is what it is. As far as how I am feeling? I’m breathing and able to walk. So, good enough.
Blaire Moise: When do you think that you and STROnk will sett–
Jace interrupts Blaire.
Davidson: STROnk isn’t my focus right now, Blaire. I will cross that bridge when I get there. Right now I have to focus on tonight.
Blaire Moise: Tonight you team with Zach Kostoff to take on Dan Ryan and Jatt Starr with the HOTv World Tag Team Championship belts on the line. You’ve stated this week that you’ll fight in the match but you have no desire to win the title. Care to elaborate?
Davidson: I’m going to go in there tonight and do what I have to do. That means wrestling against both Jatt Starr and Dan Ryan. Both of these men will be in the War Games match so it would be dumb for me not to test myself against them. However…
Jace pauses as he rounds a corner.
Davidson: I’m not an idiot like Darin Zion or Xander Azula. Lee Best can’t just dangle a Championship belt in my face and convince me to put myself in a shitty situation. Zach Kostoff wasn’t good enough to qualify for War Games the first time. Why would I want to chain myself to a walking liability heading into War Games when I’m already the LSD Champion? Thanks but no thanks. I’m only wrestling in the match tonight because we both know what Lee Best would do to me if I didn’t show up tonight.
Blaire Moise: What if young Kostoff takes this match way more seriously than you do? What if there is a situation where he’s in the ring and he’s moments away from winning the titles? Are you going to stop him or…?
Jace stops in front of his locker room door and then turns to face Blaire.
Davidson: I guess we’ll have to wait and see if that happens then, huh?
Jace opens the door and enters the locker room. He shuts it behind him leaving Blaire standing there as we cut away.
JATT AND THE LOCH NETT MONSTER
We see the locker room door marked “Jatt Starr.” A tan feminine hand knocks on the door briskly.
After a few seconds there is another knock, this time slightly more aggressive. The perfectly manicured fingers then start slapping the door with annoyance as finally the Ruler of Jattlantis answers the door. He’s greeted by none other than fellow (albeit far less deserving in his eyes) hall of famer Bobbinette Carey. She shoves past him and walks into his locker room making herself at home on the arm of the couch.
Nettie: I’m not going to attack you. You’re not going to attack me. We need to have a chat.
Jatt Starr: Oh gosh! What a relief! Here I was, shaking in my boots that you, someone who has done all of nothing since her return, would attack me. Come on, Dweebinette! You know darn well that if you laid one of your clawlike talons on me, I’d slap that moustache right off your face.
A look of annoyance I’d already on her face as she uses her hand to imitate his taking.
Nettie: That is the only time you get to disrespect me without consequences. The name is Nettie. We haven’t been formally introduced so ill forgive the ignorance. I do have to ask, did you marry Conor’s mom so you could be called a motherfucker and it was literal?
She looks at her nails then back at him.
Jatt Starr: It’s a happy coincidence. Now, to what do I owe the displeasure of this intrusion?
Nettie: Jatty Jatty boombalatty! Now hear me out. This can work in both of our favors…well actually I really don’t care about what works out for you, I only care about what works out for me.
She crossed her legs sitting forward with her hands on her knee as her face seemed devious.
Nettie: And Conor seems to care about both of us…but what’s he going to do when he finds out that somebody he cared about is taking advantage of his dear sweet old mother?
Nettie: Surely a friend couldn’t have the best intentions If you’ve hid the marriage to his mom…and seeing how he’s on opposite wargames teams.. that would surely upset our gamer friend.
She shakes her index finger as the Mayor of ManJattan cocks an eyebrow.
Nettie: But he doesn’t have to know till after War Games. When he sees two of his dear friends on the opposite team and can’t go full force because of his genuine care and compassion for the both of us.
Her tone sounds innocent as there is a devious look on her face.
Jatt Starr: Natty and I damn well aren’t hiding a damn thing. Maybe if Conor wasn’t so far up your ass he flosses bits of your crap out of his teeth, he’d call his mother. And who says he doesn’t already know? He quite implicitly stated he loved me last week. The words any stepfather worth their salt wants to hear from their stepson! But this isn’t about him, is it, Nessie? You’ve been “splooshing” yourself because you have finally found someone you can manipulate and toy with for your own insidious machinations.
The Jattinum Standard picks up the HOTv Co-World Championship, looks at it for a brief moment, and drapes it over his shoulder.
Jatt Starr: Dan Ryan told me to try to be civil for the sake of the team but…the Jattlantic City Idol can’t do it! I know what you are trying to do, Queen Sasquatch. You have driven a wedge between him and his mother and now that he’s on another War Games team, you’re soiling your britches that when the truth comes out, he’s going to stomp you a like a Goomba, and you won’t be able to claim credit for another War Games win. So, what do you do? You come in here and try to extort me? ME?! THE HOTV CO-WORLD CHAMPION, ONLY TOURNAMENT OF CHAMPIONS WINNER, AND A-LIST HALL OF FAMER??? I think not!
Nettie notices she clearly got under his skin and smirks.
Nettie: Extort is such a strong word…You know what’s missing from that list of accolades Mcjatterson? Multi-War Games winner.
Nettie says putting her hand up in the air as if painting a marquee as the Sheriff of Jattingham rolls his eyes like a teenager being lectured by their parents.
Nettie: I came in peace Jattcosta. With how frequently my variations of my name has come out of your mouth, I was being generous with my offer. I had no intention of using Conor. I actually haven’t bothered with him in a bit.
Jatt Starr: You finished, Nessie? The Sultan of SeaJattle has a Co-World Championship to defend and you are really killing the vibe with your whole….YOU-ness.
She takes a deep breath clapping her hands on her legs as she stands up with a sigh.
Nettie: I was keeping in mind we are supposed to be teammates for War Games. But remember what happens next is on you, Jattaroo. I got a match to get read for. Toodles.
She says exiting the locker room and slamming the door behind her, as she does so, the Thane of Starrkarth throws up a pair of middle fingers and alternates between extending and retracting his arms towards the door whilst singing rather loudly so she can hear him……
Jatt Starr (singing): Go Fu-hu-hu-hu-huuuuuuck Yourseeeeellllllf….and choke on a warthog’s scrooooooooooote!!!
Once finished, the Champion of Jattanooga blows on his middle fingers as a gunslinger would his six shooters and mimicks holstering them as the scene ends.
#7 DARIN ZION VS. #15 BOBBINETTE CAREY
Back from commercial, Hoffman and Newell stand by as the next match is about to begin.
Joe Hoffman: We’re just moments away from our next match as Darin Zion is set to take on Bobbinette Carey. Zion had a rough week a couple weeks ago as he fought Jace Parker Davidson for the LSD Championship but came up just short. There’s nothing for Darin to be ashamed of…..and why are you out here Benny? I thought…
Benny Newell: Regardless of what my contract says….I could NOT pass up the opportunity to call a match between these TWO…..humans? By the way….are you fucking kidding me, Hoffhole? Darin had no shot at beating Jace in that match regardless of how close he may have gotten.
Joe Hoffman: So you’re not denying Zion did well enough to at least cause some worry?
Benny Newell: I’m not going to dignify that with a response cunt.
Joe Hoffman: Fair enough….I am just happy you are out here for this match. Part time Benny does not suit me.
The opening chords of REO Speedwagon’s “Keep On Loving You” hit over the PA system. On the HOV, a giant heart appears to beat to the song.
♫ You should have seen by the look in my eyes, baby
There was somethin’ missin’ ♫
Emerging from the locker room is REAL LOVE Darin Zion, decked out in a pink and purple robe. The words REAL LOVE are printed on the back in sequins. The sequins sparkle in the pink spotlight hitting the smug HOW superstar while he strolls down to the ring. Unphased by the fans heckling him, he swivels his hips, trying to draw the attention of the women. A cocky sneer is painted on his face as he gets down to the end of the entrance ramp.
♫ And I’m gonna keep on lovin’ you
‘Cause it’s the only thing I want to do
I don’t want to sleep, I just want to keep on lovin’ you♫
Bryan McVay: Introducing first…..FROM SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA. REAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL LOOOOOOOOOVE DAAAAAAAAARIN ZIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOON!!!!
Zion throws his robe on the ground, displaying his 8-pack abs. REAL LOVE starts counting them, blowing a kiss to the camera. Sliding into the ring, he poses like a French model, winking to the audience at home. While the bridge finishes, Zion leaps up to his feet. He motions back towards the entrance ramp, taunting his opponent for the evening.
Benny Newell: What a fucking tool.
Joe Hoffman: Zion is looking confident tonight and as he should be. No need to hang your head down after the fight he took to JPD. Zion needs to keep his sights set on the present and ready himself for War Games.
Arena lights go black.
“Tell you you’re the greatest
but once you turn they hate us!”
A magenta spot light it’s entrance as the Queen of Epicness herself is already standing there waiting for the light. Bobbinette Carey makes her way down the ramp. Wearing a miss America style crown. She stands at the top of the ramp with her pink and black leopard gear.
“Oh the misery everybody wants to be my enemy!”
Bryan McVay: And his opponent, from Parma Heights, Ohio, she weighs in at 235 pounds, she is HOW HAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLL OF FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMER BOBINETTE CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAREY!!
The HOV plays a black and white video package. (We see the clip of her smashing a photo over Mario Maurako; another clip of her hitting Mario with the defib pads, then the most striking image of Bobbinette standing over Scottywood and slapping him.)
She steps up the ring steps and wipes her feet on the apron before getting in the center of the ring.
“Spare the sympathy, everybody wants to be my enemy, but I’m ready”
She stands in the center as magenta pink and mauve pyrotechnics explode from the turnbuckle as she does a ballerina style exaggerated curtsy.
Joe Hoffman: Both Zion and Carey look ready to fight here and it’s all about impressing at this point as we inch closer and closer to War Games!
Benny Newell: The only fight Zion has is with his wardrobe team…those colors look absolutely HIDEOUS on him!
Joe looks at Benny for a short moment wondering what the hell he was talking about before shrugging and putting his attention on the match as we’re mere moments away from the bell! Boettcher checks both Zion and Carey for weapons. Bobbinette looks more irritated by it as she wants it known that she doesn’t have to rely on weapons to earn her wins. Finally, Boettcher readies himself in the center of the ring as he calls for the bell!
DING! DING! DING!
Joe Hoffman: Here we go ladies and gentlemen! This match is on!
Benny Newell: Jesus H tap dancing Christ Hoffman, if you’re going to do this the entire match I’ll gonna lose my Lee damn mind!
Zion and Carey begin to circle around each other. The two of them know each other so well, no matter what side of the ring they were in. They lock hands as the two of them start battling to see who has the upper hand here. Carey tries to twist the arm of Darin and she is able to apply that pressure on him as Zion flays from side to side. Zion can’t really break the hold as he grabs his upper shoulder with his freed up arm. He strikes Bobbinette in the arm before breaking the hold and as he does, flips Bobbinette to the mat. However, as he does, Carey kips up much to the surprise of Zion who doesn’t have time to think about a counteroffensive as Carey plows Zion with a spear which is responded with mixed reactions from the crowd. Carey simply plants her foot on the chest of Zion as Boettcher goes for the cover.
Joe Hoffman: Well Carey sure isn’t hiding her feelings here tonight as she gets a quick two count.
Benny Newell: I may not like Carey, but I hate Zion even more so I’ll give my sympathy to her under the circumstances. God I hate how that sounds!
Zion is back to his feet and nods his head towards Carey after that last move sent a message to Zion and Darin knows it, too. The two lock up again, but this time the pace of the match picks up. Zion ricochets Carey to the ropes. She bounces off them as Zion drops to the mat with Carey jumping over him. She comes off the other side and before she can have any shot at blocking, Zion is back to his feet and proceeds to have Carey meet his boot. The gift was well accepted as Zion floors Carey with a missile drop kick. This time it is Zion who attempts the cover.
Joe Hoffman: Bobbinette gets the shoulder up this time.
Benny Newell: Lee damn it! It’s like watching the circus who applied for all the cool licenses and got the Wish version..so hard to watch!
This time it is Carey who nods and acknowledges Zion but attempts to swing at Zion, but Zion ducks. Zion is fired up as he unleashes a running knee that clips Bobbinette perfectly. Zion makes the cover.
Another kick out. Zion reaches down and grabs Bobbinette as he tries to stay on the offensive, but Carey uses her weight to rip Zion down and manages to roll him up into a pin!
Joe Hoffman: WAIT A MINUTE?! WHAT’S THIS?!
Boettcher makes the count.
NO! Zion kicks out!
Benny Newell: Jesus tap…haha, Zion didn’t see that coming!
Joe Hoffman: No he didn’t but it caught him off guard just for a little bit!
Zion learns what does and doesn’t work after Carey got one over on darin. Darin switches things up and shoves Carey long enough that by the time bobbinete gets her bearings back Zion clocks her with a buzzsaw kick.
Joe Hoffman: Did you just hear that?! That kick landed squarely to the temple of Bobbinette and it looks like it hurt!
Benny Newell: I mean this isn’t the first time Carey has been affected by some head in some way or another.
Joe Hoffman: I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that…anyways folks this match would go a long way for both of these competitors when it comes to War Games.
Zion starts releasing a series of flurry shots into the hard hit of bobbinette Carey as he gets passionate and fired up.
Joe Hoffman: Darin took it to the LSD Champion in Jace Parker Davison and gave him all JPD could handle. One could make the argument that Zion should be LSD Champion right now. That’s how close the match was ladies and gentlemen.
Benny Newell: But what happened in the end? Exactly. Zion still came up just short and in the end JPD retained. That fucker Zion has had enough chances. He needs to get his head out of his ass and move on. Doesn’t he have like some sort of stupid condition with how many matches he has on his contract?
Joe Hoffman: That he does but he can’t worry about that right now!
Zion now has the crowd fired up as he jests for Carey to get up. As she does Zion bounces off the toes agai and this time connects with a crossbody. He picks Carey up one more time as he kicks Carey in the midsection and connecting with a snap DDT. Real Love goes for his signature Tough Love and it connects!! Zion still pumping full of adrenaline and goes for the cover.
Joe Hoffman: This could be it right now!!
Carey just gets the shoulder up!!
Joe Hoffman: What a kick out by Carey and Zion thought he had her! He starting to become slowly frustrated and he has to keep his cool.
Benny Newell: I absolutely LOVE when Zion gets angry. Now that’s what I call actual REAL LOVE! Fucking poser!
Zion tries to plead himself to Boettcher but he’s not being very successful. Meanwhile, this allows Bobbinette to pull herself together and actually use the distraction in her favor. She taps Zion on the shoulder and he’s not even ready as Carey doubles Zion over and takes him down with a powerbomb so hard that Zions head bounces off the mat after that shot.
Joe Hoffman: Zion might be concussed there!
Benny Newell: Are we even sure he’s ever recovered from the first one he’s ever had?! You can’t fucking convince me that he still suffers from brain damage after the first one he’s ever had!
Carey looks down at Zion who’s holding his head in pain as he attempts to recover his barrings! Carey sends a couple stomps into Zion as he’s really trying to protect his head from any more unnecessary shots. He’s slow to get up but he does and he’s wobbly. Carey, looking to keep the momentum on her side, comes off the ropes and catches a not ready Zion clobbering him back down.
Joe Hoffman: THE ROYAL PAIN!
Benny Newell: GOOD NIGHT YOU SICK BASTARD!!
Boettcher drops down as Carey covers Zion.
Benny Newell: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!
Zion gets the shoulder up at the last possible moment and Carey is stunned.
Joe Hoffman: What did I tell you earlier Benny? This is War Games season and everyone is gonna be on their A games. Especially Zion who lost a heartbreaker couple weeks ago. I’d say he’s operating just fine since coming out on the other side against JPD in a loss for the LSD Title.
Back in the ring Carey is trying to figure out a way to beat darin as darin has given her a great matchup and a fight to really be proud about. Darin still isn’t sure where he’s at after the shot to the head never got better. Carey see Zion stirring again and she uses one last thing as she comes off the ropes leveling darin.
Joe Hoffman: EPIC ENDING!
Boettcher drops down and begins the count as Zion appears to be out cold.
DING DING DING!
Bryan McVay: Here is your winner…BOBBINETTE CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRREY!!
Joe Hoffman: What a match tonight between these two! Zion may have been on the wrong side of fortune tonight but he can at least hold his head up high in a great attempt and match against Bobbinette Carey tonight which means great win for Carey as she looks to build on her momentum as we get closer to War Games!
Benny Newell: The cunt lost to the other cunt and the cunt that got pinned has a smaller dick than the cunt that did the pinning. Send that summary to the dirtsheets por favor.
Joe can only shake his head as we watch as Bobbinette celebrates in the ring as we cut elsewhere.
THE BEST WRESTLER
The HOV fires up and brings the fans of New Orleans into the middle Welsh pub with a song being sung by the happy patrons inside.
“Fearless in Devotion
Rising to Promotion
Rising to the ranks of mighty heroes
Fighting foes in every land
“History only tells a story
We are to see your glory
Stand aside the Reds are coming
WREXHAM IS THE NAME!”
In the midst of the jubilant crowd, we find…
Joe Bergman: Hello everyone!
Joe Bergman: Welcome to Wrexham… the champions of the National League!
Joe waves to the HOW fans through his Go-Pro.
Joe Bergman: Tonight at the now-world famous Turf pub, we celebrate their promotion back to the Football League after fifteen long years.
He stops to take a celebratory drink from a glass of Wrexham Lager.
Joe Bergman: So, let’s take care of the first order of business… Lee… I’m sorry I have to tell you this but, yes, I will be extending my visit here to the UK for one more week.
Someone bumps into Joe’s arm so the picture through the Go-Pro gets a little wonky for a couple of seconds.
Joe Bergman: So what else shall we talk about tonight? Christopher America aimed a few comments in my direction this week so let’s talk about that, shall we?
The New Orleans crowd reacts negatively to the HOW World Champion.
The crowd at the Turf? Nope, they don’t care a whit about Christopher America. Wrexham is back in the Football League. That’s all they care about.
Joe Bergman: The only reason you won our match last year was because the official ‘Lee Best approved’ referee conveniently looked the other way while you kicked me in the balls. Your so-called ‘win’ is about as tainted as the bodily fluids you’ve been leaving all over the HOW World Title belt.
Joe feigns being grossed out.
Joe Bergman: The only thing you proved that night is Christopher America can’t beat Joe Bergman in a fair fight.
Joe Bergman: All you have to do is go back and see what happened when the HOTv Tag Title match between The Alabama Gang and Dan Ryan and Simon Sparrow when Lee couldn’t stack the deck against the Alabama Gang. MVW owner Ray McAvay stood up to him and called Lee on his bullshit. The match took place at an MVW show. Ryan and Simon won in a very, very close and… very fair… match. McAvay made sure they got a fair shake.
Joe Bergman: But you, Christopher America. You can’t win unless the deck is stacked in your favor.
Joe Bergman: That’s right. Let’s go back to what happened at the the PWA-01 show. No Final Alliance. No Lee Best to tip the balance in your favor. How’d you do against Ivan Stanislav? Oh right… you lost.
Joe Bergman: In the main event on a big stage in front of all five companies in the PWA… you shit the bed because no one was there to bail your ass out.
Joe Bergman: You royally screwed the pooch in a fair fight against a man who’s not even a champion in PRIME. You couldn’t get the job done against Ivan Stanislav because you’re a fraud.
Joe Bergman: And Chris, grown men parading around in varsity jackets calling people nerds because they have the mentality of a prepubescent, acne-covered junior high kid is not pro wrestling. It’s sports entertainment bullshit.
Joe Bergman: That’s right. Christopher America… not only are you a fraud… you’re even worse. You… are a sports entertainer.
Joe Bergman: And since you asked, the reason I’m still here in the UK and not at the show is pretty simple- I’m simply not willing to play the sports entertainment game anymore.
Joe Bergman: That’s right. I don’t do sports entertainment… I do professional wrestling. So call me names… call me a draft dodger… whatever. I’m not going to get sucked into playing Lee’s little game. Nope. Hard pass.
Joe suddenly peeks down at his cell phone. He rolls his eyes when he sees the number that’s come up and puts the phone right back in his pocket.
Joe Bergman: I’ll came back when I’m damn well and ready, but America, when I do return… at War Games… know this much… I’m coming after you.
Joe Bergman: I’m not just coming after you, Chris… I will not only deliver the long, overdue receipt I owe you… by the way, ask Rick Stevens how that went for him… I’m coming for the title.
Joe Bergman: The title belt is not a cheap piece of gold like the sleazy trash Simon Sparrow routinely picks up in bars. In less than a year, you’ve turned the title belt into a gaudy piece of bling… devalued and literally deflowered by whatever the hell it is you’re doing to it behind closed doors.
Joe Bergman: This is the High Octane Wrestling World Title belt we’re talking about here. The symbol… the crown jewel of HOW… to be worn by the best wrestler in HOW… not the best sports entertainer. The belt deserves to be worn by someone who’s willing to treat it with the respect and dignity it deserves.
Joe Bergman: So America, thank you. Thank you for reconfirming why I wanted to become a pro wrestler. Thank you for showing me why I DON’T want to be a sports entertainer. Thank you for giving me purpose… to make sure that YOU do not walk out of War Games as the HOW World Champion. See ya chump.
The feed ends.
The scene shifts to a section of the backstage area here in the Smoothie King Center. Inside one locker room, we find the Forever ICON and current LSD Champion Jace Parker Davidson. Jace is seated on a bench lacing up one of his boots for his match later tonight. Suddenly, the door to the locker room bursts open. Jace shoots up to his feet ready for a fight when he sees the person that has entered the room.
A battered and bloody Scott Stevens.
Davidson: I’m not in the mood and this is not the time, Stevens.
Scott approaches Davidson but holds his hands in the air.
Stevens: Calm down, I’m not here for a fight.
Davidson looks at Stevens with a skeptical look on his face but eventually lowers himself back down onto the bench.
Davidson: Then what the fuck do you want?
Stevens: I know we don’t have the greatest history together but I wanted to let you know something before you go out there tonight.
Jace shakes his head and goes back to lacing up his boot.
Stevens: I also know you’re stubborn as hell, but regardless of whether you like it or not. I got your back out there tonight.
Jace stops and looks up at Stevens like he just grew a second ten-gallon head.
Davidson: Whether I like it or not?
Jace repeated the words hoping that would make more sense a second time.
Davidson: Just take a look at yourself. You got absolutely wrecked out there tonight. You need to worry about yourself more than trying to have my back. Also, I don’t need you to have my back, I’m quite capable of fighting my battles on my own.
Stevens: Look, we’re on the same War Games team and we have a common enemy.
Davidson: Do I look like I give a fuck about any of that? You can go find Fuse and Scottywood and play that rah-rah teamwork bullshit with them. Or you can keep getting into that shitty little HOFC cage and eat knees for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Either way, I don’t fucking care.
Stevens: You’re going to have to step into the cage with Mike too.
Davidson: Let me tell you like I told him. NOT INTERESTED. That goes for HOFC matches, War Games teams, or you, of all people, having my back.
Stevens: Oh, I see.
Stevens chuckled and smirked.
Stevens: You must like getting your ass handed to you by STROnk every other week.
Davidson shot up to his feet and gets nose-to-nose with Stevens.
Davidson: You’re really treading thin ice right now and I honestly don’t have the time or patience to deal with your delusional ass. You can have my back or you could not have my back. All I know is that whatever it is that you do? You better stay out of my fucking way. Or The Final Alliance will be the least of your worries. Are we clear?
Stevens doesn’t respond but just keeps smirking in Davidson’s face.
Davidson: Now get the fuck out of my locker room. I don’t want you bleeding all over it and infecting me with your Lonesome Loser aura.
Stevens: See you out there then, little buddy.
Stevens informs Jace as he taps him on the shoulder before making his way out of the locker room. Davidson snarls as the door closes and we head elsewhere.
O CAPTAIN MY CAPTAIN
We cut back to ringside….
Joe Hoffman: It would seem that we have a somewhat impromptu arrival of Aceldama, who is currently standing in the middle of the ring.
Benny Newell: He is here in solidarity and support of his Final Alliance brothers!
Joe Hoffman: Whatever it is, he does not look happy.
Benny Newell: When has ever looked happy? The only time I have seen that Kraut with a smile on his face is when he is running someone over with a limo! And that was as sadistic a smile as I have ever seen…….and I have met Willem Dafoe.
Standing in the middle of the ring, already holding a microphone in hand is a very irate looking Aceldama, wearing his normal out of ring attire as he is not due to be wrestling this evening. The camera cuts to him and he puts the microphone up to his mouth
Aceldama: Evan Ward, get out here, let’s get this sorted once and for all.
Joe Hoffman: Did my ears hear me correctly? Did Aceldama just call out Evan Ward for a fight this evening!
Benny Newell: Not everything has to be about violence…..maybe he just wants to have a civilised chat and air things out……what the fuck am I talking about? Its Aceldama here, of course he wants to garrot him in the middle of the ring!
Joe Hoffman: Aceldama was attacked in the parking lot two weeks ago and after finding some evidence is adamant that was Evan Ward’s doing.
Benny Newell: Joe, Evan basically goaded him last week about it, of course it was him!
A moment passes and nothing happens, Aceldama begins to pace the ring looking at the entrance but there is no sign of Evan Ward
Aceldama: If you won’t come here to me, I will go back there and find YOU.
Aceldama slides under the ring and proceeds to go up the ramp but is stopped when a sound is heard on the PR system which stops him dead
‘WHAT DO WE WANT?
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?……
Suddenly Evan Ward starts to slowly make his way to the ring entrance, holding a small Welsh dragon statue similar to the one which was sitting beside Aceldama after the assault. Ward drags out a trolley with strobe lights illuminating an 8 foot tall sign reading “Are you ready for Ward Games? Not if you’re epileptic!” The sign had a built in PA system chanting the Ward games chant very loudly on repeat.
Evan Ward: What is Ace? I am VERY busy right now, I’ve got soooo many nerds to tell all about Ward Games and then beat up…
Aceldama: That what you hold in your hand, THAT is what I want to talk about
Evan Ward: What, this old thing? I thought you liked these…. It’s a gift, dude, a gift! Look, I’m sorry I could only get you a cheap plastic Chinese knock off, but do you know how bloody hard it is to get an authentic Welsh dragon over here? They carve them out of leeks, Ace, LEEKS! But, look, it’s got a great feature, you just press the tail and it shouts WARD GAMES! Awesome, right?
Aceldama rolls back into the ring and rolls up his sleeves
Aceldama: Get down here now, enough of this bullshit!
Evan Ward: Woah woah woah……careful who you speak to in that tone! I know there might be a bit of a language barrier, but you know I’m your captain, right? El Capitano, as you say in your native tongue over in France. Look, if you really don’t like this little dragon statue, fine, let’s talk about it. After all, as your captain I want what is best for the team, for the alliance… if you don’t work as a team for me then how will I win Ward Games? I’ve still got the receipt if you want to swap it. Just give me a minute Ace and I will be right with you….
Ward turns around to the trolley and tries shoving it back through the stage entrance, but it gets stuck on the set.
Evan Ward: Piece of shit… What kind of Clyd Byrd looking hack built this stage…
Ward loses his patience and instead gives the trolley a huge yank which sends it careening off the edge of the stage, through a stack of tables and electrical equipment. Ward dusts his hands off and looks smug at a job well done as he makes his way down to the ring. All the while Aceldama is staring him down but Ward pays no attention to him, literally walking down to the ring and smiling and acknowledging members of the crowd who are holding up ‘WAR GAMES’ posters. He tries fixing each of them by spraying a D on it with the dragon, because of course the dragon has a spraycan in its mouth, but he mostly gets the paint over the fans. He gets into the ring but still hasn’t looked at Aceldama as a ‘WARD IS LAME’ chant begins. Ward basks in the chant, either mishearing it or willfully pretending it was something else.
Evan Ward: Hear that, Ace? All the assholes and nerds are ready for Ward Games! They can’t stop chanting about it!
Aceldama has had enough.
Aceldama: Enough of this! Get to explaining.
Evan Ward: Wonderful noise guys, and the posters, they look amazing, it truly will be an Awesome Ward Games in Mexico, truly. I am sorry Ace, but I am just so…..overwhelmed by the support for Ward Games, I feel all my efforts are truly paying off…
The fans boo wildly.
Aceldama: I don’t want to hear about it, I want to know why you attacked me
Evan Ward begins to laugh and point at Aceldama which is only infuriating him even more
Evan Ward: You think it was ME attacked you?? Really? Good one, Ace, good one!
Aceldama: Last week you even mentioned it when you passed me backstage
Evan Ward: Oh that? Dude, dude, I was just being friendly, you know, like a captain should be to his peon- I mean cannon fod- I mean subordinates. I heard you cuddled up to a Welsh dragon after you got the shit best out of you but I’ve got no idea who did it.
Aceldama: What do you mean it was not you? The Welsh dragon?
Evan Ward: It wasn’t me! You caught me on the counter? It wasn’t me. You saw me on the sofa? It wasn’t me. You caught me on camera? It wasn’t me.
Aceldama looks at him confused
Evan Ward: Shaggy? His turn of the century number 1 hit? ………Really? Whatever. What I am saying is, and I’m sure even your vodka-addled Polish brain can understand, is it wasn’t me. Whoever did this attack obviously knew your meatball loving Swedish mind would be led astray by a tatty table decoration and pin it on me, to create tension within our team. Can’t say I blame them, I guess they need every advantage they can get against us at Ward Games, they’re all scared of losing to me… I mean our team. But I can assure you it was not me, I was busy at the time.
Aceldama: If it was not you then who?
Evan Ward: This screams Stevens, but then saying that would be me saying he’s got more in his head than an empty bottle of barbecue sauce, which he most certainly does NOT… so yeah, I don’t know. All I know is it was not me.
Aceldama: Prove it.
Evan Ward: I thought you might say that, so here is something I made a little earlier.
Aceldama looks at him again puzzled
Evan Ward: Blue Peter? It’s a television show in the UK… SERIOUSLY?? I don’t know what sort of unsophisticated people I am dealing with here! Just roll the footage!
The screen comes to live which shows CCTV footage of Evan Ward backstage at the Bok Center walking around a small office room with a headset and microphone speaker attached. The timestamp is timed at the exact moment of Aceldama’s attack, and actually during the footage you can see the EPU guards walk Aceldama down the corridor past to the outside. Ward is speaking to someone and seems a bit irate.
Evan Ward: What do you mean Ward Games is already trademarked? You must be spelling it wrong. Wuh. Ah Ruh. Duh. Guh. Aim. Ssss… What? Stop being an idiot nerd and register my damn trademark! No, YOU need to calm down! Right, I’m coming down there to talk to your manager and introduce him to my knee… where are you? Hawaii?!
The CCTV footage on screen ends and we see Aceldama looking a bit perplexed and somewhat embarrassed, his head is down.
Evan Ward: So you see, couldn’t have been me. I am your CAPTAIN Ace, we are a team, heck we’re pretty much family pretty much, your just the weird cousin who doesn’t visit often and probably has daddy issues…..but your still family DAMMIT!! I am hurt that you think I would do such a thing.
Aceldama: I am sorry to accuse you of this….I will find out who did it
Aceldama goes to walk away and walks past Ward who grabs his arm and begins to laugh.
Evan Ward: Woah woah woah! Where do you think you are going, Ace? You accuse me of trying to ruin my… our, OUR chances of winning Ward Games and then think by saying sorry and walking away that is it? Oh no. I want you to show your respect to me, your captain. Apologise properly, get down on your knees, and kiss my foot.
Aceldama looks at him at first hesitant but then sighs and gets down on his knees and proceeds to lean over to kiss Ward’s foot, but Ward pushes back in disgust.
Evan Ward: Woah man! Have some bloody dignity! Yes I said for you to kiss my foot but I didn’t actually think you would do it! My god, what happened to you in Russia? You’re pathetic. Pretty much a fucking nerd. How about this, after three, repeat after me, O CAPTAIN, MY CAPTAIN
Aceldama just looks at him with a bewildered look
Evan Ward: Dead Poets Society? Really??? Right, team building session, me, you, America, De Lacey we are all going to watch the movie get INSPIRED! So repeat it…..
Aceldama: O Captain My Captain
Evan Ward: Excellent, and don’t you forget that.
Aceldama yet again gets up off his feet and goes to walk past Ward but again Ward puts his hand on Aceldama’s arm, but this time they meet eye to eye
Evan Ward: No, Ace… I don’t think we are done just yet.
The crowd go wild as they believe they about to see the big man violently flatten his captain but instead Ward backs away as does Aceldama and Ward goes back to the microphone
Evan Ward: As a captain I need to show true leadership. I have been fair, I have listened, and I think I have even inspired you to not be such a pussy. But another part of a captain’s job, one I don’t really like, is discipline. you have questioned my very leadership, so you must be punished.
In this instant EPU guards begin to surround the ring and proceed to come inside and grab Aceldama, putting him back to his knees. Evan Ward goes outside the ring and proceeds to go underneath and grab a large broom handle stick and rolls it into the ring before coming back in himself. He picks up the stick and walks over to Aceldama.
Evan Ward: Who am I kidding? This is my favourite part of the job!
He whacks Aceldama across the back with the stick.
Evan Ward: I told you, Ace! I told everyone! Anyone who gets in the way of me winning Ward Games is in for a world of hurt! Anyone on my team doesn’t do as I say gets what’s coming to them!
Ward proceeds to lash again, and again and again, every time looking into the eyes of Aceldama.
Joe Hoffman: Oh my god! Aceldama’s skin looks like it is falling off him with each hit! But he simply sits there and takes it, smiling he’s actually smiling!!
Benny Newell: Hes enjoying it! All this is missing is a ball gag and a safe word!
Ward continues on, shot after shot but Aceldama still proceeds to smile, even laughing. At this stage Charles DeLacy makes his way out to the ring and rolls under it, grabbing the stick from Ward and pointing to Aceldama shouting ‘we are meant to be a team!’. Ward smirks and stops, dropping the stick, raising his hands to DeLacy and as he walks past him he whispers something into his ear and grins as he rolls under the ropes.
Joe Hoffman: DeLacy down to make the save for his War Games team member, stopping him from a beatdown from their own captain.
Benny Newell: What do you think he whispered to him? The safe word?
Joe Hoffman: Whatever it was, I think both Aceldama AND DeLacy know now, Evan Ward is their captain….we will be right back as I am being told we have to take a commercial break.
THE FINAL ALLIANCE VS. #2 JPD AND #15 ZACH KOSTOFF
Back from commercial and the arena dims its lights. A lite blue light shines down on the stage as Jelly Roll “Son Of A Sinner” begins to play through the arena.
Bryan McVay: Our next match is one fall and it is for the HOTv Tag Team Titles! Introducing the challengers…
The lyrics, “I’m a long haired son of sinner” echoes off the walls.
Zach Kostoff makes his onto the stage.
Bryan McVay: From Tampa, Florida and weighing in tonight at 240 pounds… ZACK KOSTOFF!
He slowly makes his way down to the stage.
Joe Hoffman: Young Zach Kostoff coming down to the ring to a mix of cheers and boos. The last time we saw Zach, he was on the wrong end of a loss to Charles De Lacy.
Benny Newell: Kostoff is like his dad… a big giant NERD! He’s on the wrong side of the Final Alliance too.
Zach climbs the stairs, grabs the top rope, and leaps over the top as the lights in the arena go pitch black as the audience is lit up by thousands of lights from phones being held in the air. The HOV lights up as a large skull with a crown on its head appears on the screen.
Bryan McVay: And his tag team partner tonight…
“THE KING… IS HERE!”
The sound of “HAIL TO THE KING” by Avenged Sevenfold blasts from the speaker system.
As the smoke begins to build up on stage, HOW Hall of Famer Jace Parker Davidson makes his way out through the smoke. Jace soaks in the hatred from the fans while covered in gold. The HOW LSD Championship belt is displayed around his waist.
♫Hail to the King
Hail to the one
Kneel to the crown
Stand in the sun
Hail to the King
(Hail, hail, hail)
(The King) ♫
Bryan McVay: …from Denver, Colorado, weighing in tonight at 253 lbs. He is a HOW Hall of Famer. He is the greatest LSD Champion in HOW history. THE KING OF EVERYTHING… JACE! PARKER! DAVIDSON!
♫ There’s a taste of fear (hail, hail, hail)
When the henchmen call (hail, hail, hail)
Iron fist to tame them (hail, hail, hail)
Iron fist to claim it all ♫
Jace begins his walk to the ring.
Joe Hoffman: Once again, no Abdullah Choi and STRONKETTE tonight. JPD is coming to the ring all by himself.
Benny Newell: All hail the Pirate King NERD! How long do you think Jace lasts at ringside tonight. Half the match? Most of the match?
Joe Hoffman: I don’t think JPD has the same issues with Zach Kostoff he had with Scott Stevens.
Benny Newell: Yeah, whatever NERD!
Once at ringside, Jace slowly makes his way up the steel ring steps and then slowly walks along the ring apron. Jace leans back against the ropes facing the crowd then lifts his Championship belt into the air as pyro explodes from high above the ring.
♫ Hail to the King
Hail to the one
Kneel to the crown
Stand in the sun
Hail to the King
Hail to the one
Kneel to the crown
Stand in the sun
Hail to the King
(Hail, hail, hail) ♫
Jace lowers the title and then enters the ring. He makes his way to the nearest corner, climbs the turnbuckle, and poses for the fans.
Bryan McVay: And their opponents…
The lights dim as “Back in Black” by AC/DC begins to blare across the arena.
Benny Newell: Here we go!
Bryan McVay: They are the reigning HOTv Tag Team champions!
A golden spotlight shines on the curtain as Jatt Starr emerges. The ramp lights up, spotlight after spotlight, and the Rembrandt of Wresting begins to smugly saunter down the ramp. He only acknowledges the more attractive ladies in the audience (ages twenty-eight to thirty-five because he is no creepy old man), kissing hands, signing breasts in permanent marker, and the occasional finger gun with a wink.
Bryan McVay: Hailing from Harve, Montana… weighing in at 220 pounds… he is the REMBRANT OF WRESTLING… JATT STARR!
Jatt Starr walks up the rings steps sporting his black and red checkered suit. The Ruler of Jattlantis demands the referee open the ropes for him. The Jattlantic City Idol enters the ring and a lone 97Red spotlight shines in the middle of the ring. The Duke of Jattmandu takes a knee and outstretches his arms as if he is bathing in the red glow like Andy Dufresne during a rainstorm after escaping Shawshank. As the red light fades and the lights come back up, the Sultan of SeaJattle removes his checked suit jacket revealing an old-school Best Alliance t-shirt which he removes and hands to the referee. The Thane of Starrkarth prepares for action as the music fades out.
The camera pans over the Best Arena. There’s a buzz in the air as the High Octane faithful wait. Slowly, the lights in the arena start to dim, almost to black, but not quite.
A lightning effect flashes in the arena, followed by a thundering sound, and music begins to play.
“Daddy’s Home” by JT Music.
Somewhere beyond the sea
Something slumbers underneath
When she wakes up from her dreams
We’ll be reborn from the deep
Bryan McVay: And from Houston, Texas…
Dan Ryan stands center stage, soaking it in. He’s been booed most of his career. This time, for a unique reason. But he soaks it all in, then starts to walk down the ramp.
The strobe lightning effect continues, and as the opening lines of the first verse start to play, a large figure steps out onto the stage. His appearance is met with another thundering sound, this time the sound of boos from all over the building.
Bryan McVay: …weighing in tonight at 295 pounds… he is DAN RYAN!
Hold your noses cuz we’re going for another long dive
Some call me Father, others call me Johnny Topside
Long forgotten, I was swept up by the wrong tide
Thought my bed was made but I just woke up on the wrong side
Halfway down the ramp, someone throws something in his direction, but he sidesteps it, and glances over as EPU rush in to subdue the fan responsible. Ryan makes it to the ring, then stops and looks out into the crowd once again, soaking in the reaction with no expression.
I’m the heavyweight champ, you won’t even last a round
Too long you brutes abused the juice, now you get smacked around
Delta’s held the belt so many years here in Rapture now
Baddest motherfucker in the building, who’s your daddy now?
I’ll ask you nicely, would you kindly put your weapon down?
And cut the cameras cuz I’d rather not be ratted out
I’m on the path to power, I would’ve made Atlas proud
Hit you with the one two punch, zap and whack you out
Ryan cracks his neck, then climbs up onto the apron and climbs through the ropes. He dashes into the ropes, bounces off and sprints to a turnbuckle, step-climbing up and then roaring into the crowd and settling into a snarling stare out at the masses.
Ryan hops down, then circles the ring for a moment, letting the boos continue to rain down all over him, then finally backs into a corner.
Joe Hoffman: The last time we saw Dan Ryan and Jatt Starr, they got the big win in a really close match over the Alabama Gang last month to win the HOTv Tag titles.
Benny Newell: It wasn’t close at all. Ray McAvay tried to cheat to help the Alabama Gang.
Joe Hoffman: There were no outside shenanigans in the match, Benny. Ray McAvay promised a fair fight and a fair result and that’s he delivered. Ryan and Starr won the title fair and square.
Referee Joel Hortega checks both men out.
Joe Hoffman: The question is… who will face Ryan and Starr at the upcoming PWA-2 show?
Benny Newell: It won’t matter. Dan Ryan and Jatt Starr are great singles wrestlers. They’re even better as a tag team. Most importantly, they aren’t NERDS.
Joe Hoffman: And there’s the bell and this HOTv Tag Team title match is under- THE FINAL ALLIANCE RACE ACROSS THE RING!
Jatt AND Dan sprint across the ring and catch Kostoff napping. Davidson sees them coming and gets out of the ring.
Benny Newell: There we go. Get those nerds!
Joe Hoffman: Ryan and Starr double up on Kostoff… DOUBLE VERTICAL SUPLEX!
Kostoff lands with a thud in the middle of the ring.
Joe Hoffman: Ryan and Starr continue to start their match by sneak attacking their opponents.
Benny Newell: That’s because they’re smarter than everyone else.
Joe Hoffman: Referee Joel Hortega orders Jatt to exit the ring.
Benny Newell: I think that’s an overreaction.
Jatt and Ryan ignore Hortega and stomp away at Kostoff.
Joe Hoffman: Hortega is trying to restore some order here by kicking Starr out of the ring but I have to ask… where is Jace Parker Davidson?
Quick cut to ringside, JPD watches Ryan and Starr pull Kostoff up and then deliver a thunderous double powerbomb to him.
Benny Newell: Jace knows what’s good for him. He’ll probably hang out for a while and then leave.
Hortega starts a five count…
Benny Newell: Oh come on!
Joe Hoffman: And Starr turns away and finally goes back to his corner.
Benny Newell: See? He’s following the rules.
Joe Hoffman: That’s debatable. Both men circle each other. Kostoff and Jatt close the gap and go to lock up but Jatt sneaks in a poke to the eye that causes Kostoff to stagger.
The crowd boos loudly as Jatt unleashes a series of chops to Kostoff’s chest.
Joe Hoffman: Now, Jatt grabs Kostoff by the arm and then whips him into the ropes… Kostoff reverses the whip.
Jatt bounces off the ropes as Kostoff swings with a clothesline but Jatt ducks under it.
Joe Hoffman: Now Jatt grabs a hold of Kostoff from behind… JATTLANTIAN SUPLEX.
Jatt drives Kostoff down to the canvas hard.
Benny Newell: YES! GO JATT!
Joe Hoffman: He covers…
DOS..- Kickout by Kostoff.
Benny Newell: BOOOOOOOO! Slow count!
Joe Hoffman: Jatt whips Kostoff corner to corner hard into the turnbuckles.
Starr tags in Dan Ryan.
Joe Hoffman: Dan Ryan now in and he whips Kostoff back into the turnbuckle. He charges in and drives the shoulder into Kostoff’s midsection.
Ryan does it again… and again… and again… and again.
Joe Hoffman: Ryan’s got him trapped in the corner…
Joe Hoffman: And he tags Jatt Starr back in.
Joe Hoffman: Big chop by Starr!
Starr goes for a second chop.
Benny Newell: LET ‘EM HAVE IT!
Kostoff ducks under and he drives his shoulder into Starr’s mid-section.
Joe Hoffman: SPEAR BY KOSTOFF! ROLL UP!
Benny Newell: WHAT? That can’t be right?
Joe Hoffman: Starr kicks out.
Benny Newell: Count was a little fast.
Joe Hoffman: No it wasn’t.
Benny Newell: NERD!
Joe Hoffman: Whatever. Starr jumps to his feet. CLOTHESLINE BY KOSTOFF!
Benny Newell: CHEAT!
Starr down. Kostoff crawls towards his corner.
Benny Newell: Don’t let him get there!
Joe Hoffman: Kostoff stretches out his hand….
Joe Hoffman: …and Jace Parker Davidson tags in!
JPD charges forward.
Joe Hoffman: JPD in… SWINGING NECKBREAKER! He covers…
Joe Hoffman: NO! Starr kicks out and now he tries to get to his corner.
Jace grabs a leg and yanks Jatt back.
Benny Newell: That can’t be legal.
Joe Hoffman: He’s not getting away! ROLL UP BY JACE!
Joe Hoffman: Starr kicks out again and he’s got to get to his corner now.
Jatt’s up and tries to get to Dan Ryan.
Benny Newell: C’mon Jatt! Get there.
Joe Hoffman: Davidson again stops Starr for tagging out. Belly to back suplex by JPD! Cover… HERE COMES DAN RYAN!
Ryan hops over the ropes and bulldozes Jace.
Joe Hoffman: Dan Ryan just nailed Jace Parker Davidson with a nasty shoulder block.
Benny Newell: That was beautiful, Hoff-nerd. Beautiful.
The ref reprimands Ryan. This allows Jatt to get a cheap shot from behind on Davidson.
Joe Hoffman: Jatt takes the short cut and he’s trying again to get to his corner. Jatt stretches his arm… Dan Ryan stretches his arm to meet him. JACE FROM BEHIND!
JPD backslides Jatt into a pinfall.
Benny Newell: No! Jatt tagged out.
Joe Hoffman: No he didn’t.
Joe Hoffman: NO! Jatt kicked out!
Benny Newell: Oh thank Lee!
Joe Hoffman: Jatt kicked out and now he’s got a clear path to Dan Ryan.
Benny Newell: Get there!
Benny Newell: YES!
Joe Hoffman: HE’S GOT IT! Dan Ryan checks in.
Davidson backs into his corner.
Joe Hoffman: OH! He just tagged in an unsuspecting Zach Kostoff!
Benny Newell: JPD may be a nerd but he’s a smart nerd.
Joe Hoffman: ???
JPD beats a hasty exit through the ropes as Ryan arrives.
Joe Hoffman: Here we go. Kostoff fires a right hand as Ryan reached the corner. Boot to the midsection by Ryan. He takes Kostoff by the back of the neck and… PULLS HIM THROUGH THE ROPES, BACK INTO THE RING!
Benny Newell: Kost-nerd was too afraid to climb back into the ring. Dan Ryan takes care of it for him.
Kostoff stumbles over his own feet and lands on the mat.
Joe Hoffman: Now Dan Ryan stomps away on Kostoff.
The referee is busy talking with Jatt in the corner as Ryan puts his boot on Kostoff’s throat.
Joe Hoffman: Ryan with the blatant choke.
Benny Newell: I’d call that good tag team teamwork.
Quick cut to JPD. He just watches.
Joe Hoffman: And Jace Parker Davidson doesn’t lift a finger to help him.
Benny Newell: Because Jace knows better.
Ryan drags Kostoff over and CHOKES him on the ropes.
Joe Hoffman: More blatant choking from Dan Ryan.
Benny Newell: I’m not seeing that.
Hortega sees this one and starts a count.
Joe Hoffman: But Hortega does and he’s put a five count on Dan Ryan.
Joe Hoffman: Ryan lets off at four.
Benny Newell: He’s just cutting the kid a break.
Ryan tags in Jatt and drags Kostoff up to put in the open corner.
Joe Hoffman: Jatt’s back in and after Dan Ryan sets Kostoff up so he can RAM right into him.
Benny Newell: Look at them. They are a well-oiled machine.
Jatt drives his shoulder into Kostoff again and again. He mocks Kostoff and sends him headfirst into the turnbuckle.
Joe Hoffman: Zach Kostoff is back in trouble here.
Benny Newell: He never left trouble, Joe.
Jatt tags Ryan who comes back in to add a few more stomps to Kostoff.
Joe Hoffman: Again, Dan Ryan and Jatt Starr are working really well together. It’s clear they’re jelling as a tag team and that’s not good for any of their opponents.
Benny Newell: Best tag team in the PWA.
Joe Hoffman: We’re going to find out about that at the PWA 2 show, I’m sure.
Davidson continues to casually wait in his corner. Nothing much has happened up to this point, so when Dan Ryan suddenly sends Kostoff towards him, he doesn’t react as fast as he usually would. Kostoff collides with JPD.
Hortega calls that a tag’s been made.
Joe Hoffman: KOSTOFF TAGGED OUT! KOSTOFF TAGGED OUT!
Jace is a little surprised to be tagged but he climbs in the ring.
Joe Hoffman: Davidson was not expecting the tag.
Benny Newell: Because the Pirate King Nerd wants no part of Dan Ryan.
But now that he’s in there, JPD gets a running start toward Dan.
Joe Hoffman: Here we go. Davidson rushes in and… OH! Ryan catches and rocks him with a spinebuster down to the canvas.
Benny Newell: YES! FINISH HIM DAN!
JPD pulls himself up to his feet and tries to shake his head to clear some of the cobwebs.
Joe Hoffman: Now Dan grabs a hold of Davidson. Overhead belly-to-belly suplex and that launches Davidson towards the Final Alliance corner.
Davidson hits the canvas hard and uses the ropes in the corner to pull himself to his feet.
Joe Hoffman: Ryan closing in. Jace off the ropes… SPRINGBOARD CUTTER!
Benny Newell: Wait, what?
Joe Hoffman: Cover.
Benny Newell: What the fuck was that?
Joe Hoffman: Dan Ryan emphatically kicks out. Jace off the ropes… BASEMENT DROPKICK!
Just as Dan sat up, JPD came through with a dropkick to send him back down.
Benny Newell: That can’t be legal. Doesn’t he have to let Dan Ryan get up?
Joe Hoffman: Jace for the cover!
Joe Hoffman: Again, strong kickout by Dan Ryan.
Benny Newell: Thank Lee again!
Dan rolls to his corner and tags Jatt back in.
Joe Hoffman: Jatt tries an eye poke. Jace is ready for that and he whips Starr into the corner.
Jace follows and begins to ram repeated shoulder blocks into Jatt’s midsection.
Joe Hoffman: Now it’s Jatt who’s trapped in the corner and JPD is trying to knock the wind out of him.
Ryan takes a step into the ring but Hortega is there to stop him.
Joe Hoffman: LOW BLOW BY JATT!
Benny Newell: I did not see anything.
Joe Hoffman: It was pretty obvious there.
Benny Newell: To a nerd, yes. To me, no.
As Jace continued to drive his shoulder into his mid-section, Jatt dropped to a seated position and delivered a low blow to JPD.
Joe Hoffman: Jace is bent over. Jatt to the ropes. STARRLITE EXPRESS… NO!
Benny Newell: Jace was supposed to stand there.
This time, Jace dropped to the mat and Jatt flew right over him.
Joe Hoffman: Jatt crashes in the corner, but he immediately tries to pull himself up. JPD staggers towards his corner. Who will get there first?
Benny Newell: COME ON JATT!
Benny Newell: YES!
Joe Hoffman: BOTH TAGGED OUT! KOSTOFF AND RYAN IN!
Zach Kostoff and Dan Ryan charge each other and meet in the center of the ring.
Joe Hoffman: SPEAR BY KOSTOFF!
Benny Newell: NOOOO!
Joe Hoffman: HE COVERS.
Joe Hoffman: RYAN KICKS OUT! Kostoff up and runs the ropes. CLOTHESLINE! RYAN’S DOWN… COVER!
Joe Hoffman: NO! Again, Dan Ryan kicks out. Kostoff up and he sends Ryan for a ride to the ropes…
Benny Newell: LEE DAMMIT! COME ON DAN!
When Ryan hits the ropes, he accelerates coming back out.
Joe Hoffman: …HAMMER OF GOD!
Benny Newell: YES!
The quick burst of acceleration allowed Dan Ryan to get set for his sprinting rolling elbow smash and caught Kostoff by surprise.
Joe Hoffman: Ryan drags Kostoff up from the mat. TORTURE RACK…
Joe Hoffman: HEADLINER!
Benny Newell: IT’S OVERRRR!
The Burning Hammer extinguishes the last of Kostoff’s energy. Ryan makes the cover.
Joe Hoffman: COVER!
Quick cut to the corner. JPD makes no move to make the save here.
Joe Hoffman: That’s it! The Final Alliance has retained the HOTv Tag Team Titles!
Bryan McVay: Your winner at eighteen minutes and twelve seconds… and STILL THE HOTv TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS… JATT STARR… DAN RYAN… THE FINAL ALLIANCE!
Hortega presents the champions with their title belts.
Joe Hoffman: A thoroughly professional performance here tonight by Dan Ryan and Jatt Starr.
Kostoff gets to a seated position. Ryan and Starr pull him up and throw him through the ropes to the floor.
Joe Hoffman: That’s not so professional.
Benny Newell: The HOTv Tag Team Champions were merely being helpful by removing the trash from the ring.
Ryan and Starr hold up their title belts.
JPD… he’s already three-quarters of the way back up the ramp and not looking back.
Joe Hoffman: Three matches down. Main event coming up and it will be for the HOW World Title. You don’t want to miss it.
We cut elsewhere as we get another shot of the HOTv Tag Champions holding up their belts.
The scene transitions into the backstage area. The camera centers on The Last Man in Wrestling, Steve Solex, as he stands to the side of HOW’s Blaire Moise. Sitting perfectly on his broad shoulders and muscular frame is his beautifully hand-crafted Final Alliance lettermans jacket. Solex rubs his clenched fist as he stares into the camera.
Blaire Moise: Steve, I just wanted to see if…
Solex immediately cuts Blaire off, knowing exactly where this line of questioning is headed.
Steve Solex: Yeah, I heard what that fuckin’ NERD said last week and I remain unimpressed. Running around the UK like a draft dodging bitch and jumping on the Wrexham bandwagon like every other poser with an Always Sunny t-shirt and a Deadpool reference at the tip of their tongue. Why don’t you tour Letterkenny on your way back home? That is, if you ever grow a big enough set of balls to make the trip back.
Steve Solex: The only thing I did wrong with the Highwaymen was picking Joe Bergman to be on the team. As per usual, he had fuck else going on so he signed up almost instantly. Didn’t really take all that much convincing if we’re being honest here. And just like fuckin’ NERD Byrd, he does nothing but blame me for the implosion of the group.
Solex laughs to himself and runs his gloved fingers through his beard.
Steve Solex: Joe wants to sit back and blame me for the lack of success that the group had, but somehow, after I got rid of Joe NERDman, NERD Byrd, and that other dipshit, I’ve gone on to become a War Games captain and the #1 Wrestler in the Fuckin’ World, Blaire! Now explain to me, Joe, how I was the fuckin’ problem?
Blaire clears her throat pulls the microphone over to herself.
Blaire Moise: Have you been able to track him down or get a hold of him?
Solex laughs again.
Steve Solex: Do you, these people or Joe Bergman actually think that when I retired from the military that I lost all of my intel contacts? Come on, Blaire. Do your fuckin’ job and do some actual journalism.
Solex pulls a flip phone from the pocket of his letter jacket. He opens it up and shows the black and green – non-color – screen to the camera. The words across the screen read:
J O E “ D R A F T D O D G E R ” B E R G M A N
Blaire holds back a laugh as Solex holds the phone steady.
Blaire Moise: (laughs) Is that…a flip phone?
Solex looks at the phone and then down at Blaire with a cocked eyebrow.
Steve Solex: Uh, yeah…
Blaire gives Solex a half smile with her eyebrows raised.
Blaire Moise: Okayyyy…
Solex grits his teeth as his eyebrows narrow.
Steve Solex: Smartphones are for NERDS, Blaire. Get yourself together, Jesus.
Still holding the phone up, Solex presses the green send button on his 1997 Motorola. The phone goes to speaker mode and the sound of the phone ringing on the other end fills the arena.
Solex’s expression grows increasingly frustrated with each ring, until…
Joe Bergman (phone): Surprisingly, you’ve reached the voicemail of Joe Bergman. This can only be one person, and this message is for you Solex. Kindly…fuck off.
The crowd erupts in cheers as Solex slams the phone shut. Solex seethes as he squeezes the phone in his right hand until it cracks and breaks into a thousand pieces that he drops to the floor.
Blaire Moise: Aren’t you going to leave a message?
Blaire’s patronizing tone and smug smirk only enrages Solex further. . Without warning, he turns and throws a left hook straight into the studio wall, leaving a gaping hole in the wall the size of a bowling ball. Blaire quickly scampers out of the room, leaving Solex in the interview area by himself. Solex seethes and rips a monitor from the wall and slams it to the concrete floor, shattering it into countless chunks of plastic.
Steve Solex: That motherfucker…
Solex storms off as the scene cuts away and we head to a commercial break.
HELP IS OUT THERE
Back live from commercial and instead of cutting to backstage in the Smoothie King Center, the HOV comes to life and it shows a neighborhood somewhere in the heart of Americana.
We pan over to Scott Stevens in a fitted suit.
Scott Stevens: Hi, I’m Scott Stevens and I’m here to inform you, you aren’t alone when I say help is out there.
An image of the HOW World championship appears next to Stevens.
Scott Stevens: For over two hundred and sixty-seven days this lovely woman has been beaten, abused, and mistreated by her husband.
A graphic of Christopher America appears.
Scott Stevens: Help is only a phone call away and by doing so I can make sure that the Christopher America’s of the world are brought to justice for their abusiveness. By calling now, I can assure you America’s reign of terror officially ends in Mexico City at War Games.
Stevens’ face turns serious as the camera zooms in.
Scott Stevens: Dial 1-800-DEMI-GOD and be saved today.
The image slowly fades with the number showing.
We cut to the backstage area, and a very peculiar sight is marching down the hallway. Clay Byrd, with an entire flower arrangement that looks like it was stolen from a local funeral home. It looks that way because it was, but more importantly it’s hiding a nightstick. Clay continues through the backstage, he finally arrives at a door.
Clay steps to the side and presses himself against the wall, waiting for someone inside to finally open the door.
Muffled Voice: Who is it?!
Clay looks down at the funeral arrangement flowers, shrugs his shoulders, and puts on his best yankee accent.
Clay Byrd: Hall of Fame flower delivery is here for Mr. Ward.
Some more shuffling occurs, and finally the door swings open. Clay reaches his massive arm inside the doorway, he yanks backwards and Evan Ward comes stumbling out. The Behemoth throws Ward as hard as he can into the concrete wall, face first.
Clay throws the flower arraignment on top of Ward and starts stomping the plastic container into Evan Ward’s flesh. He stomps again, and again into Ward’s chest.
Clay Byrd: YOU WANT YER FUCKIN FLOWERS?! YA WANT YER FUCKIN’ ATTENTION?!
Clay taps the nightstick off of his leg. He pulls back and slams it forward, smashing it off of Ward’s jaw.
The Behemoth grins.
Clay Byrd: Ya wanted ta be apart of this, Evan. Just remember, ya came back and asked ta be apart of this. Nobody made you do it, ya could have stayed home Evan. Ya could have been happy.
He pulls back and unloads another shot with the nightstick.
Clay Byrd: But you wanted to be here, you wanted fuckin’ Ward Games. Ya wanted one last taste of what this place is fuckin’ ‘bout.
Phlegm flies from The Monster’s mouth and lands on Evan Ward’s chest. He starts to walk down the hallway, looking back over his shoulder. Off in the distance, the sounds of an EPU company coming down the hallway can be heard.
Clay Byrd: And now ya found the fuck out.
We cut elsewhere as a horde of humans rush to the aid of Ward.
I’M A GODDAMN FIGHTER
Backstage, we find Xander Azula gearing up for our World Championship main event…quite literally, as a matter of fact, with Azula slipping on his gloves as the final part of his preparation. The Fighter can’t help but smirk as the moment starts to sink in.
Xander Azula: It’s just about showtime, folks. Tonight, thousands at the Smoothie King Center and millions watching from home will witness the final night of Christopher America’s reign of terror as HOW World Champion. Despite three hundred and eight days as champ, America will not be given his flowers. No ticker tape parade for the former champ, only the sense of regret as a new era is ushered in. Tonight, the miracle on…y’know what, let’s not.
Xander motions toward a nearby bottle of water, and Mysti answers the call tossing it his way. He takes one big swig of the hydration station before speaking once more.
Xander Azula: Big ol’ speeches aren’t my style anyway, I’m a goddamn Fighter. There’s been enough talk from me. It’s time for the main event.
With that, Xander takes another big swig from the water bottle, putting the cap back on before throwing it at the wall as he walks out of the locker room, eager to make good on his promise to put Christopher America away and become HOW World Champion as we hit our final commercial break of the evening.
#17 XANDER AZULA VS. #9 CHRISTOPHER AMERICA
After the final commercial break of the evening, we shift back to the ringside area in the Smoothie King Center in New Orleans, Louisiana. The sold-out crowd has been hot all night and the buzz going through the building gets even higher because they know what is coming up next. The camera pans over to the announcer’s table where the Hall of Famers Joe Hoffman and Benny Newell are set to call the action for our next match.
Joe Hoffman: Welcome back to Chaos 029 ladies and gentlemen. It’s been a wild night so far but we’re still got more to come.
Benny Newell: Do NOT skip recapping that COWARDLY attack by that CLAY PIGEON. He literally attacked a HOW Hall of Famer while crying Cowboy tears. DO NOT SKIP THAT JOE.
Joe Hoffman: Well I mean all is fair in love and war and we are on the path to War Games are we not?
Benny Newell: You just KNOW that America heard about the attack during the commercial break and will be taking it out on the PIGEONS number one friend by definition…..Xander Azula.
Joe Hoffman: Benny you could be right….Xander Azula gets the chance of a lifetime to bring in the ultimate form of Chaos if he is able to defeat America tonight and be crowned World Champion. I am hearing that due to the tensions backstage that Lee has called an audible and has decreed that if ANYONE in War Games comes out to interfere in this match that they will be taken off the PPV. Clearly there is 100% confidence in America getting the job done tonight without any help and I feel this decree is more to keep the likes of Clay Byrd, Conor Fuse and others from coming to the aide of Azula.
Benny Newell: Spoiler. One of those idiots will not be able to help themselves and BOOM. They can hop over to the Ace network with the rest of the old fucks looking for easy money.
Joe Hoffman: The time for talking is over….let’s send it to Bryan McVay who is ready to make the introductions for this blockbuster main event.
The camera shifts to the center of the ring where Hall of Fame ring announcer Bryan McVay is standing with his microphone in hand. Senior referee Matt Boettcher is in the ring alongside him as the crowd is alive for what is about to come. Bryan McVay raises the microphone up to his lips and begins to address the sold-out Smoothie King Center audience.
Bryan McVay: Our next contest is the main event of the evening and it’s for THE HOW WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP!
The crowd begins to cheer wildly as McVay lowers the microphone. He waits for the crowd to settle down a bit before speaking once again.
Bryan McVay: Introducing first, The Challenger.
The whistling intro of “ENGEL” plays over the PA system, setting the crowd off in a chorus of boos as Xander Azula steps out onto the stage, surveying the crowd with a snarl on his face.
Bryan McVay: From Long Beach, California, weighing in tonight at 230 lbs. He is The Fighter, XANDERRRRRR AZULAAAAAAA!!!
The crowd shows their disdain for Xander, whose snarl fades into a smirk as he taunts those jeering him during his journey to the ring. Xander stomps his way up the steel ring steps while slamming his taped-up fists together. Xander steps through the ropes but doesn’t taunt the crowd. With no Eternal Circle members in sight, Xander has one focus. Walking out of New Orleans as the new HOW World Champion.
Joe Hoffman: Many people would call this academic before it even begins. Xander Azula has found success inside the HOFC cage but in standard wrestling matches, it hasn’t been the same. Tonight, it’s a wrestling match again the undefeated World Champion with the title on the line.
Benny Newell: What you’re trying to say is that this will be a layup for our World Champion. He laid waste to Azula this week and now all he has to do is walk out here, do what he does best, and this will be over and done within under five minutes. Guaranteed, Hoffman.
Xander moves around the ring shadow boxing and staying loose as McVay raises the microphone back up to his lips again.
Bryan McVay: And his opponent…
“THE GREATEST AMERICAN” by Cracked Prism Studios hits as the crowd erupts into a chorus of boos.
America walks down the ramp, ignoring the fans reaching out to touch him. He climbs the steps, gets into the ring, and moves to the center. He stands at attention, places his hand over his heart, smirks, and raises his other hand as he looks toward Xander.
Joe Hoffman: Christopher America was one of two final survivors in War Games 2022. That earned him this third War Games victory and made him the HOW World Champion. America hasn’t lost that belt since that moment. However, Xander Azula brought up some great points about America this week.
Benny Newell: Great points? What kind of great points could a NERD that’s tied for 17th in the rankings make against our Champion, Christopher America? The fact that anyone would even listen to a thing that NERD says is beyond me. Maybe if he could walk out of one match without being knocked the fuck out or getting his shoulders pinned to the canvas, his words would have meaning.
Bryan McVay exits the ring as Xander and America each take a corner. Boettcher walks over and tries to get the HOW World Championship belt from Christopher America. However, America shoves Boettcher out of the way before slowly and carefully taking the belt from around his waist. America holds the Championship belt in his arms lovingly and whispers sweet nothings to it as the crowd boos. America plants a gentle kiss on the gold plate of the Championship belt before reaching out and grabbing a hold of Boettcher by the collar of his shirt.
Joe Hoffman: What in the world is he doing?!
Benny Newell: You’ve never been committed to anything in your life, Hoffhole. Well, other than hyping up the NERDS on this roster before going broke when they ultimately disappoint you.
Joe Hoffman: I don’t gamble, Benny.
Benny Newell: Shame really, I placed the farm on America here tonight. The safest bet in the history of HOW. America retains here tonight in dominating fashion and everyone goes home happy. Especially me.
America reads Boettcher the riot act before allowing him to touch the HOW World Championship belt. Boettcher walks over to the opposite corner and shows the belt to Azula. Xander gets a devious smile on his face and glares at America as he puts his hands on the richest prize in the building. Xander rubs his hands all over the gold plate of the belt and gyrates which causes America to explode out of his corner in anger.
America goes after Xander but Boettcher has to stand between The Champion and The Challenger to keep them from coming to blows. Boettcher finally forces both men back to their respective corners before raising the Championship belt high into the air. The crowd cheers as Boettcher hands the belt off to McVay on the outside before calling for the bell to signal the start of this matchup.
DING DING DING
Boettcher steps back as both Xander and America come out of their respective corners. The two men circle each other slowly before stepping forward with a lockup. Both men struggle for position, but America snaps Xander down to the canvas with a side headlock takeover. America gets up to his feet quickly and begins slapping Xander on the back of the head causing the crowd to boo loudly. America laughs and taunts The Fighter as he slowly regains a vertical base. Both men circle and lock up again. Once again, America gets the advantage with a side headlock takeover but this time Xander rolls through. As America regains a vertical base, Xander takes a mighty swing.
Joe Hoffman: FIST OF ERIS!
Xander swings for the fences with the spinning back fist but America sways backward and literally falls on his ass to avoid the mighty blow. America scurries for the safety of the ropes as Xander taunts the Champion that he almost had him.
Joe Hoffman: We might have been inches away from crowning a new HOW World Champion right there in record time!
Benny Newell: Bullshit! Azula somehow cheated right there but America being the superior athlete was able to avoid that shitty move. All Xander has done is make sure that America ends his little NERD career here tonight!
America uses the ropes to pull himself up to his feet as Xander crouches over ready to strike. America barks at Xander to come at him like a man. The Fighter obliges as he charges forward toward his opponent. America manages to sidestep and plant a stiff knee shot into the ribcage of Azula that doubles him over. America floats over to behind Azula and grabs a tight waist lock. America muscles Xander up and over with an American (German) suplex. Azula lands on the back of his head and neck hard on the canvas. Not giving him a moment to breathe, America moves in and begins landing multiple knee drops on his downed opponent. Boettcher comes over and forces America to back away from The Fighter.
Joe Hoffman: It seems that almost landed Fist of Eris flipped a switch in America. He’s made a point to ground and pound Xander to the point that Boettcher has to break it up.
Benny Newell: What the hell does Bittcher thinks he’s doing? This is for the HOW World Championship belt. This isn’t the NBA playoffs, there are no timeouts. You don’t get to stop the action just because Azula decided to flop on the canvas.
America pushes Boettcher out of the way as Xander begins to pull himself off of the canvas. America hits Azula with a clubbing blow to the spine before taking him down to the canvas with a snap DDT. America makes the lateral press on Azula and Boettcher slides in for the count.
Matt Boettcher: ONE
Matt Boettcher: TWO
Kick out at two by Azula!
Angered, America forces Xander back down to the canvas and tries the lateral press again. This time grinding his forearm across Azula’s face.
Matt Boettcher: ONE
Matt Boettcher: TWO
Kick out at two by Azula again!
America yells at Boettcher and then for the third time tries for the cover while hooking the leg this time.
Matt Boettcher: ONE
Azula grabs a hold of America and rolls him into a small package as Boettcher starts counting again.
Matt Boettcher: ONE
Matt Boettcher: TWO
Matt Boettcher: TH–
Kick out by America!
Joe Hoffman: Christopher America got overzealous trying to put Xander away early after that snap DDT but after two kick outs. Xander managed to roll America into a small package and almost stole the biggest win of his career!
Benny Newell: That totally did not happen, it will NEVER happen in this lifetime or the next. Bittcher needs to learn how to count because clearly, America has already beaten Xander twice in this match!
America and Xander are both back up to their feet quickly. America charges and swings a heavy-duty clothesline but Azula ducks under it. Xander leaps into the air with America’s back turned and takes him down to the canvas with a neckbreaker. America rolls around on the canvas holding his neck in pain as the crowd begins to stomp their feet and get behind Azula. Xander gets back up to his feet and yells at America to fight him. America pulls himself back up to his feet as Xander goes for the Fist Of Eris again. America staggers backward to avoid the move again but this time exits the ring. America takes a moment on the outside to recover as the crowd boos loudly.
Joe Hoffman: Xander is wasting no time trying to hit that homerun punch but America wants no part of it. He’s fled to the outside of the ring here to try and stop Azula’s momentum.
Benny Newell: Azula is a one-trick pony and America has it completely scouted. Christopher America is going to go War Games to War Games as HOW World Champion. What you call fleeing, I call strategically not wrestling this match at the pace of a 17th-ranked jobber NERD.
America paces around on the outside but Xander gets a running start inside of the ring. Azula leaps through the ropes and hits America with a suicide dive that drives him back hard into the barricade. The crowd pops for Xander who is laying it all out on the line tonight as he gets back up to his feet. Xander grabs a hold of America and then hits him with a side Russian leg sweep, (emphasis on the Russian) that slams the back of his head into the barricade. Xander pulls America up to his feet and then runs him shoulder-first onto the steel ring steps. Boettcher gets closer to counting both men out but Xander rolls America back inside. Xander slides in and waits in the corner as America staggers back up to his feet.
Joe Hoffman: Xander is winding up, he’s got America in his sights!
Benny Newell: He used illegal objects on the outside of the ring. Where is the DQ, Bittcher?!
Xander begins rolling his arm and shoulder as America tries to steady himself on his feet. Xander explodes out of the corner as America begins to turn around. Xander loads up and absolutely rocks America.
Joe Hoffman: THE SNUB and Xander got all of it!
America hits the canvas and goes straight to dreamland. Xander drops to the canvas followed by hooking the leg and making the cover on America as Boettcher slides in for the count.
Matt Boettcher: ONE
Matt Boettcher: TWO
Matt Boettcher: THREE!!!
NOOOOOOOO!!!! America got his shoulder off the canvas before the three!!!!
Benny Newell: Too close, too fucking close. Fucking NERD almost made me one of the poors.
Joe Hoffman: Mini-seconds away from crowning a new HOW World Champion right there. Don’t stop now, Xander! Keep the pressure on him!!!
Xander gets up to his feet determined to finish this match. He pulls America up to his feet but America pokes Azula in the eye. Xander staggers a bit before America hits him with a jawbreaker that sends him down to the canvas. America shakes his head trying to clear the cobwebs after nearly being knocked out cold. America looks around the building all are the fans screaming and chanting for Xander. America turns toward the entrance ramp and begins to wave his arm. He starts to call for one of his Final Alliance teammates to come down to the ring and help him. However, no one comes.
Joe Hoffman: I think America is rattled! That shot from Xander really rang his bell and he can feel the HOW World Championship belt slipping away from him. He’s calling for help but no one is coming down to the ring. He’s all alone!
Benny Newell: I swear to Lee, that fucking Sad Cowboy NERD is going to pay dearly for what he did to Evan Ward earlier. And for what he did to me also. Fuck it, I’ll help you out, America! I’m coming, Champ!
Joe Hoffman: Sit down, Benny!
Realization starts to sink in with America. He raises his arms into the air and begins smacking himself across the face. Steeling his resolve as he pulls himself up to his feet. Xander is back up and charges at America but America catches him and snaps him down to the canvas with a powerslam. Azula arches his back in pain as America pulls himself up to his feet. As Xander begins to pull himself to his feet, America charges him behind and takes out one of Azula’s legs with a chop block. Xander collapses down to the canvas holding his leg in pain. America dives in like a shark that smells blood in the water. He grabs Xander by the leg and then begins repeatedly slamming his knee down onto the canvas. Azula howls in pain before America rolls him over and applies an ankle lock submission.
Benny Newell: There we go, never a doubt in my mind. America was just playing with his food for a bit before killing him off.
Joe Hoffman: America has attacked the leg of Azula and now has him in an ankle lock in the center of the ring. Xander has nowhere to go and America is looking to make The Fighter tap out!
Boettcher drops down to the canvas and asks Xander if he wants to give up but Xander screams no. America cranks on the ankle hard as Azula raises one of his taped hands into the air. It looks like Xander is going to tap out and succumb to the pain but before he taps out, Azula bites down on his own fist. The crowd gasps as Xander’s teeth sink into his hand so much that he draws blood. With renewed pain tolerance and determination, Xander plants his fist onto the canvas and begins to crawl his way over toward the ropes one fist at a time.
Joe Hoffman: That’s it, Xander! Dig deep, don’t give up! You can do this!!!
Benny Newell: Shut the fuck up, Joe! You’re supposed to be unbiased! Do you want to lose your job?! Do you want to be out on the streets?! If Xander Azula becomes the HOW World Champion then HOW is dunzo!
Closer and closer, Xander nears the ropes. He reaches out for the bottom rope to force a break of the submission hold. However, America uses his size and strength advantage to drag Xander back to the center of the ring. All of the air goes out of the building as America applies even more pressure to the hold and Xander is in no man’s land. Xander is too prideful to tap out but his body begins to go limp from the pain.
Benny Newell: Winner Winner Chicken Dinner! The H.O.G is eating good tonight and so am I! I’m going to be laughing all the way to the bank, Hoffhole. What a great way to end the night.
Boettcher goes to get Xander to respond but there are no signs of life left in The Fighter’s body. Boettcher grabs a hold of Xander’s arm and raises it into the air but it falls limply to the canvas. Boettcher does it a second time and once again Xander’s arm falls limply down to the mat. America smirks widely and puts some extra oomph into the ankle lock. Boettcher raises Azula’s into the air one final time but this time it doesn’t hit the mat. The crowd explodes as Xander still has life.
Joe Hoffman: It’s not over just yet! COME ON, XANDER!!!
Benny Newell: WHAT?!?! FINISH HIM, AMERICA!!!
Xander screams out in pain as he begins to double-time it over toward the ropes. America drops to the canvas and cranks on the ankle but even America’s body weight isn’t enough to stop Azula. Xander reaches out and grabs the bottom ropes with both arms for dear life to force the break. Boettcher gets up to his feet and begins a five-count for America to break the hold. Boettcher reaches the count of five but America refuses to break the hold.
Joe Hoffman: Christopher America is trying to purposely end Xander Azula’s career right now! He’s willing to take a disqualification to put Azula on the shelf for good!
Benny Newell: That was a fast count by Bittcher! America still has time to legally apply that submission!
Boettcher decides against disqualifying America but begins to try and pry America off of Azula. Finally, America lets go of Xander and pulls himself back up to his feet. Boettcher gets in America’s face and admonishes him but America shoves Boettcher with both hands. Boettcher staggers a bit before then steps forward and shoves America right back. Boettcher begins to lay down the law as America backs away to a corner. America pulls down his elbow pad and begins to measure up Azula as he uses the ropes to try and pull himself off of the canvas. America races forward with murderous intent to decapitate Azula.
Benny Newell: PLEDGING ALLEGIANCE!!! LEE BLESS AMERICA!!! BYE-BYE AZU-NERD!!!
Joe Hoffman: BRUTAL MOVE BY AMERICA! I HAVE A FEELING XANDER IS GOING TO NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION AFTER THAT!!!
Xander collapses down to the canvas face first as America begins to roll him over onto his back. America hooks the leg and makes the cover on Azula as Boettcher slides in for the count.
Matt Boettcher: ONE!
Matt Boettcher: TWO!
Matt Boettcher: THR….
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! AZULA GETS HIS SHOULDER UP BEFORE THE THREE!!!!
Joe Hoffman: XANDER GOT HIS SHOULDER UP! SOMEHOW, XANDER AZULA GOT HIS SHOULDER OFF THE CANVAS IN TIME!!!
Benny Newell: THIS IS NOT HAPPENING! THERE ISN’T ANY WAY THAT XANDER KNOWINGLY KICKED OUT!!! THERE WAS THREE BITTCHER, THREEEE!!!!!
The crowd blows the roof off of the building as America is in disbelief. America raises his knees up to his chest and wraps his arms around them. He sits there on the canvas and begins to talk to himself, trying to make sense of what is happening. America raises his hands into the air but instead of slapping himself like before. He begins to punch himself in the face and in the chest wait screaming obscenities.
Joe Hoffman: Christopher America is unraveling right before our eyes!
Benny Newell: No way, this is just how America focuses on the task at hand! WHERE IS THE FINAL ALLIANCE?!!?!?!
America pulls himself up to his feet and then grabs a hold of Azula. America pulls The Fighter up to his feet and then up to his shoulders. America goes to lock in Enhanced Interrogation Techniques but Xander manages to counter by gouging America’s eyes with his bloody hand. America loses his grip and uses his hands to try and help his vision as Xander lands on his feet. Azula hobbles on one good leg as America turns around. Xander spins on one leg and then swings his arm at hard as he possibly can.
Joe Hoffman: FIST OF ERIS!!! HE HIT IT!!! IT CONNECTED!!! COVER HIM, XANDER!!!
Benny Newell: FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!
America hits the canvas like a ton of bricks, completely out cold. However, Xander hits the canvas also and is unable to make the cover on the Champion. Boettcher stands between the two men and begins a ten count. The Smoothie King Center is rocking as the crowd is fully behind Xander Azula and tries to rally him to his feet. Boettcher reaches a count of five and neither man has moved. Boettcher raises seven and both men are still desperately trying to suck oxygen into their bodies. Boettcher raises the count of nine but suddenly, America rolls out of the ring onto the arena floor. Boettcher stops the count immediately, unsure of what to do. He notices America slowly moving on the outside and then begins to check on Azula.
Joe Hoffman: America rolled out of the ring to prevent himself from being pinned but he also unintentionally stopped the standing ten count!
America uses the ring apron to pull himself up to his feet and then looks around nervously at the screaming crowd. America makes his way around the ringside area until he finds Bryan McVay on the outside. America reaches down and snatches the HOW World Championship belt away from the Hall of Fame ring announcer. America clutches and kisses the belt before making his way around the ring. America looks at Xander still down in the middle of the ring and then waves his arm dismissively. America turns and begins to make his way back up the ramp, leaving the ringside area completely.
Joe Hoffman: America has grabbed the HOW World Championship belt and decided that he’s done for the evening. He wants no more of Xander Azula in this match. Our Champion is a coward!!!
Benny Newell: It’s called the Champions advantage for a reason, Hoffhole. Xander has to beat America, not the other way around. For the man tied for 17th in the rankings, this is an absolute win. He went toe to toe with Christopher America but just didn’t have enough to put him away. This is as good as it’ll get for Azula!!!
The crowd showers America with hatred as he continues to make his way back up to the ramp. Xander notices America trying to make a quick exit and then rolls out of the ring. Xander hobbles up the ramp as fast as he can and grabs a hold of America as the crowd pops. Xander turns America around and then leads him back down the ramp toward the ring. Xander slams America’s head down onto the ring apron and then rolls him and the belt into the ring. Xander slides back into the ring and gets to his feet but America takes a mighty swing with the HOW World Championship belt…
Joe Hoffman: America just tries to clobber Xander with the belt but Boettcher stopped him! Christopher America has tried to leave this match, he’s tried to get himself disqualified but none of it has worked here tonight!
Benny Newell: FIRE BITTCHER! THIS IS BIASED AND CHEATING!!! THE REFEREE SHOULDN’T INSERT HIMSELF INTO CHAMPIONSHIP SITUATIONS!!! THIS IS NOT THE SUPER BOWL!!! ROGER GODDELL DOES NOT RUN HOW!!!!
Boettcher snatches the Championship belt from America’s grasp which causes the Champion to turn around in shock. Boettcher yells at America before tossing the HOW World Championship belt outside to one of the crewmen who catches it safely with both hands. America looks on in horror and then relief as he sees the Championship caught….suddenly Xander spins the distracted America around and then swings…
Joe Hoffman: XANDER AZULA HAS HIT HIS SIGNATURE BULLHAMMER ELBOW FOR A SECOND TIME!
America staggers, almost out on his feet from the stiff shot. Xander pounds his bad leg on the canvas and punches it, trying to get the blood flow going. Azula charges and then unloads with a huge spear that sends America crashing backward into the turnbuckle. However, Boettcher gets caught up between America and the turnbuckle. America drops down to the canvas holding his ribs but Boettcher also hits the canvas in pain.
Joe Hoffman: XANDER GOT AMERICA WITH THAT SPEAR BUT HE ALSO GOT THE REFEREE!
Benny Newell: JATT, DAN, ACELDAMA, SOLEX, STRONK, MICHAEL, ANYONE?!?!! WHERE ARE YOU?!?!!?!?!
Xander gets to his feet, solely focused on America. Azula rolls America onto his stomach and then grabs a hold of him by the leg. Xander drops to the canvas and locks America into a modified STF submission. America screams in pain as Xander pulls back on the hold. America tries to fight his way toward a rope but Xander has it locked in deep and he has nowhere to go. America immediately begins to tap out on the canvas furiously.
Joe Hoffman: AMERICA TAPS! AMERICA TAPS! AMERICA TAPS!!!!!!!
Benny Newell: AMERICAN BUSINESS DECISION THERE JOE…THERE IS NO REF YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!!
Benny is correct as Boettcher hasn’t moved off the canvas. America continues to tap out feverishly as the crowd screams for someone to make it official. Frustrated, Xander releases the hold and makes his way over toward Boettcher. Xander tries to shake the man back to life but it’s to no avail. The crowd comes unglued as referee Joel Hortega comes racing down the ramp toward the ring.
Joe Hoffman: HORTEGA IS HERE TO SAVE THIS MAIN EVENT!
Benny Newell: I SAW A MAN RUN LIKE IN ORLANDO FIFTEEN YEARS AGO!!!!!
Hortega slides under the bottom rope into the ring. Xander turns his attention back toward America and begins to pull him back up to his feet. America quickly counters, turning Xander into a reverse headlock. America screams out in a primal roar before twisting Azula down to the canvas.
Benny Newell: FOR AMERICA 2.0!!!
America spikes Xander to the canvas with his former finishing move with every bit of energy that he has left. America crawls over and then hooks the leg on Xander as Hortega slides in for the count.
Joel Hortega: UNO!
Joel Hortega: DOS!
Joel Hortega: TRES!!!!!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! XANDER GOT HIS SHOULDER OFF THE CANVAS AT 2.99999!!
Joe Hoffman: XANDER KICKED OUT! XANDER KICKED OUT! I’M LOSING MY VOICE BUT XANDER AZULA KICKED OUT!!!!!
Benny Newell: IT WOULD NOT COUNT ANYWAY AS HE IS NOT THE LEGAL REFEREE…..HORTEGA IS ILLEGAL DAMMIT!!!
Hortega shoots two fingers high into the air to show that Xander is somehow still in this match. America is beside himself as he pulls himself up to his feet. America approaches Hortega and then slugs him across the jaw knocking him out. The crowd explodes in anger at America who begins to flip the bird toward the fans.
Joe Hoffman: That’s two referees now that are down and out inside of the ring! This isn’t a wrestling match anymore, this is Anarchy!
Benny Newell: America was clearly in the right here. Hortega INVADED this match and America does what America does…..HE DROPPED A BOMB ON THAT FUCKER!!!
America turns around and sneers down at Azula who remains on the canvas. America stalks over toward him slowly before spitting on The Fighter. With a wild look in his eyes, America grabs a hold of Xander and pulls him off of the canvas. America lifts Azula up onto his shoulder and sets up for Planting The Flag. Xander begins to fight back, his lands elbows to the side of America’s head. He wiggles and kicks his legs as both Boettcher begins to stir. Xander finally lands on his feet behind America and then grips the waist locks. America reaches down and tries to pry Xander’s fingers apart. However, Xander muscles America up and over with a sloppy German suplex. Xander bridges up ever so slightly as Boettcher slides back into the ring and begins the count…
Matt Boettcher: ONE!
Matt Boettcher: TWO!
Matt Boettcher: THREE!!!
DING DING DING!!!
Joe Hoffman: YESSS!!!
The crowd cheers madly as we head to the ring announcer to make it official…..
Bryan McVay: Here is your winner……AND NEWWWWWW HOW WORLD CHAMPION! XANDERRRRR AZULAAAAAA!!!!!
The crowd is rabid as Xander’s music begins to play. Boettcher walks over toward the ropes and is handed the HOW World Championship belt. Boettcher presents Xander with the Championship belt as he makes it up to his knees. Xander breaks down in emotion as he stares down at #97red in his hands.
Joe Hoffman: Xander Azula did it! He pulled off the impossible and we have a new HOW World Champion here before War Games! I can’t believe what I just witnessed!!!
Benny slams his fists down onto the announcers’ table and begins sobbing.
Benny Newell: Pure fucking Chaos.
Joe Hoffman: Ladies and gentlemen, I excuse my broadcast partner but we just witnessed history unfold here in New Orleans at Chaos 29. For Benny Newell, I am Joe Hoffman, and good night from the Smoothie King Cen–
Joe is interrupted by Xander getting up to his feet and holding the Championship belt high above his head. However, America in a fit of rage and jealousy clobbers Xander with a stiff shot to the back of the head. Xander falls to the canvas and drops the HOW World Championship belt. America mounts Xander and begins raining down heavy right hands.
Hortega slides into the ring and begins to argue with Boettcher.
Joe Hoffman: What is happening here?! Where is security? Where is the EPU?!
Boettcher points to his referee’s shirt and reminds Hortega that he is the senior official as America continues to assault Azula. On the outside of the ring, McVay walks over to one of the producers and has something whispered into his ear. McVay begins to question what he was just told but the producer gives him a look and makes McVay spring into action.
Bryan McVay: Ladies and gentlemen, I have a special announcement!
Everyone freezes when they hear McVay, even Christopher America stops punching Xander.
Bryan McVay: Per the GOD of HOW….Due to Joel Hortega replacing Matt Boettcher during the match the pinfall counted by Boettcher is null and void. This match has been ordered to restart!!!!!
America falls off of Azula and clasps his hands together as he looks toward the sky. The crowd boos loudly as Benny raises his head off of the announcer’s table.
Benny Newell: OH THANK FUCK!!!!!
Joe Hoffman: THIS IS A TRAVESTY! XANDER AZULA JUST GOT SCREWED BY THE GOD OF HOW!!!
Benny Newell: HORTEGA WAS LEGAL THE WHOLE TIME….I FUCKING TOLD YOU THAT!!!!!
America pulls himself up to his feet then charges and hits Boettcher with a clothesline that sends him over the top rope and down to the arena hard. America turns toward Hortega and orders him to do his job. Hortega narrows his eyes but suddenly, Xander comes up from behind America and rolls him into a schoolboy pin.
Joel Hortega UNO!
Joel Hortega DOS!!
Joel Hortega TRES!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! AMERICA KICKS OUT AT THE LAST POSSIBLE SPLIT SECOND!!!!
Joe Hoffman: Xander almost won the HOW World Championship belt for a second time tonight!
America pulls himself back up his feet but Xander spins and goes for the Fist Of Eris but America sidesteps it. Xander nearly hits Hortega with the move but stops himself. Hortega closes his eyes and turns away from the expected blow that never lands….. but that gives America the small window to drop down and kicks Xander swiftly and hard.
Joe Hoffman: LOW BLOW BY AMERICA!!!
Benny Newell: Just hyping the PPV with a little shot SOUTH OF THE BORDER….NOTHING TO SEE HERE BUT A COMPANY MAN DOING GREAT ADVERTISING!!
Xander falls to his knees holding his groin in pain. Hortega turns back around just as America grabs a hold of Xander and pulls him back up to a vertical base. America lifts Azula up onto this shoulder and then dives him down to the canvas.
Benny Newell: PLANT THE MOTHERFUCKING FLAG!!!
Joe Hoffman: NOT LIKE THIS!!! NOT AFTER EVERYTHING!!!
America collapses down onto Azula completely spent as Hortega slides in to make the count.
Joel Hortega UNO!
Joel Hortega DOS!!
Joel Hortega TRES!!!
DING DING DING!!!
Bryan McVay: Here is your winner… AND STILLLLLL HOW WORLD CHAMPION! CHRISTOPHERRRRRRR AMERICAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Joe Hoffman: It took every single dirty trick and tactic in the book, but Christopher America remains the HOW World Champion here tonight.
Benny Newell: IT IS CALLED RULES JOE….YOU HAVE TO RESPECT LEE FOR KEEPING EVERYONE HONEST TONIGHT!!!!
Joe Hoffman: Nevertheless, that’s all the time we have for tonight, folks. Join us next week live from Dallas for another night of Chaos!!! For Benny Newell, I’m Joe Hoffman. Goodnight everybody!
We get one final parting shot of Christopher America clutching the HOW World Championship belt to his chest and apologizing immensely to it as the boos reign down from the heavens above.