by Dan RyanHello. My name is NOT Scott Hunter. People used to call me that but now there is another famous, super smart SCOTT in the wrestling business so I am forced to change my name to something less conspicuous. Do not call me Scott. It is wrong and if you say it, probably you will get athlete’s foot and die, even if you wear flip-flops in the shower.
Additionally, I am not Dan Ryan no matter what it says above this. I don’t even know who that is, but he sounds really stupid. Anyway, this is the first time I am writing anything for PWA, which my agent tells me does not have anything to do with actual pee, so that is a relief. Not as big of a relief as peeing when you need to go really badly, but kinda like when you take a belt off after wearing it all day due to your jeans being too big because you used to be fat.
Also, I do not fat shame but I will probably laugh really hard if you fall down. No offense. It’s a natural reaction. Google it.
I am a big fan of High Octane Wrestling ever since I stopped working for Classic Wrestling. That was a place where I became the only man in Classic Wrestling history to win at least six of my eleven matches, which makes me a winner so screw you. So basically what I want to do is run down the roster of High Octane Wrestling because my opinions are really interesting and I’m probably a lot smarter than most people you know, even the guy two houses down from you who plays four instruments and does the math for fun. If you need proof of that, I can show you a letter from a guy I met at the Post Office who I talked to for about five minutes and begged me to “go away”.
I might talk about PRIME too someday because I know Lindsay Troy from Star Trek: The Next Generation and I think it would be cool to talk to an empath. Also, she was good in the movie Waxwork 2: Lost in Time, where she got a whopping 14 seconds of screen time! Not bad! Not bad! I myself did a cameo in the remake of The Black Hole, but it turned out to be about a different black hole than I was expecting.
Truth is, I really like the roster over in HOW. I especially like the Clay Byrd guy because I’ve always been a fan of him ever since he played the Creeper in the hilarious comedy film Jeepers Creepers. He only comes out of hibernation to wrestle once every 27 years so make sure to catch him at an arena near you.
He leads a group called the Highwaymen. At first, I was really excited because I’ve always wanted to meet Johnny Cash, but it turns out he’s not even in the group anymore because he is dead. Now the people in the group are Clay Byrd, Joe Bergman, Steve Harrison and I think Conor Fuse, but I’m not sure. I could be mixing him up with YOUR MOM! BURRRRNNN!!
That didn’t make sense.
I also know about the guy named Steve Solex who was apparently in the military but it’s a secret and Bill Clinton says I’m not supposed to ask or tell, so I won’t. But he will. I get asked often who the best ex-military wrestler in the world is, but other times he talks about something else. Sometimes he talks to himself, too, which is fine because I believe in helping the mentally ill to receive the treatment they deserve, even if it is Steve Solex. He also likes to grill steaks during photo shoots, but I don’t know why that is relevant right now so I probably shouldn’t have brought it up.
I do have to formally apologize to Bobinette Carey. Initially when I first saw her I thought that Bobby Dean had just gotten a really dark tan, but I’m told that’s not the case and is in fact “wildly racist”. I meant no harm. I really like the color magenta. I also like the Color Purple. I hope you win an Academy Award just like Whoopi, who also makes really funny cushions that are good to have at parties when you need an icebreaker. She also has been involved in some way or another with multiple men in HOW, trying to work her feminine wiles right on their faces. Scottywood, Conor Fuse, STRONK. For someone who spends so much time grooming, you’d think she’d have better hair.
Speaking of needing an icebreaker, Frank Dylan James, who was once my very best friend, should maybe chew a few icebreakers because his breath is so bad, my dog got mad and bit me on my elbow. And it was my favorite elbow, too! See, these are the kinds of mean, very rude things that Frank Dylan James does. Just because I fell into a coma for a few weeks and missed a World Tag Team Title match, he attacked me without cause, and now, my dog is biting me, and all because he doesn’t know what hygiene is. He thinks it’s what Paul Stanley says to Gene Simmons every morning, but it’s not. He actually says, “sup?” which is something I read in Rolling Stone. So brush your teeth.
I don’t know anything about John Sektor.
I do want to point out that STRONK GODSON is my best friend. We became friends on Twitter which is what makes it legal in the eyes of God. The one in the sky, not the one with an eye patch. We bonded over the fact that he offered me STRONKUMMS and I tried them, but then I suggested a nacho cheese flavor which was brilliant so we’ll probably make a lot of money on that. He also opens pickle jars for me because that is hard. I told him, you’ve got the brawn, I’ve got the brains, let’s make lots of money. Those are lyrics I heard in a song while shopping in Petsmart with my friend Dave. STRONK also hangs out with The Board which is a smart move if you ask me. He probably gets the best parking space at every show and also free cheese fries maybe. That saves like 12 dollars right there alone! It’s a great deal.
Speaking of the Board, the best people on The Board are the World Champion Christopher America, Jace Parker Davidson, Tyler Best, and the guy who drives their limousine but he’s an honorary member because he isn’t a pure blood. That’s how they got the idea for the movie Blade, not from a comic book like people say which is a dirty lie. Tyler Best is the son of Mike Best, but he just found out about that not too long ago because there was a mix-up at the hospital, so instead of Tyler, Mike was Scott Stevens’ daddy for years.
I think the first time I saw Christopher America on my screen, I thought the same thing that everyone else did. “I wonder why they keep remaking TV shows from the 80s??”, which is a weird thing to think about in this context but those are YOUR WORDS, NOT MINE…. So blame yourself. He’s the World Champion so he can wear flag tights if wants to, so shut your damn mouth. Also if you manage to beat him it means you are a traitor to the United States of America so WHY DON’T YOU GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM??? THIS IS AMERICA!
My assistant Craig tells me also that there is something called an Xander Azula in High Octane Wrestling, which I believe is a Mesopotamian God popular with Mesopotamians back in the 12th century. This seems suspect to me because he loses too much and also Craig isn’t old enough to remember the 12th century even though he listens to a lot of Tony Bennett.
I’m also being told that the Egg Bandits are in High Octane Wrestling which means my arch nemesis, Bobby Dean is there. We are sworn enemies mostly because he sat on me once and also because I made fun of his diabetes. I am not intolerant, I just think he eats too many pancakes. But I’m also told he throws a pretty good cornhole party so ultimately there may be hope for us to be friends, assuming he does not sit on me again because I do not like that. If we do become friends I will show him how to eat things that are not sugar or grease, even though I really like John Travolta as an actor. In a related note, “Summer Lovin’” is what Bobby Dean calls the July Lobster Fest at Red Lobster. That is why it is hard to find butter in stores in July. True story. That’s in the encyclopedia.
I like Doozer even though he has a box-shaped head that looks like a square. It isn’t hip to be square, no matter what Huey Lewis says but he looks a lot like my grandpa, so he’s cool with me. He should give out more butterscotch candies though because that is classic grandpa stuff right there. And Cancel Jiles will always be cool with me because it’s high time we start making these people accountable for their bad behavior!
Oh… I’m actually being told his name is CANCER Jiles, and not CANCEL Jiles. It is very insensitive to call yourself a deadly disease. I made a really funny joke about lupus to a little girl at the supermarket once and I ended up getting slapped right across the face. Cancer Jiles will probably get slapped across the face at some point. But his sunglasses will stay on because I think they are glued there.
Jatt Starr has the advantage of two names. I do not know if he is actually Simon Sparrow or if he is Jatt Starr or maybe something else entirely that he hasn’t revealed yet. It is like that game clue, so what I am saying is I think he killed Professor Plum in the library with the candlestick. I also like him a lot because he looks just like Homelander from that show The Boys, probably the most wholesome hero on television since Balki Bartokomous on Perfect Strangers.
JOHN SEKTOR!!
HAHAHAHA I tricked you. I told you I wasn’t gonna say anything about him, then at the last possible minute, I’m talking about him. That is a trick that John Sektor uses also and that is why they call him the Gold Standard because he is smarter than everyone, and also because he only comes in one size. He lulls you into a false sense of security, and keeps you guessing… will he show up? Will he not? Is that hair color natural?? Nobody knows! But he’s a Hall of Famer so you show him some respect or he will challenge you to a match and then not show up, OR MAYBE HE WILL. You just never know.
Now before I go, I want to make sure I take note of two very important young men who are no less important than any of the other people I have mentioned today. I am of course talking about Scottywood and Scott Stevens. There are too many Scotts in this fed. Scott Stevens thinks he can do whatever he wants because he’s from Texas but what he doesn’t understand is that Texas lost the battle of the Alamo so Mexico got to keep San Antonio after World War I even though General Sam Houston survived long enough to establish a college in Huntsville. Therefore Mexico is better than Scott Stevens, and if you don’t believe me, you can take it up with the lady who runs the tour at the Alamo. Scottywood I think is retired, or was killed or fell into a bear trap or something. I heard rumors. But he’s a Hall of Famer also so it’s okay and he has anti-bear trap technology in his laboratory. He also has meth. But mainly anti-bear trap technology, which you can buy on Amazon for $19.99. Buy some today because he needs the money. Don’t be selfish.
That’s all I have to say for today. I hope you have enjoyed my very detailed and thorough review of the High Octane Wrestling roster. It has always been my dream to say words and have people listen to them, so this is a very big day for me and I’m so glad you are here to be a part of it. Remember, I am NOT Scott Hunter. Do not call me that and if you do, then fuck you, pal.
(I only cursed because I heard controversy creates cash)
Tune in next time when I tell you all about the time I spent Thanksgiving with my aunt in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Kalamazoo is a funny word to say. Heh.
Sayonara and bon voyage.