- Melvin Beauregard was a victim of an assault after ReVival 13. Melvin was rushed to the hospital after he was found unconscious in the parking deck. We reached out to the man that found Melvin to see if he had any insight on the matter.
“Oh? That bald guy? I heard shrieking, sounded like a woman screaming. I ran up the stairs, and some giant man was punching him. When it was all over, I realized the dude smelled like urine and fecal matter. I thought he was just drunk, but apparently he got his ass kicked. Glad I told the security guard that threw me out of the parking deck and into a fucking tsunami to check on the dude.” – Some homeless guy, presumably Garbage Bag Johnny, Nova, or Rezin’s long lost cousin. DNA testing was inconclusive.
Melvin posted on Twitter on Sunday, thanking the fans for their support while he recovers and that “nothing was permanently damaged besides his pride.” Melvin also said he will be working with authorities to help identify potential suspects.
- As shown at the top of ReVival 13, PRIME President and CEO, Lindsay Troy, officially signed a PWA Talent Contract. Most of the details are being kept under wraps but we were able to find out from Troy’s lawyer, Clay Darcy, that SHOOT Project, PRIME, and DEFIANCE (should they ultimately join PWA) have first hosting rights to any matches she competes in. First rights may be waived at any time at Troy’s discretion.
“It’s simple, really: Lindsay is currently a champion in SHOOT Project, is the most popular athlete to ever fight in PRIME, and is considered a heavy favorite to dethrone Deacon in DEFIANCE for their top title. Why would she not give her home companies’ fans the first opportunity to see her compete against other athletes currently signed to PWA?”
In other LT news, the Queen was spotted at HOW’s Dead or Alive PPV along with Dametreyus and Wade Elliott. Sources tell us that she was there to scout MVW wrestler Adam Ellis, who retained the MVW Men’s World Title in a spirited contest against Darin Zion, and to also show support toward TCS graduate Tyler Adrian Best, who retained the recently revived ICON Title against Simon Sparrow (aka Jatt Starr). She appeared less-than-thrilled at the eGG Bandits assisting HOW owner Lee Best in his match against Kostoff, and said, “if those three idiots want to keep running back to their abuser for additional doses of hostility, anxiety and PTSD, I can’t stop them.”
- There’s been chatter about David Fox’s new attitude that was on display at ReVival 13. Citing his frustration with what he feels is a lack of reaction to the presence of himself and his partner Mushigihara, David said “sometimes you just have to go about your business in a way that makes people notice you. I mean, isn’t that what wrestling is about, just as much as what goes on in that ring?” When asked, though, David vehemently struck down any notion of changing colors of his ring gear or his hair, as he had been known to do in the past. “If I did something like that in PRIME Lindz would NEVER let me live it down.”
- Paxton Ray won his first singles match at ReVival 13, but he wasn’t very happy with the result, seeing as he won via disqualification when GREAT SCOTT bashed him with headphones. Ray had a rough night overall, despite the win, as he was the victim of another egging attack by the eGG Bandits. When asked his thoughts on the night, Ray responded “Lotta people made the Punch List tonight.” No word on who is on the list or even if the list actually exists.
- Reports placed the strange Anglo Luchador impersonator at the arena for ReV 13. Several eyewitnesses willing to go on record with their accounts have said they saw him with his mask off and that he indeed was current Prince John Reverse Mortgage Company Salesman of the Year Roderick McRatrick. Lindsay Troy, in addition to having to deal with Ned Reform, her PWA contract signing, and the strange maiming of Melvin Beauregard that no one seems to have caught footage of, is said to be exasperated by her public enemy #1 having returned to the MGM Grand Garden Arena.
The Anglo Luchador reported to PRIME news sources saying he was caught in several meetings to make triply sure he had nothing to do with Roderick’s allowance back into the 50-mile cone of safety Troy had set up to keep him out.
“Look, I was just as pissed to see him too,” The Intense Champion said. “He kept me busy so I couldn’t go out and watch the Youngblood/Atken match! I only caught bits and pieces on highlights after the fact. I’m busy right now, but I do want to catch the whole thing. That being said, I’m disappointed that a match between two of the best wrestlers in PRIME had to end because one of them brainwashed a young wrestler into doing his light work. Either way, help or no help, beating Brandon Youngblood is an accomplishment. Congrats, Atken, both on winning the Uni and killing my interest in the main event of UltraViolence.”
Since his last appearance at ReVival 13, McRatrick has gone into the wind. Sources say he’s laying low until he can appear safely again. Others say he’s starting an OnlyFans page to make money off his sweet, sweet ass. Either way, PRIME security is on high alert.
We then asked TAL about how he’s preparing for that aforementioned supershow, live and available from ACE Premium Streams, against Balaam, the Mask of Malice.
“The lack of Hoyt on the last show concerns me. I hate that I feel like if he’s not there, he’s plotting something. Whenever Hoyt Williams is plotting something, the results are rarely, if ever, good.”
Next question was about his involvement in the PWA, whether he feels like he’s in danger of falling behind despite being the first to dip into the pool.
“Look, some people sign their contracts after seeing something they want. Me, I wanted to make a statement, that I’m ready to fight on behalf of PRIME. I don’t want to make any challenges I’m not prepared to meet, so I’m watching and researching. But if someone wants to step to me, let them.”
Finally, we asked him about his announced opponent for ReVival 14 in his first main event in the company for his Intense Championship against Larry Tact.
“I wanted this match, and I have received it. Good to know people in the front office listen every once in awhile. Anyway, Tact has a chip on his shoulder, and he’s coming off a big victory over Jacob Mephisto. Empire Boyz always bring it hard, and I’m ready to show the world what we can do, and more pointedly, that I’m ready to be considered among the top in this company.”
- Proceedings are underway in France for the Breach of Contract dispute between Brets Chips and Daniel Darby per the infamous “FLAMBO/SPAMBO Jabber Incident” earlier this year. Brets is seeking damages in the six-figures, while Darby’s defense allegedly boils down to “it’s all PRIME management’s fault, not mine”. When asked for comment, a PR rep from PRIME confirmed that Darby’s “blatant and repeated breaches of Jabber policy” left them with no choice but to ban FLAMBERGE’s account (as well as Darby-created burner accounts that sprung up) from the platform during the window of time outlined in the litigation.
- Joe Fontaine and Sid Phillips have been fined $1,000 each for stealing a couch from the office of Melvin Beauregard. The couch was returned less than an hour after its theft, but with far more popcorn in its cushions than there were before it was stolen. When asked, Lindsay Troy stated, “Okay, look. That was pretty funny, but we can’t let you idiots keep stealing from staff’s offices, or else everyone starts doing it.”
When asked about the fine, Sid Phillips groaned, and said, “Come on, I didn’t even powerbomb anyone this time!”
- The Glue Factory Championship Celebration Conference Call was held with the company’s small group of investors shortly after the ending of ReVival. Chief Strategist Dirk Dickwood led the call and we have the follow notes to report:
– As a reward for his dedication to the company, Chief of Security Hank has been rewarded with upwards of 30 minutes at the MGM Grand Pool this Tuesday. Hank has been spotted out in Vegas excitedly purchasing floaties and pool noodles since the announcement.
– Flamberge was viewed with intense interest by Phil Atken and was sitting pretty high at the top of the recruitment list. Dickwood expressed disappointment at Nate Colton’s rudeness and disrespect, something he noted that Colton has sadly spread on social media too. Dickwood was excited by the prospect of Flamberge “slapping the shit out of that little punk.”
– The Glue Factory has had additional interest in membership expressed prior to the Universal Championship victory. Dirk Dickwood made it clear that the expansion is limited, perhaps to one more member.
– Atken was not present on the call, investors were top that the proprietor was already turning his attention to the challenge that awaits him at Ultraviolence.
– Dickwood also noted a small but immediate uptick in sales of Glue Factory products to the French and Quebecois markets following ReVival.
- As ReVival 13 drew to a close, Hayes Hanlon once again found himself in the office of Dr. Astrid Fihlguud. The Event Horizon rose victorious against “Beautiful” Bobby Dean earlier in the card, but at the cost of his right hand.
“The good news is there doesn’t seem to be damage in any other areas of his hand, but the fracture in the metacarpal of his middle finger has likely re-opened,” said Fihlguud. “Like last time, Hayes should make a full recovery with little issue, but this does effectively restart the process.”
Hayes also earned the unwanted honor of being the first wrestler in PRIME to suffer Bobby Dean’s famed finisher, the Deaner Weiner. When asked to comment about the unorthodox maneuver, Hanlon’s pupils grew large, and he stared off into space.
“I found myself floating, in the void of a starless sky, my own form the only source of light as I glowed a golden aura. My third eye bore witness to the birth of this reality, the singularity releasing itself unto the black. Civilizations born of elemental surge rose to enlightened glory before destroying themselves within, over and over. I experienced the cycles of all life that was and has yet to come, my consciousness flowing through the flat circle that is time and space. I wept at the universe’s inevitable heat death, and rejoiced as the singularity recollected to start anew.”
Hayes would, eventually, snap out of it.
“But yeah, that was pretty gross.”
- After a private conversation with Ms. Troy, Nate Colton called the PRIME news desk to issue a public apology for his role in the parking lot brawl with FLAMBERGE.
“I want to apologize to the fans; obviously, that’s not the kind of example I’m supposed to be setting. The fights are meant to be kept in the ring, where they can be regulated for safety. I’m sorry that I lost my temper, and I promise to do better in the future.”
“I would also like to apologize to the makers of Lamborghini automobiles, for damaging such a fine machine. Their cars are truly a work of art, and deserve to be treated with more respect.”
When asked “What about FLAMBERGE?”, Colton replied:
“Sure, I’m sorry he’s such a massive–“
Unfortunately, the connection was lost at that point, and could not be restored.
- FLAMBERGE has submitted an invoice totaling $2,347.15 to the Coltons for damages sustained to the FLAMBOrghini during his and Nate’s parking lot brawl at ReVival 13. Reports are also circulating that the brawl was seen by the young Frenchman as a “last straw” that cemented his decision to not leave the MGM Grand Garden Arena as originally planned, instead taking the Humble Proprietor up on his offer in the main event.
When asked to comment upon death threats made upon him by Brandon Youngblood, FLAMBERGE’s response was to “send that bill to the Coltons, too.”
- Dusk was checked over by the PRIME medical staff until well after the show was over and was sent to the hospital for further examination. It’s been reported he had eight stitches to close the gash given to him by Larry Tact. It’s also reported he was asked multiple questions by the medical staff and PRIME reporters, but refused to speak at all. Needless to say, those who were around Dusk had one word to describe him: apoplectic.
Of course, there are numerous concerns because the reason why he was retiring is due to an issue he’s encountered with concussions. It is said that he went and was checked out for a concussion and all tests have come back negative. The PRIME medical staff has ordered he take a show off to heal and ensure he has no lingering effects, but is for all intents and purposes cleared to return to action.
In addition, it was rumored Dusk was planned to be in action for Revival 14 in a high profile match that has been described as one that upper PRIME management has wanted to put on for a few weeks now and are disappointed in having to reschedule it. We were unable to confirm the match, but have been told this match will happen.
- Kenny Freeman posted on social media after ReVival 13, thanking the PRIMEates for their continued support and purchase of the Food-O-Matic 3000 while also making the following statement regarding David Fox’s comments on the show:
“Oh, don’t worry Davey boy Fox. We heard you loud and clear, and we will see you in a couple weeks to address the Fund-O-Matic Challenge for Ultraviolence!”
Fans responded by clearly rooting for the Dangerous Mix, stating they at least know who David Fox and Mushigihara are.
- ReVival 13 came with more than a few snafus. The livestream was a little wonky across platforms, Cally was last seen driving off on a forklift, Brandon Youngblood lost the Universal Championship thereby failing us all (buy glue), GREAT SCOTT spelled disaster for GREAT BEAR’s lo fi vibes, and Patience and Decius Montgomery ended up simultaneously chasing good boi Bucky in the backstage area AND getting entangled in Jacob Mephisto’s match. In light of this, we now turn to a resident Time Lord, Merch Lord, and tired dog owner who wishes to remain anonymous.
“The Madness has set in,” the anonymous source spoke very matter-of-factly. “In a ‘verse of a zillion cult leaders, a champion that talks to Aztec gods, and another champion that’s Rezin, something was bound to get broken. Can only keep up the facade of perfectly sane wrestling promotion for so long, even with all the owls glaring at everyone. We’ll try to make things semi-cohesive next show. That’s going to be a busy night.”
When asked for more comments, the anonymous source said “Buy the shirts. Buy the hoodie. Fuck Jake Mephisto. That’s all that needs to be said right now. If you don’t mind, we have to go home, make sure our doggo doesn’t eat another koala, take a nap, and prepare for matches. Ya know, that stuff we’ve been hired to do.”
- The PRIME news desk was able to catch-up with the Kings Of Popsicles following their successful defense of the Tag Team Championship against Solid Gold Rock ‘n Roll. True to recent weeks, Reina Raspberry (Justine Calvin) was quick to answer our questions.
“It wasn’t easy, that’s for sure. Delgado and Sadikaj came into PRIME with their own pedigree, so we knew it was going to be a challenge, and they definitely pushed us.”
The end of the match saw Raspberry score the decisive fall, her first as an active member of the PRIME roster.
“That was definitely validating. This is the biggest stage I’ve ever competed on, and even then it’s only been two matches. First one was to try and win these titles, and then our first defense against a top team like Solid Gold… It’s all surreal.”
The Tag Team Championship is next scheduled to be defended at UltraViolence, where the duo of Raspberry and King Blueberry (Jared Sykes) will be challenged by the upstart team of the Winds of Change, led by Baron Von Blackberry, the other founding member of the Kings of Popsicles.
“Joe and Sid are the only undefeated team on the roster right now, and that’s no small feat given some of the people they’ve had to beat to get there. They earned their shot by winning against a PRIME Hall of Famer and a Dual Halo winner. That’s a big deal. I know that everything has been friendly and goofy these last few weeks, but I expect that when the bell rings those two are going to bring it. I expect that Sid will powerbomb Jared a lot, and I also expect I’ll probably find it a little funny.
“But make no mistake: despite the games, and the jokes, and whatever the deal is with the mannequin, those guys have earned their spot. They’re learning from one of the best minds the sport has ever seen. They’re young, and they don’t have a ton of experience, but that doesn’t mean they’re not legit.”
We asked King Blueberry if there was anything he’d like to say, and he said the following:
“She nailed it all. I’m not even gonna try to follow that.”
Reina Raspberry offered one final parting comment:
“And FLAMBERGE can go to hell for his little stunt in the main event. I have a feeling the next time he runs into Youngblood, that his face is going to get crushed up faster than a bag of those bullshit chips he’s been pushing on everyone.”
- The Five Star Champion, Rezin, had the following statement to make following the events at ReVival 13.
“Arright ya scum, listen up…
“It would appear that due to popular demand, the world will once again be treated to a second helping of ‘The Escape Artist’ Rezin and GREAT SCOTT at UltraViolence.
“Fuckin’ far out, amirite?
“While I would normally take delight at the irony of seeing ‘the Queen’ herself grovelin’ at the feet of the greedy corporate parasites that represent the PWA and givin’ in to their demands, I’ll give her some credit for deliverin’ on something that the people of the wrestling world actually wanna see.
“Personally? I wouldn’t have it any other way.
“Here I was thinkin’ after I won this title, there’d be a line of try-hards linin’ up outside my door, lookin’ to take a swing at the new champ. Sagan knows I’ve been ready for the fight. Sadly, that hasn’t been the case.
“Maybe they don’t think the Five Star Championship is worth gettin’ their hands dirty. Or, more likely, this locker room is finally wakin’ up to the fact that Hell’s Favorite Hoosier is NOT to be fucked with.
“But at least SCOTT has proven that balls are still in working order after what I did to them at ReVival 12, cause he’s apparently the only badass mutherfugger in this federation that’s fearless and PUNK ROCK enough to come back for a second dosage of this ol’ DOPESMOKER.
“That or he’s just really, really stupid.
“…not that I’m one to judge. I think y’all know by now that I’m no Oppenheimer myself.
“So be it. I’m sure he’s thrilled about this announcement, since it’s abundantly clear that gettin’ his rematch is more important to him than the health and well-being of GREAT BEAR.
“And I’m sure the PWA shareholders are salivatin’ over the prospect of how much their business can prosper by addin’ the Five Star Championship to their ranks like a gemstone to their Infinity Gauntlet.
“Unfortunately for them, that shit ain’t happenin’ on my watch.
“You wanna FUCKIN’ KILL ME, SCOTT?
“Sounds just GREAT to me, bud! Some might say you’d be doin’ us ALL a favor!
“But it’d be too little too late, given I’ve already killed the golden egg-layin’ goose that is your momentous rise in PRIME!
“Supergluin’ GREAT BEAR’s fur around your mouth to simulate facial hair don’t make you a superbadass overnight. You’re still lightyears behind this Goat Bastard’s own bong-clogger of a chin curtain.
“Seriously, have you not LOOKED at this thing? There are literal DECADES of evil, chaos, and marijuana-induced madness in these wizardly whiskers! This beard was seein’ shit that would turn your hair several more shades of bleached white while you were still sucklin’ on Mama SCOTT’s GREAT teat!
“But if the Hiroshima I gave ya at ReVival 12 wasn’t enough to make you realize what you’re fuckin’ with, then allow me to give ya Nagasaki at UltraViolence to make the message clear!
“You coulda took my peace offering and walked away… but clearly, you wanna live your life like a raging mastodon, runnin’ head-first into the bottomless black sludge of the La Brea tar pits!
“Make your peace with Yahweh God, SCOTT! Not even He can save you from the VOID!”
- The PRIME news team has learned of an incident that occurred on the 28th floor of the MGM Grand early Saturday morning. Reports are that Mark Lemon, a representative of MGM responsible for monitoring the behavior of King Blueberry (Jared Sykes), was seen shaking and crying after leaving the suite belonging to the Tag Team Champion Kings of Popsicles.
When asked about what triggered this reaction, Mark said only the following:
“I think I interrupted something I wasn’t supposed to see. I heard things. Oh God, the sounds.”
Despite the implications of this information, the news team was most surprised to learn that someone in King Blueberry’s orbit was crying other than Sykes himself.